Just disclosed - feeling discouraged

[Beachgirl16]

I’ve been dating a man for 6 weeks. I just disclosed the other night. He seemed understanding and of course thanked me for telling him. He said he’d do the research and let me know how he feels. 
This waiting is horrible. It brings back all the feelings of shame and scrutiny I felt when I first found out. 
What makes it worse is how most sites online are not really accurate! I was devastated until I found this site and got more information that puts the risks of transmission into perspective, especially how low female to male transmission is…. But that’s not what he’ll see. He’ll read all the crazy information like how you can get it from just touching someone with your finger… ( I just read this on one site yesterday!)

I know I’m worth more than this, but this still hurts so much to possibly be rejected for something I can’t control 😞

[AlliKat12]

Hello,

Maybe let him know that the information on google can be misleading.  I thought the same thing when I found out I had GHSV1, it was devistating to read all the things that the internet told me about this virus that I would have for the rest of my life.  If you feel comfortable with it, you could always give him information from this site or he could always go talk to a doctor who can tell him similar things. 

I hope he lets you know soon so the waiting can stop.  

[mr_hopp]

Hey there, @Beachgirl16!

First off, kudos to you for disclosing to your partner. It takes a lot of courage to have that conversation, and I'm glad to hear he was understanding and appreciative of your honesty.

I totally hear you about the waiting game being tough. It's hard not to let our minds wander and worry about all the worst-case scenarios. But as @AlliKat12 mentioned, it's important to remember that not everything we read online is accurate or reliable, and it's easy to get lost in the noise. The internet can be a wild and scary place, especially when it comes to medical information. And medical information that also has a layer of stigma/shame smeared on top? Oof, even worse. 

If you feel comfortable, you could suggest that your partner check out the handouts that come with the free e-book or other reputable sources for more accurate and trustworthy information about herpes. Or, he could even talk to a healthcare provider who can provide more personalized and accurate information. That way, he can make an informed decision based on facts rather than fear and stigma. But keep in mind that even all healthcare providers are not created equal; I've heard plenty of horror stories of even healthcare providers being shamey/judgy about herpes and/or giving outright false info (e.g., "You don't need to disclose since you can't pass herpes unless you're having an outbreak" being the most popular of the false claims that too many doctors still think is true). *smh*

In the meantime, try to focus on taking care of yourself and practicing self-compassion. And worst-case scenario, if it ends up being a "no thank you" ... Rejection can be a tough pill to swallow, especially when it feels like we can't control the situation. But remember, rejection isn't always about us as individuals. It's possible that your partner may be rejecting the idea of herpes, not you personally. Just like how people have different preferences when it comes to dating, such as smoking or having children or bad debt or eating with your mouth open (there's a longer list, I'm sure of it) 😆 they may also have preferences when it comes to the risk of getting herpes. It's important to accept and respect their decision, whatever it may be, without harboring any resentment. I've always chosen to see it as trusting that on some level it just wasn't meant to be.

And if your partner does decide that they're not comfortable with the idea of dating someone with herpes, remember that it doesn't mean the end of the world or the end of your dating life. There are plenty of people out there who are open and accepting, and who won't let a common virus get in the way of a meaningful connection. Keep your head up and keep being your awesome self, and the right person will come along when the time is right.

Wishing you all the best!

[Beachgirl16]

Thank you both for your comments. Still no word…. but I do feel this is more about the H than it is about me.  It doesn’t define who I am.
I’m filling my life with friends and family and telling myself that what’s meant for me will stay. 
It just stinks when you’re honest with someone because you start to trust them and they seem to just run away. But it’s better to know now. 

 

[mr_hopp]

Beautiful and grounded perspective. Yes.