Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

New to Herpes - questions!

Recommended Posts

My wife just got diagnosed with genital herpes (her doctor didn’t swab so we don’t know if it is HSV 1 or 2). We’ve only ever been with each other and we’ve been monotonous for last 13+ years. So, it was a shock when this happened but we now know it can be dormant for years since childhood etc. But… since this is so new we have lots of questions. Please help!


1- our leading theory on how this happened was she had cold sores as a child pretty bad which might have been herpes. She then gave it to me (no real symptoms, occasional little something on my lip) and I gave it back to her in genital form via oral sex. Does that sound like a reasonable assumption? Otherwise we have NO idea how she’d get genital herpes. 

2- as a married couple who wants more children, we’d need to have unprotected sex. Am I inevitably going to get genital herpes as some point in the future? If I already have it in my system does this even matter? If I did have the oral form (as said in my theory in question 1), wouldn’t getting it genitally be a whole separate issue? 

3- what does having herpes mean for future oral sex? This is something we enjoy and I’d like to be able to do this for her but am worried I will get infected with oral herpes because of it. Do people just stop doing this? What if I already have it in  my system, again does this really matter?


4- she had one major outbreak to start and was very sick. It went away. Then she got a very small outbreak (just about 3 small bumps) a few weeks later. Is this going to be the frequency? If so we will need be able to conceive as the window could always be during outbreaks!!


thanks so much for your advice!


  • Like 1
Link to comment


These are great questions. It is so great that you and your wife are a team and are working through this as a team! 

To answer your questions...

1. When she was diagnosed, did the doctor just do a visual inspection of an outbreak, was it a blood test, etc? It is possible she got it from oral sex. It is possible you already had cold sores/oral HSV and passed it to her when you were virally shedding. Or, your theory is hypothetically possible. 

2. You could get it down there via genital to genital sex, however depending on the strain she has, it may be very unlikely. GHSV-1 has very low genital-to-genital transmission rates. Furthermore, supressive medication and avoiding sex when sylptoms or an outbreak are present all help reduce the risk of transmission. Also, there are some people who are together for years and never pass it to their partner! Many factors influence transmission, timing being one of them! 

3. It honestly depends on the strain she has and the strain you have. If you already have oral HSV that is the same strain she has genitally, it isn't really a big deal. If it is a different strain that is a different story. Plenty of people with H or those with H+ partners still live happy and fulfilling sex lives, including practicing oral sex! If you are concerned, dental dams, suppressive medication, and avoiding oral sex when symptoms of an outbreak arise are all great preventative measures. Of course, the risk is always there. All is well though! 🦋

4. The first outbreak is typically the worst. As time passes, for many folks, outbreaks become less severe and less frequent. Many people with H give birth to health happy babies. Check out the other posts on the forum related to childrearing and pregnancy! 

I hope this helps. Stay strong! 

Aending blessings and prayers to you and your wife 🌻🦋




Link to comment

Thank you so much for your reply @Flowerteacher55! I appreciate your time in responding. I have a couple follow up’s if you don’t mind (or if anyone else can chime in that would be great!)


1- the doctor only did a visual examination and didn’t swab or blood test. It sounds like it’s important to know if it is 1 or 2. I assume we could still find this out with a test at a later point? Also, could I have a blood test done to see if I’m carrying already? 


2- one concern my wife has is getting the blisters internally again like with her initial outbreak which was very painful. This second time it’s just a few small surface bumps. Her question is… if she were to give the virus to me (assuming I don’t already have it), would having intercourse cause them to happen internally again due to penetration (if I had an active infection and didn’t know it yet)? So basically once you already have the virus, does contact with it again cause an outbreak or do outbreaks just occur randomly on their own and you don’t get “reinfected” in specific spots that are touched by the virus. 


3- once the blisters go away, are you in the clear to minimize risk of infecting a partner or should you wait another week or so? I’ve read different things  


thank you again!!


Link to comment


1. It's such a shame the doctor didn't swab the sores. If your wife has another outbreak, the sores can be swabbed if she gets them swabbed within about 48 hours of the sores appearing. The swab tests can be inaccurate because human error can cause false negatives (not swabbing enough of the viral DNA or not swabbing the sore correctly, etc). An IGG antibody blood test can also help determine the strain, although blood tests can be wonky sometimes and produce false negative/positive results. 

2. This is a great question. I also had internal sores during my first outbreak, but my later outbreaks were external sores only. For some, the friction and irritation of penetrative sex may trigger an outbreak inside the vaginal/anal cavity, however for others they may not get outbreaks there. 

Regarding your question about how outbreaks occur, that's an interesting question! It is my understanding that an outbreak wouldn't happen if someone with the same strain of HSV would get an outbreak just by touching an active sore on another person. I mean intense contact with a sore could potentially cause an outbreak on the other person and reinfection in new locations, but your body has built up some immunity if you already have the same strain. For example, let's say you and your partner have genital HSV-2. That doesn't mean you couldn't get it in another part of your body such as your mouth. This is why refraining from certain sexual acts is important when an outbreak is suspected to occur or is occurring. Is it possible to contract it elsewhere? Yes, just not as likely as if you didn't have the same strain somewhere else. 

3. In general it is best to wait a full week of being symptom free, or having 7-8 days of no symptoms after your sores fully heal. 

I hope this helps!

Blessings to you and your wife! 🙂 


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...