Feeling doomed but hopeful

[Hopeful_me]

I was sexually assaulted about 1 1/2 yrs ago.  I went to a Sexual Health Clinic afterwards to be checked for and STIs.  I was advised that I had not contracted any STIs.  I was relieved and decided to put the entire incident behind me.  In the time following this I had, what I have come to find out jut recently, a few outbreaks.  I did not know at the time what it was.  I just thought heat rash from sweating too much etc.  After being advised I had no STIs it just never occurred to me that that is what it could be. 

Now I have met someone and we had oral sex.  After this encounter I see 4 blisters, bumps the next day.  I know this will sound stupid but I thought this skin irritation was due to him being not shaved cleanly and bit eager.  I had my yearly Drs. appt scheduled for the following week.  By this time the blisters had broken and were scabbed over.  During the examination my Dr. tells me I have Herpes!!!!!  I am confused, horrified, crying just plain distraught.  When I got home I phoned the Sexual Assault clinic that had tested me after the assault.  I said they had told me I didn't contract any STIs but now my Dr. says I have Herpes!  They advised they don't test for that! I was shattered. 

I have done extensive reading of your material and have come to the conclusion I do have it.  Now I'm so upset about telling the person I've been intimate with.  We have a great rapport but it has been a very short relationship thus far.  We are both very honest people so it is my duty and responsibility to tell him.  I'm frightened, and I'm praying to God he didn't get infected.  What are the chances that he will be negative?  Can they even check him if he has no visible symptoms?  How do I approach this?  Tell him I have it and if he has symptoms to get checked. 

I realize many people have this virus and don't know they have it.  How can you protect yourself and potential partners if you can't get a diagnosis unless you have blisters!!!!  Feel doomed, lost.  However, I do know that I am still a good person.  It has not changed any of my personality traits.  It's the other people who have to realize that.  Any suggestions or help you can provide would be welcome.

[mr_hopp]

I’m really sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. It sounds overwhelming, but you’re not alone, and there are ways to manage this.

First, it’s good that you’re thinking about being honest with your partner. Here’s a way to approach the conversation ...

Tell him about your recent diagnosis and that you weren’t aware because the initial clinic didn’t test for herpes (a common occurrence, unfortunately — even if you tell them you want to be tested for everything, they don't consider testing for herpes part of a standard STD panel). Explain that herpes can be transmitted even without visible symptoms, but using protection and avoiding contact during outbreaks reduces the risk. If you haven't already, download the free handouts with all the stats broken down in easy-to-understand terms: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Encourage him to get tested even if he has no symptoms. Blood tests can detect herpes antibodies (but might not be detectable for 12-16 weeks). Being open and honest is crucial, and it shows you care about his health.

Remember, herpes is a common condition, and many people live healthy, happy lives with it. Your worth as a person certainly hasn’t changed. Stay strong and keep us in the loop!

[Hopeful_me]

Thank you for your prompt response. I had downloaded your material and read through all of it.  Your presentation certainly helped me view this infection in a different light and helped me to disclose to my partner in a more informative matter rather than knocking myself down. 

I went back to the Sexual Health Clinic today and they examined me and took blood and urine samples.  They will be giving me the results in a week.  I pray there is a God!

 

[mr_hopp]

Regardless of which side the results come down on, you will live a full life. Just like any challenge, it feels like it knocks us down initially, but eventually it could be the thing that actually makes us stronger. 💪 You got this. 

[Hopeful_me]

Well I got my results back yesterday and I am HPV 2 positive.   My partner is now going to get tested.  We haven't been seeing each other that long and although he has been very supportive and understanding during this time I'm afraid that if he tests negative he will no longer wish to see me.  When I think of that  possibility it makes me cry. We have a great rapport and are so honest with each other.  It is rare to find this kind of compatibility. 

Also, I am unable to recognize when I am going to have an outbreak which really worries me.  I have read what many of the signs are and I don't seem to experience any of them.  This stresses me terribly as how will I know when it's coming and to advise my partner so we make sure we are not intimate until the outbreak is over.

Thanks

 

[mr_hopp]

Hey @Doomed, (you really must change your screen name to something more hopeful) 🙃

(I'm assuming you mean HSV-2, not HPV-2? HPV is the virus that can cause genital warts, which is an altogether different STI.)

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I totally get it. It’s tough, but you’re absolutely not alone. It’s great that your partner has been supportive. Being honest and open with him is the right step. If he gets tested and is negative, it doesn’t mean the end. Many discordant couples (one has herpes, the other doesn't) manage this together with no impact to their relationship in the slightest. My wife doesn't have herpes and it has been such a non-issue in our relationship; there's just so much more to a relationship than a stigmatized skin condition. 

Recognizing outbreaks can be tricky. Some don’t have clear signs. And asymptomatic viral shedding you won't be able to tell at all, so there's always at least a small risk involved. Keep track of any changes you feel to help spot patterns, which will at least help you spot prodrome symptoms (those symptoms that may be pointing to an outbreak starting to sprout up).

Remember, herpes is common, and many live happy, full lives with it. Your worth hasn’t changed. Stay strong and keep seeking support.

You got this!

[Hopeful_me]

Yes you are correct; it is HSV-2.  I think I may have recognized an outbreak symptom.  It's not on the list of common signs but maybe someone else experiences this.  My buttocks surrounding my anus were feeling a bit numb.  Then I noticed a blister, I think, it is in a difficult location to see well.  I would have to be a contortionist to really see it. LOL  So I have booked an appt with my sexual health clinic today and they are going to test it for me.  If positive, then I will know that the numbness signifies an outbreak is coming and I should talk my meds asap and abstain.  Is that correct?

