My partner has questions

[CatsAndCrochet]

Hi, 

I was diagnosed with HSV 1+2 a few months ago, after my first outbreak.
My partner (m) and I (f) have only had protected sex with a condom since that time, and have not engaged in any foreplay, as he’s feeling nervous.

we have been together for years (I got the HSV from a threesome we had together years ago, and he didn’t get it) and he hasn’t gotten it from me - unless he’s also been lucky enough not to have an outbreak to date, but his immune system is awful so I doubt it. He hasn’t been tested.

We are hoping the forum can help answer some of his questions to help with his comfort level with sex. I’ve shared some of my research with him before but it’s a lot to process I know 

1) is it safe for him to touch my genitals when I am asymptomatic? He picks his cuticles and it’s not uncommon he has a hangnail as a result, so I’m a bit nervous about whitlow

2) what is the risk of transmission if he performs oral sex on me when I am asymptomatic?

3) what is the risk of transmission if we do not use a condom when I am asymptomatic? I am not on daily suppressants and we will want to start a family in a few years 

thanks in advance for The help!

[mr_hopp]

Hey again @CatsAndCrochet!

I know this can all feel overwhelming, so I’m glad you reached out! It’s awesome that you’re doing the research together and being mindful of each other’s health.

1. Touching your genitals when asymptomatic is certainly much lower risk, but because he has hangnails, he should be cautious. Whitlow is rare, but still possible, especially with broken skin.
2. Oral sex when you’re asymptomatic carries a very low risk as well, but not zero. Only 1-2% of HSV-2 cases are oral HSV-2, so oral is not herpes' preferred "zone" ... and if we're talking about genital HSV-1, oral sex carries even less risk of passing it than kissing someone with a history of cold sores (since genital HSV-1 sheds less frequently than oral HSV-1). 
3. Without a condom and no suppressive therapy, there’s still a small risk of transmission. For penises, their risk of getting herpes transmitted is around 4% per year with no barrier protection or medication. If you use either, it cuts that in half (2%/year); if you use both (barrier + meds) it cuts it in half again down to 1% risk of transmission per year. It’s good to discuss options like daily suppressants if you’re planning a family later. 

A great free resource if you haven't downloaded them already is the handouts that come with the ebook here (they break down all the facts and figures in an easy-to-understand way): https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Always great to have these talks with your partner and continue learning together. Super sexy! 😉