Thank you herpes

[Equanimous]

I am a 31 years old man and I tested positive 5 days back. The last two weeks since my outbreak has been a ride on a mad roller coaster operated by a deranged clown. A lot of painful self-reflection. But through it all this site has been a great blessing. It has given me the vocabulary to articulate how I should feel. Adrial's words about having to move beyond herpes and the feeling of shame, and to use it to dig deeper and become a more compassionate, loving, human being resonate with what I have always believed about life (but only practiced rarely). We are fortunate to be alive..everyday.. to experience this wonderful world and all that it has to offer, and each of us deserves a life without shame, regret or unhappiness. And we are wonderful as we are...complete and beautiful. The me two weeks back would never have contemplated saying this but Herpes is going to be that final push in my journey towards acceptance. A life without excuses.

 

I know its early days and that the road is long but even just two weeks have taught me so much about myself. I was haughty, arrogant and insecure. STIs were things that happened to others....not to happy, healthy, successful people. Sex was all about validating myself, the more attractive the girl the better I felt about myself. It made me realize that there are parts of me that I am deeply insecure about and keep well hidden... even from those closest to me...scared that they might judge me for my weaknesses.

 

Herpes has brought all of this shit frothing to the top and I know now that I need to clear the garbage so that I can one day truly accept who I am, and move beyond self-doubt and be open and vulnerable to the possibility of meaningful love.

 

So thank you herpes. (But I will kick your butt!)

 

Thanks for everyone on this forum. Your posts have kept me from feeling alone and isolated.

 

Say NO to Shame. Respect!

 

P.S: I live in Washington DC. Would love to meet up and talk to someone (male/female) who is going through similar stuff. Drop me a line.

[hope75]

 

Thank you for posting this. Its so good to read how people are turning this thing around and making it into a positive experience. Its a brave thing to post something so personal on here and reading posts like this help keep me going, and make me realise I am not alone in this, so thank you. Lets keep trying to make this a positive experience. I also realize that my past behaviours are due to parts of me that I am deeply insecure about and keep well hidden, scared that I might be judged for my weaknesses. Herpes has been the shift that I needed in order to accept who I am faults and all. I am now also hoping to move beyond self-doubt and be open and vulnerable to the possibility of meaningful love.

 

 

[mr_hopp]

Bro! I'm LOVING your perspective, humor and realness. It all feels quite refreshing. And so, so true. It's inspiring to me that you are choosing that this process will be a positive one for you. That is huge. Sometimes (most of the time), we can forget that we do have the choice of HOW we will be experiencing the herpes healing/growth process (and heck, life itself!). And this is a choice we have moment by moment. Thank you for demonstrating what that looks like, what that feels like. And even though it was only a few days ago that you received the news, you are starting this process off in a heartfelt way. I feel the courage in your post, willing to look at all your stuff head on. Dedication to your growth ... building your integrity ... digging into your depth ... I look back on my own process and realize it has been quite beautiful overall, because it has helped to mold me into the man I am today. And I love that man. Sometimes life is trial by fire, burning away the parts of us that are holding us back from being who we truly are.

 

I'm glad you and your energy are here. I'm excited to stay connected to your process with our community.

 

“Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

P.S. What had you choose the name Equanimous? Is it a Vipassana reference?

[Judith]

HI,

 

really great and honest post man. You choose directly the right way ,you choose that herpes give you an opportunity to be better and more self accepting person. I couldn't go this journey so soon as you when I got H but everyone have his own struggle with that. At the end herpes is probably more a blessing then the poor companion as we see it in the beginning. Herpes gives us time to think about our self and it gives us the chance to have a deep look at our self and other person even its sometimes very painful and confusing. I am still on my way ,I am not as far as Adrial is but I will keep on going till I see the light :) Keep your head up as you do already. Wish you the best. :)

I like the quote of Ralph Waldo Emerson...well said

[Equanimous]

 

Thanks you all!

 

Hope, and Judith, I feel like we are all on the same rickety old bus that has a temporary flat tire, but together we will fix it, and drive it to a nice sunny beach! (Adrial's already there holding a cocktail) :)

 

And Adrial man..you are truly a shining light. You have really inspired me on how to approach herpes. Some day (hopefully before my teeth start falling out!) I want to be as courageous as you are in being open about herpes.... without a trace of shame. And to publicly advocate to create awareness and help others going through a painful experience. A campaign against shame. Respect! (and many thanks!)

 

I really am glad that I found this site. This is a wonderful space for all of us to support one another and use what is in the larger scheme of things an irrelevant occasional skin condition to really connect with ourselves and others.

 

And the name is indeed a vipassana reference :) Funnily enough I did my course a month back. So Oct-2013 has really been a really interesting and intense experience!

 

[Pacific]

Love, love this post. Equanimous, I admire and respect that you took a challenging moment in life and transformed it into a learning experience. You came upon a fork in the road and you chose the enlightened path that will lead to self-actualization. And Adrial, a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson whose writings shaped my world-view? Perfect. Another reminder that the universe provides us with teaching moments and we should seize upon those opportunities.

[hope75]

sex on the beach please !! ( the cocktail) :-)

[peaceandlove]

Equanimous, this post is inspiring thank you so much for posting it! Seeing how you are taking this condition and not only using it to reflect on yourself but also to transform your life into exactly what you want it to be is something to be commended! We all had insecurites before H, and instead of letting it add to them, you are overcoming all of it. We all have a choice on how we react to the events in our lives and after reading your post (as well as many others on this site. What a great place for understanding and healing!) I think I can choose to use this diagnosis to grow. Respect.

 

 

[Equanimous]

Thanks Pacific and PL!

[WCSDancer2010]

Love all of this. Thank you for sharing your experience ... this is a post that I can see will be a great one to point to people and say "THIS is what we mean by the "Opportunity"...

 

Peace

[Dimples7]

I absolutely loved this post! It's posts like this that give me the drive to move past/overcome herpes! And like you I will kick its butt lol