Lost, confused, heartbroken, angry, sad....

[Lost1234]

I was just diagnosed 2 days ago with HSV-1 and I am absolutely terrified. I am in a relationship right now and have been with the same man for over 2 years. I am not sure where this came from. But my doctor is convinced I got it from him. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. He treats me like I have never been treated and I have never felt so loved. Mind you there is a pretty significant age difference. He tells me almost everyday that he is going to love me forever and wants to spend the rest of our lives together. He tells me that he has never in his entire life felt about anyone the way he feels about me. And I can see it in his eyes. He looks at me the way I look at him. We are supposed to spend the day together tomorrow and I know I need to tell him about this sooner than later. But I am absolutely terrified of the reaction. And I don't even know how to tell him. I don't know what to say. I'm just so lost. :( I guess I am just scared that me telling him this will ruin the amazing relationship that we have together. But I would rather tell him and lose him than live a lie. Even though losing him would be absolutely devastating. Ugh. I just don't know any more. I feel so unlovable. So tainted. Ashamed. Sad. I'm sorry for being so poor poor me. I'm not trying to I just don't know what to do. :(

[mr_hopp]

Hey Lost,

 

Welcome to the forums! Know that you're not alone. 80% of Americans 14-49 years old carry HSV-1. Yes, 80%. You're in the overwhelming majority of people. Welcome to Herpesville, USA. :) Most of the time, HSV-1 shows up as cold sores on the mouth, which tons of people have and there is seemingly no stigma around vs. lots of stigma if it's on the genitals (which is bull-honkey since it's all the same virus).

 

Many people carry the HSV-1 virus, yet never have an outbreak. He could have been carrying it for years and not know it or you could have been carrying it for years, too. There's really no telling who gave it to who if it ends up that he has HSV-1 as well. This virus travels around a lot! :)

 

So hey, stop beating yourself up, darlin'! You aren't tainted. At all. You aren't unlovable because of a simple virus. You're only unlovable if you convince yourself that you are. (And why would you want to do that?) ;) You won't lose him, because from everything you've said so far, you've done nothing wrong. And if it's meant to be and he truly does love you as deeply as you feel, then carrying a virus that creates a skin rash won't stop that.

 

So did you just get a blood test and found that you carry the HSV-1 virus? Or did you have an oral or genital outbreak of HSV-1?

[Lost1234]

I had a biopsy done for other reasons and then I had 3 little bumps pop up down there that were itchy so I thought maybe it was some kind of allergic reaction of some sort to the stuff she used. It cleared up in only a few days. The doc originally thought it was infected hair follicles from shaving. She did cultures. I got a preliminary report when I went in for my post op appt and she said the results were not final. Then she gave me the all clear and then the day before yesterday she called me and told me that they ran one more test and it came back positive for hsv1, which she said was contracted from oral sex. Which with my bf is almost an everyday thing. So she put me on antivirals. And here I am.

[mr_hopp]

Ah, got it. So yes, that's most likely what happened. Your boyfriend most likely has a history of cold sores (since 80% of Americans do), which was then passed to you genitally through oral sex. Whether or not he has active oral outbreaks on his mouth or not doesn't matter since herpes virally sheds a certain % of the time (% varies depending on whether it's HSV-1 or 2 and whether it's oral or genital). Over 50% of new genital herpes cases are through oral sex, so people are just not aware that can happen.

 

So how to talk with him about it? Remember first that you're in partnership about this. You didn't cheat on him or do anything "wrong." And we're assuming he hasn't either. Ask him if he's ever had cold sores; then go on from there based on the information you're finding out here. It was probably just innocent ignorance on his part, if he has had cold sores. And asking him can kick off that conversation. Again, you're not tainted. You're not any less than. Please don't put yourself down like that. This is something you will get through. I promise you. We are all here for you and so many of us know exactly how you're feeling right now. We've all felt our own versions of shame. And know that these feelings you have right now will change for the best. They will change like the weather. Know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are whole just as you are, with all of your amazingness and all of your imperfections. It's all beautifully human.

[Lost1234]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's really needed in a time like this. This is so unimaginable. I have every intention on telling him tomorrow, hopefully all goes well. I tend to look at worst-case scenarios all the time, I always think that's what's going happen. Hopefully I'm wrong, hopefully everything work out. I will deathly keep you posted on the situation thank you for everything.

[mr_hopp]

Only use worst-case scenarios to plan in a logistical way. If you use worst-case scenario to anticipate and feel all the way up until the event, then you're doing nothing but torturing yourself on the what-if that will have you feel the worst! :) What you focus on tends to become bigger in your mind and in your emotions.

 

For example, when you get into your car, you know that there is a 1% chance that you'll die in a car accident. So you put on your seatbelt. But you don't spend the WHOLE TIME while you're in the car paranoid and bracing to be hit and die, do you? I hope not. Or you're wasting a lot of energy on the worrying instead of simply driving and taking in the scenery.

 

Have you read the e-book yet that I wrote about the herpes talk? If not, read it now. It'll help you get into the proper mindset and focus on what you deserve to focus on. Don't focus on the herpes and possible rejection; focus on your wonderful connection that you clearly have with this man.

 

Here's a link to grab the free e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

You got this. :)

[Lost1234]

Yes I have read the book it helps a lot thank you. I think I'm actually going to print a lot of information out for him that way if he wants to know anything it's all right there at his disposal. Aside from the explaining the little bit of information that I know. Again thank you.

[Irish1]

I was devastated when I first found out. 14 years later & I can tell you now that its just been a minor problem. You will be ok.

[dancingintherain]

Hello Lost. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such anxiety :( I know 10 people who have hsv in either the cold sore form or the down there form. 11 including myself. All of these people are wonderful and loving and amazing. So are you xxo

 

You know more about your body now than you ever did. Having this knowledge means you can move forward and care for your body more than you ever did too. My diagnosis was a big wake up call for me. I now follow a healthy diet and exercise daily because I realised that I was kinda taking my body and health for granted. I now receive compliments on my 'new' body. It's no carnival but there is pros for having this virus!! I think the only way to deal is to find the positives (looking after #1 you) and work on them. The honest truth is there's going to be good days and bad days but know that eventually the good days will outweigh the bad ones.

 

I hope things turn out the way you need them too.

Kindly

ditr

[Lost1234]

Thank you DITR I hope eventually I get to the point you are at. And hopefully sooner than later. :/ I have been such an emotional roller coaster. I minute I'm laughing and smiling, having a great day. And then the next I am crying my eyes out. I really hate it. It's hard. :(