Misdiagnosed at first

[Lolly]

I found out I had hsv2 recently. It really blindsided me. I thought I had been tested for every sti/std and was in perfect health. I got a painful sore on the base of my tailbone which I thought was perhaps a bad bug bite. It hurt & it wasn't getting better so I went to an urgent care to have it looked at. The doctor said it was shingles. He did swab it to see if it was a bacterial infection. That came back negative.  
Not knowing I had hsv2, I continued to have unprotected sex with my partner. He knew about the spot and the diagnosis of shingles, and we kept on doing what we always did. Fast forward to mid June. I felt the spot returning so I went to the same place because the doc had given me valtrex and an antibiotic, and said it was shingles.  This time it was a different doctor and he said he was going to test me for HSV and Shingles. I was horrified to find the test came back positive for HSV2.  I never had any bumps or sores on my vagina or anywhere near my genitals. Just that spot on my lower back.  Of course, I told my partner what was happening in real time. He was not worried and we kept having unprotected sex until I got the lab report that said HSV2 positive.  We both did a lot of reading and research about it. He hasn't had any symptoms that he has mentioned to me. I have asked him to please get tested and he said he would, but it's been like 2 months and he hasn't. Meanwhile, we have only tried sex with a condom once since I got diagnosed.  I'm not sure he wants me anymore. I want to know his status, we have been together for 5 years, having unprotected sex. I never had an outbreak until November '23 and then again in June, when I found out what it was.  I know the virus can lay dormant for many years, and I wasn't with anyone else.  I was drinking a lot of protein shakes that were high in arginine. I stopped them at once and I decided to go on suppressive medication.  I am not having symptoms. He says I'm still his fantasy girl, but there's been no sex. I'm worried that now all of a sudden I am a sexual leper, even though he might already have it and doesn't know 😞

[mr_hopp]

Welcome @Lolly!

Finding out you have HSV2 can be a huge shock, especially when you thought everything was fine. It’s tough when you’ve had a health scare like this, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. It’s not uncommon to mistake herpes sores for other skin conditions, like bug bites or shingles, especially if they appear in unusual spots like your tailbone. Your experience shows just how sneaky HSV2 can be since it doesn’t always show up as typical genital sores.

It’s great that you’re being open and honest with your partner. The fact that he’s still calling you his “fantasy girl” shows he cares, even if the lack of sex is worrying you. It’s understandable to feel anxious about his reluctance to get tested or the changes in your sex life. It can take time for people to come around to getting tested, so encourage him gently. You might try having another conversation about why knowing his status is important for both of you.

Remember, HSV2 can lie dormant for a long time, so it’s possible it was there before you started having symptoms. It’s good that you’ve stopped the protein shakes high in arginine and started on suppressive medication, as both steps might help manage your symptoms.

Communication is key. Continue to talk openly with your partner about how you’re feeling. Be patient with yourself and with him as you both adjust. You’re certainly not a leper, and this doesn’t define you. Many couples live happily with one partner having herpes, so don’t lose hope. I have herpes and my wife does not, and we have a 7 year old son. When it comes to everything else that couples go through together, herpes has been such a non-issue. Life goes on.

Keep your chin up! You’ve got this.

[Lolly]

Thank you for your thoughtful response.  We have had several conversations about it and he agrees that it's pretty likely that he has it already, since we both thought we were totally healthy and took zero precautions. I still would like to know his status. I think it made him feel better that I decided to do the suppressive therapy, even though he didn't ask me to do it.  I wonder if he was positive for hsv2 if I would keep taking the medication. I suppose I would only take it if the virus was bothering me.  
 

I was with a guy many years ago that told me, maybe 10 years after our relationship had ended that he had contracted it. I have no way of knowing if I got it from him and it was dormant all these years. I'm in my early 50's, so that would have been a pretty long time for it to be hiding. Also, I seem to recall being tested back then and being negative.  
 