Also, people I have talked to are telling me to stay out of the sun. That the sun triggers outbreaks!!!!  Is this true.  I'm always outside playing sports etc.  Do I have to become a house hermit as well?

I will think of a different screen name.  Having read your material I feel a bit better. You have amazing presentation skills and I'm so glad I found your site.  It has helped to de-stigmatize it for me.  I just heard on the news at the Paris Olympic dorms that there is an abundance of free condoms etc. as it is rife with STIs.  Perhaps this is a sign that it is being brought out in the open more and perceptions may change.   

Thankyou for your time and dedication to this topic.

 

 

[Hopeful_me]

I tried to change my profile name to something more positive but doesn't allow me.  I selected Edit Profile but "Doomed" shows up but can't change it.  Very disappointed.  Like to change to Hopeful but can't.  

[mr_hopp]

Hey @Hopeful_me! (New screen name, hope you like it!)

I’m glad you’re recognizing symptoms and getting them checked. Yes, if you think you have an outbreak, taking your meds and abstaining from sex is the right move. Numbness could be a prodrome signal, so it’s good you’re paying attention to your body. Prodrome is different for everyone, so you'll get to know yours better as time passes.

About the sun, it can sometimes trigger outbreaks in some people, but it doesn’t mean you need to become a hermit. Use sunscreen and take breaks in the shade if you’re outside for long periods. Staying active and enjoying sports is important for your overall well-being, so definitely don't cut those out! Just don't overstress your body to the point of being unhealthy ... that's what can cause outbreaks for people is when their immune system gets taxed too much and can't put as much attention on holding herpes at bay.

Changing your screen name is a great idea! It’s wonderful to hear that the material has helped de-stigmatize things for you. You’re on the right track, and remember, you’re not alone in this. The world is becoming more open about STIs, and you’re part of that change. You can't change your profile name, but I'm happy to do it for you. Hopeful was already taken, so does Hopeful_me work for you? 🙂

[Hopeful_me]

Thanks Adrial for changing my profile name.  Just saying it out loud changes my mindset.  

I am very active and in the sun a lot but I always use sunscreen.  A health practitioner at the Sexual Health clinic said the sun is more of a factor with HSV-1 - oral. I am healthy and it is a priority for me.  If I were to give up my activities that would certainly put me into a tailspin. I may try taking Lysine to see if that is an outbreak inhibitor for me.  I would rather herbal remedies to taking meds every day. 

Your site has been so helpful and informative.  Thank you for what you do!

[Hopeful_me]

If my partner's results come back negative how does that change our sexual intimacy?  Do we always have to use condoms or dental dams? Can we never experience oral sex or intercourse again in the traditional manner due to the risk that I may pass it to him?  If this is the case, I doubt he will stay with me.  I wouldn't blame him really.  I guess the only solution is to try and find someone who has herpes then the transmission factor is a non issue.  I have such an amazing connection with this man and he with me but not being able to enjoy sex in the normal fashion is a devastating thought.

Do you have any enlightening information to share with me? 

 

Still Hopeful Me.

[mr_hopp]

Hi @Hopeful_me, (the name looks good on ya)

I totally get your worries, but remember that the risk of passing herpes to your partner is actually really low, especially with precautions. If you’re using condoms and daily suppressive therapy, the risk of transmission is around 1% per year. Even using just one of these methods brings the risk down to 2%. Check out all the risk breakdowns on the free handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Many couples manage this and have normal, absolutely fulfilling sex lives. My wife and I are a great example. I have herpes, she doesn’t, and it hasn’t affected our life or intimacy at all. (In fact, I've had the best sex of my life *after* getting herpes; go figure.) We’ve even had a child together without any issue.

Stay hopeful and keep communicating with your partner. You’re on the right path!

[Hopeful_me]

Thank you Adrial for giving me more hope.  I just don't want to take daily suppressive medication unless absolutely necessary.  I have started taking Lysine first to see if that reduces the number of outbreaks.  The last outbreak was small and not really bothersome at all.  The one before had more blisters but I believe was brought on by the stress caused by my initial diagnosis.  My partner has been so understanding so I'm a bit more relaxed and hopefully that combined with the Lysine will reduce the number of outbreaks.  

Thank God you are here and have created this website full of invaluable information.  It has been so helpful to me.  

Hopeful_me

 

[Sumshine]

I just read your story. I'm so sorry that you have acquired herpes and even more sorry about the way you acquired it. The chances of your friend acquiring herpes from you during oral sex is very, very low. I think it's 1% if I'm not mistaken. I have never passed it to anyone and I've had hsv2 for 42 years. One thing that really, really helps is taking the meds daily, making sure you have no outbreak and using a lot of lube during sex, which prevents tearing of your skin. This is how I've always rolled, and it has really worked for me. I am dating a guy who I told right up front (as I always have), and he had no concerns at all. He had been tested and showed me his clear STD test which did include testing for herpes. He already knew an awful lot about Herpes anyway because he had dated a girl with it years ago. All he requires from me is that I take my daily meds and that's it. He never brings it up and we have been together for going on 7 months and use no protection! I really hope and pray that your new guy understands your situation and that the risk is really low for him acquiring it from you. There is a book out there called "the good news about the bad news." It's written by Terry Warren who is a herpes expert. It's a small book and a very easy read and can answer a lot of your questions. Best wishes!!!!