Herpes and hookups

[filmgirl]

Does anyone have any luck with hookups? 

I get that getting to know someone and taking it slow and disclosing the herpes diagnosis is a step towards intimacy and trust, but....when your sex life involves multiple people?

I'm in the time of my life of being more sexually adventurous and am not letting HSV 1 stop me from doing that! But I have seemingly gotten rejected from someone already who I was very excited to see this weekend. Do you all disclose right away or later? I figured to disclose before meeting in person to give him more time to process but I have not heard back which I take as a sign that the risk is too high. Also seems like herpes in the poly or bdsm community is complicated since more people are involved. Anyone have any suggestions or thoughts? 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello! 

This is a good question. Thank you for bringing up navigating HSV in the polyamorous and BDSM communities!

Honesty is always the best policy, as is open communication. Being intimate with someone, even casually, is a state of vulnerability, and you are exposing your body and mind and soul to another human. To protect yourself, asking people if they have been tested for STIs or if they have ever contracted HSV are completely appropriate questions to ask someone, and it's okay if someone asks you those questions too! Honesty = Respect. 

It is awesome that you told that person your status before meeting in person, even though the person never answered.  Disclosing is ethically responsible because you never know if someone has an autoimmune illness that would worsen/complicate with contracting HSV, and this person has the right to know. They then can make their freewill choice to continue seeing you or not, and that is on them. It is NOT a reflection of you in any way, shape, or form! The way people react to us is a reflection of them, not of us!   

Typically there are two schools of thought on disclosing:

1. Tell them right away (as you plan on being intimate with them upon meeting)     or     

2. Disclose when you think you'll be intimate or feel the relationship getting serious

For #1, this makes sense for people who plan on being intimate or are hooking up. If the relationship is based off of physical intimacy, and it is planned to occur upon meeting, then yes, disclosing right away is essential. 

For #2, this makes sense if you are taking things slow and are not planning on hooking up with them. Now, if you are about to be intimate with this person, then yes, obviously you would disclose, even if you wanted to take things slow. 

So, it seems #1 applies to your question. Disclosing right away/before being intimate is the most ethical choice. If you feel more comfortable telling them over text or through a phone call, that's okay, too. If you need any advice on how to disclose, feel free to ask! 🙂 

No matter what, remember that you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Hold your head high! HSV is a common virus. You are more than that little sassy virus; you are beautiful, you are strong, you are worthy of love and respect. And if someone is disrespectful, that person is not deserving of you!

I hope this helps! 

Blessings,

grace

 

[filmgirl]

Thanks Grace!

As depressing as it is to get rejected, honesty is best and maybe next time I'll mention it sooner. It seems like the stigma about the thing is worse than the thing itself. sigh. I did find someone else who also has it so its not even a thing in regards to hooking up. yay. 

Thanks for your response! Reading other responses on this forum is also super helpful.