I have a 10 year old child, and I wonder, was I hsv2 positive when I was pregnant? I have only had 2 partners since that time.  I didn't think I was positive. I thought they tested for everything and I was fine. My daughter is fine & the pregnancy was fine too, even though I was relatively old for a first time mom.

i have been under stress lately and drinking those protein shakes, too. Also, maybe menopause has triggered it?  I sure want to put it back into hiding 🙂

[mr_hopp]

@Lolly

It sounds like you’re handling this situation with a lot of thoughtfulness and care. It’s good that you and your partner have talked about the likelihood that he might already have HSV2. It makes sense to want to know his status for peace of mind, but if he’s not ready to get tested, maybe it’s worth focusing on the positives, like the fact that you’re both still together and working through it.

Suppressive therapy can be a reassuring step for both of you, even if it wasn’t his idea. If he is positive, you might consider whether you still need to take it, but as you mentioned, it’s there if the virus starts causing any issues. Everyone’s different, and it’s all about what makes you feel best. Here's an article about the 2 reasons to take herpes medication: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-medication

Regarding your past relationship, HSV2 can indeed remain dormant for years (it did for me!), but it’s hard to say when you contracted it. Since you were negative when you were pregnant, it seems you didn’t have it back then. However, even the most well-known blood test for herpes, the IgG test, is rife with false negatives and false positives, so it may have been missed. So it’s totally normal to feel a bit unsure about the timeline, but remember that many factors can trigger outbreaks, including stress, diet, or yes, hormonal changes like menopause.

It’s great that your daughter was born healthy and everything went smoothly with the pregnancy. This shows that you’re strong and capable of managing things, even under stress. 😉 

If you want to put the virus back into hiding, focusing on reducing stress, eating well, and getting plenty of rest might help. Keep the communication open with your partner, and remember that you’re not alone in this journey. Many people have been where you are and live happy, fulfilling lives. Keep your head up! You’re doing great. 😊

[Lolly]

I read that it can't be passed through household items, but some places I read that it could! I worry that my daughter could catch it from a towel or something. I have been super fastidious about cleanliness since I learned I had it, and I even bought all new towels, some that are just for her, special, so she loves them and uses only those ones. Should I worry for her?

As for my partner, he worries that the tests are so imperfect. Even if I did catch it from him, I wouldn't be able to be upset with him. I'm sure neither of us had any idea. I hope he doesn't send me to "friendzona". We have a super friendship, but I think we will both miss the sparks that fly when we're together if he decides it's to much of a risk.

I guess I am grateful that my past experience talking to my ex about his situation informed me that it wasn't the end of his love life. He had some very significant relationships after he was diagnosed. Sadly he passed away earlier this year, or I would have called him and cried.  I'm not upset with him either, except that I thought he would be in this world a lot longer than he was. It was cancer that took him, nothing to do with herpes. I'm sad he isn't here now.
 

 

[mr_hopp]

@Lolly HSV-2 is only passed through skin-to-skin contact, so household items like towels aren’t a worry. (The herpes virus thrives in warm, moist areas and dies quickly in open air.) You’ve already taken great steps by getting new towels for your daughter, which is really thoughtful, but not entirely necessary. It’s good to be mindful, but just know you’re doing a great job. Here's an article for more on that: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/how-can-you-get-herpes

It’s also understandable to feel nervous about how your partner will handle everything. The tests aren’t perfect, but if he does get tested, you’ll both have more information to work with. For a definitive answer, he can get the Western Blot test, which costs more but is absolutely the gold standard when it comes to accurate results. It sounds like you both have a strong connection and open communication, which is a great foundation, no matter where this path leads you both. Remember, herpes doesn’t define who you are, and it seems like he recognizes your worth beyond any diagnosis. Plus, it’s fantastic that your ex had meaningful relationships after his diagnosis, showing that life and love definitely continue.

The fact that your ex had a fulfilling life post-diagnosis is encouraging. It’s sad to hear he’s no longer around, but it’s clear he left a positive impact on your life. Maybe take inspiration from that and focus on the positives you have now.

[Lolly]

Great news! He still wants me! Yay!

[mr_hopp]

Well of course he does. 😉 Enjoy!