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Disclosure after protected sex


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So I’m HSV2 positive. I found out about 2 years ago now from a blood test and although completely devastated at first being that I’m asymptomatic it hasn’t affected my day to day life at all. Within those 2 years I haven’t dated anyone, talked to people here & there over apps but nothing more. I recently started dating a great guy and I had every intention of having the sexual health talk prior to getting physical but on our most recent date things escalated very quickly & unexpectedly to physical. After a lot of heavy foreplay with clothes on, even though I wanted to have sex I stopped & I tried to say I wanted to wait because I wanted us to get to know each other more before having sex . He was feeling confused & not understanding my reason behind why (I guess I struggled explaining that being it wasn’t the real reason why I didn’t want to go any further). I didn’t feel I had prepared myself to disclose then & there especially after I had already riled him up so we ended up having sex. Although I did make sure we used a condom and that no oral sex or any of his digits were used I now feel really shitty and disappointed in myself for not just stopping all together and going about it the way I planned & discussing it beforehand. This will be my first time disclosing to someone & although I’m extremely afraid  & starting to have those feelings of no one is going to want me & fear of how he’ll react and getting rejected I refuse to continue without him knowing. I just really need some advice on how to go about it. I’m also extra nervous about it because we actually got set up by a mutual friend of mine and I’m worried about that person finding out or wondering why things ended if he does reject me.😩 I don’t think I have it in me to do it in person or over the phone so I was thinking of sending it via text. Should I send it with stats? Any advice or help would be much appreciated.

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Hey @Miranda, sorry it's taken me a few days to respond! Holidays and such. 🙂

It's really tough being in this situation, but it's great that you're committed to being honest with your new guy. That's a definite plus. And the feeling shitty later is a signal that your conscience morals are alive and well. Feeling those feelings will certainly help to change your actions if you were in a similar situation in the future. 

Here’s a way you can approach it ...

Start with how much you value him and your connection. Explain that you’ve been meaning to talk about something important. You can share that you found out about HSV-2 two years ago and that you’re asymptomatic, so it hasn't impacted your day-to-day life. Be honest about why you didn't disclose earlier and your fears. Vulnerability and honesty. 

Sending stats can help (download the handouts that come with the free ebook), but keep it personal and reassuring. Mention that condoms reduce the risk and you’re on suppressive therapy if applicable (details about all this data is broken down in the handouts). Encourage him to ask questions and let him know you’re open to discussing any concerns he has.

You’ve got this. Take a deep breath, be honest, and give him the chance to respond.

Good luck!

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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