today the hopes are gone

[Km_girl]

Hey guys.  You must have felt my doubts, anguish and despair in my posts since I arrived here on this forum.  And you guys helped me a lot, thank you.

 It's sad how it all happened.  I was fine and I saw this guy and had the best sex of my life and days later I had symptoms and a diagnosis.

 Having a post-sex flare-up, with all the characteristics of a primary flare-up, makes you think you've acquired it recently.  I hate how this virus is so unpredictable for each of us.

 It may have been him or not.  Getting a clinical diagnosis is difficult because you want to get tested and make sure everything is real, but even the tests aren't 100% reliable.

 Today I went back to my gynecologist, I showed my blood tests.  She interpreted my positive igm and wrong igg, saying that possibly I acquired it recently and my igg would increase over time.  And the igm would be negative.  Well, we know this happens when you've recently caught the virus.  I told her that if my current partner wasn't the one who infected me, then I would have gotten the virus at least 2 years ago.

 I asked her if my igg wouldn't be positive after such a long time and she said most would.  And that I couldn't be sure my last partner didn't give it to me because Some people don't seroconvert.  And the only way to be absolutely sure it wasn't him would be if he hadn't slept with others before (which isn't the case).

 So maybe they don't have igg, but they carry the virus.  Maybe it was him, but since I had the wounds, if he comes back positive he's going to think I gave it to him.

 Two unfair things about genital herpes: Many people have the virus, but the one who carries all the stigma is the one who is unlucky enough to have the symptoms.  And the other thing is, if you have symptoms and whoever infected you has no symptoms, it will always feel like it was your fault.

 Of course that doesn't change my diagnosis.  When I went to her today, I was hoping my mistaken igg was a hope that I don't have it.  Hopes are gone.

 What makes me sadder is that I didn't have time to find love or have a relationship before I found out.  It's lonely.

 Anyway, thanks for the support I received here.  In my country (Brazil) there is nothing like that, this forum gave me a lot of support.  I wish everyone could find the happiness they're looking for.  (Cross your fingers for me).

PS: I will eventually continue reading and answering what I know to help as you helped me.

 With love, K.