Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

I am at a loss....

Recommended Posts

I have so many thoughts, feelings and emotions right now that I literally feel shattered and scattered. I am humiliated and I feel disgusting all the time. And I am mad... I am so lost.

A little back story... I just turned 45 this past October. I finally got a job that provides excellent insurance this past June, so I decided that it was time to get everything "in order", so to speak. I am a healthy person and as I was researching doctors, my employer informed us that at open enrollment our medical was going to change. With this information I decided, start with dental and then start medical stuff after the new year, when the change in medical becomes effective. 

November 6th, I started my period (a very normal thing for me), but I felt a bit more "off" than usual. Not only did I have the usual cramps, nausea and headache, but I also had some body aches and my hips and groin hurt a bit more than usual. Figured, I am a woman of a certain age and I know things can change, so I just continued about my business. On the 7th I felt about the same, but tampons felt a little more awkward than usual... continued about my business. By the middle of the day on the 8th, tampons were excruciating to use, pelvic and groin pain was the worst I'd ever had and I was starting to run a fever. By the 9th everything was worse and on top of every else it felt like I was peeing fire. I stayed home from work on the 10th thinking rest was needed and would help. Nothing was improving.. just getting worse. I did not sleep well that night.. excruciating pain everywhere and by 6am on the 11th my fever had spiked to 103.7. So I finally asked my boyfriend (of almost 10 years) to drop me off at the ER on his way to work.

After 4 hours, multiple medications and the most painful pap smear I have ever had in my life (the nurse had to physically hold me down as I cried) the doctor looks at me and says it looked like I was having my first outbreak. Outbreak? Of what??!!?? And that's when she said it. 

I have been with the same man for almost 10 years. I was fully tested prior to starting a relationship with him and had a clean bill of health. We just moved in together this past May. I have previous trauma from previous relationships - physical, sexual and emotional. And up until now, he's been the most patient and understanding human I have ever met. Without a doubt, the love of my life. We'd even started talking about getting married. How can this be?

In a painful, drugged daze, I made my way to the pharmacy and home (got a ride). He came home early, and I could barely look at him. And I told him that I was on antibiotics. He asked me to give him a minute to put his stuff away and came to sit next to me and then he started talking. 

He told me that his last girlfriend had herpes.. that she had been upfront with him and eventually they stopped using protection. And when we had conversations leading up to intimacy and testing, he lied to me. He had zero screening for anything. That he had what he termed as rashes as early as when he was dating her, but they weren't that bad and that he'd never been seen about them or been specifically tested either.

On the 14th my cultures came back positive for HSV2, on the 16th my blood result came back negative. He went and got screened for everything on the 14th. And by the 18th his blood test came back positive - and he has no symptoms. 

We haven't really talked much more about it since the first week. And I think it's because I know he feels like a horrible person, and I have too many feelings and just can't talk about it right now. 

I feel like he cheated on me. Physically, I know he didn't. But he did cheat me out of a choice. If I had known, would I have been different about sex with him? Probably, but I feel like I would have educated myself a bit and then possibly made different choices eventually. I love him, but it's different now. I am so glad that he loved someone so much that he thought the risk was worth it. But I can't wrap my mind around the fact that henever loved me that much. When really, all I've ever wanted was to love fully and be loved fully in return.

I love him but I am angry. Weeks later and I am still in pain physically. I want him to hurt and I want to say things to him to make him hurt. I love him, but I don't want him near me... but I do want him near me. I have written pages of things that I want to say to him. To make him understand what he has stolen from me... what he has stolen from what I thought we were.

I am sorry this is so long... I don't know what to do, or how I am going to live with this...

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I am so sorry for what you are experiencing right now. It wasn't fair of him to do that to you. He selfishly made the decision for you. You do need to have a talk with him and get at were his thinking was. He may have assumed since he has it so mild that it was not really anything. It could be ignorance that HSV2 can affect everyone differently. Some don't know they have it and others have chronic and painful symptoms. I think when you are emotionally settled you can have that conversation to see where things are going. If you love him and He you then love can overcome this. He needs your forgiveness but he needs to ask for it and not expect it. He can't just say "I'm sorry". Your life can still be everything you want it be with or without him if you chose. Stay strong and don't worry you will overcome this. Peace

Link to comment

Hello 💛

First, I am so sorry you went through emotional, physical, and mental pain. Please know that this is not your fault and that healing is possible. You are not alone and we are here for you 💛.

Regarding him and having H; has he ever had an outbreak? If no, and he's never had symptoms associated with a primary outbreak, he is asymptomatic. 

Did he ever get tested for herpes before? It's possible he just assumed that because he never got an outbreak, he didn't contract HSV from his former partner, and therefore didn't need to explain it to you. If he has never had an STI test In general (which doesn't screen for herpes) but told you he did, that is a lie and I'm so sorry he lied to you about such an important thing. I personally think partners should tell their new partner if they know about their ex's sexual health history, even if they don't think they contracted anything. 

I also have sexual trauma. Getting HSV was like putting salt in a wound and bringing back all the feelings of dirtiness and shame I had felt. It was like getting HSV validated all the shameful and mean thoughts I had about myself. However, please know that you are not bad. You are not dirty. This is not your fault. Having H doesn't mean anything about you. It is a common virus. It doesn't define you!

The mixed emotions you feel towards your partner are also normal. Being with someone for ten years and being devoted to one another, and then have this happen, definetely would lead to a break in trust, but not necessarily a break in love. Couples counseling may really benefit you, and having individual can help you process things from your perspective. 

In the mean time, focus on healing and setting up resources like therapy to help you cope. Communication is essential to heal this hurt. You will be okay 💛 we are here for you! There is hope and healing for you 💛🌈 feel free to direct message me any time!!

Sending prayers your way! 🌻🌈💛 


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...