Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

A lot of thoughts and feelings


Recommended Posts

Posted

Hi, me again.

i have so much in my mind.

I think i am mourning the changes i expect to my sex life with this diagnosis. I feel like if my husband doesn’t have it, we will have to be so much more careful now with condoms all the time (I’m also on the pill), and omitting oral sex altogether (I’ve never used a dental dam I’m not sure if it is weird or not). 
my partner and I have also engaged in consensual non monogamy in the past (with other women). I’m sad to think that may have to end. My experience of queer sex with other women is that people are not into dental dams (I know that’s a generalization). 
 

im also so scared of another outbreak, which seems inevitable. It was so painful and embarrassing the first time, I dread the idea of it happening again. Like I had to cancel plans and miss work for the pain, and if it keeps happening how do I explain that to people? 
 

im also afraid of how this impacts family planning, as we had wanted our first child in a few years. If my husband doesn’t have it it’s a risk for him to try to conceive naturally (but I know there’s suppressives I can take when that time comes). I’m also scared of having an outbreak late in pregnancy and having to get a c-section, which is something I’ve always wanted to avoid. 

I’ve done some research which helps me feel less shame and stigma…but at the same time I am so disgusted by myself and terrified of other people judging me for it (even though I don’t judge other people for it….but thats internalized stigma for you). I don’t want to tell anybody.

but…I feel like I have to reach out and tell my old partners about it, even if I haven’t spoken to them for 3+ years…because we got it somewhere! 
I know it can come from oral as well but neither my husband or I get cold sores. I know people have to do it all the time but I hate the idea of having to send those messages to these old partners 

its just a lot to process.
 

 

  • Like 1
Posted

Hey @CatsAndCrochet,

I’m really sorry you’re going through all this. It’s a lot to handle, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.

Firstly, it’s totally normal to mourn the changes in your sex life. Condoms and dental dams can feel like barriers, but they’re there to help protect your partner. It might take some time to adjust, but many couples find ways to maintain intimacy and enjoyment. And total protection isn't always the norm when it comes to longer term relationships. It's not so black-and-white, it's more a consideration of risk/reward and the tradeoffs inherent in that. Check out the free handouts with the ebook to see the breakdown of stats; it's actually much more difficult to pass herpes to a partner than the stigma may have us believe. Since 80% of people who have herpes don't know they have it makes it much more likely to get herpes from someone who is oblivious vs. someone who knows they have it and is knowledgeable about their prodrome sensations and symptoms. 

For consensual non-monogamy, it’s a bit more complicated but absolutely doable. People in that space are much more aware of the state of STIs in our culture than anyone else, so they can also be more open-minded and able to balance risk/reward in their considerations. Honest communication with new partners about your status and how you manage it is crucial. Some might be okay with the precautions you take. Check out this video for more on this topic: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/casual-hookups-with-herpes

Fearing another outbreak is understandable. They can be painful and disruptive. Managing stress and taking suppressive therapy can help reduce their frequency and severity. If it’s affecting your life a lot, talk to your doctor about other management strategies.

Regarding family planning, many people with HSV have healthy pregnancies and babies. Daily suppressive therapy near the end of pregnancy reduces the risk of passing it to the baby. C-sections are only recommended if there’s an active outbreak during delivery. It’s good to discuss your concerns with your doctor to plan ahead. Passing herpes to babies is actually a very rare thing, and after your body has it under control (usually after a year on average), then there's that much more protection of passing it to your baby through natural vaginal delivery. 

The internalized stigma is tough. Remember, having herpes doesn’t change your worth. It’s a common condition, and many people manage it and live full lives. Sharing your status with past partners is responsible but stressful. Maybe draft a simple message explaining the situation and offering support if they need it.

You’re not alone in this. It’s a lot to process, but with time and support, it will get easier. Reach out to your support network, and take care of yourself.

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...