Feel like I have no romantic future

[Ariadne]

Hi, I’m new here. 
Earlier this year I found out I had genital HSV1. I had an excruciating first outbreak which I initially put down to thrush until it developed very quickly and the pain was awful with many, many sores. I was absolutely devastated when I was told the results.

I have not been with anyone in any capacity since I left my ex husband a number of years ago. He had been emotionally abusive, controlling, coercive, threatening at times, and he had been aggressive on numerous occasions but had never hit me. When our youngest was a tiny baby, he confessed to having unprotected sex with someone and also admitted he’d initiated something else when I had been heavily pregnant. He was always on porn sites and I had found him searching where to find prostitutes before going on a work trip abroad once. It was a hellish and very traumatic time which carried on post separation for a long time, but things started to ease last year and I started to feel more myself after being away from him for a number of years but I still had to see him because of our kids.

After he confessed to cheating, I immediately got myself fully tested. He told me he’d been tested and was clear. My results were clear. I felt a sense of relief.   I wasn’t tested for herpes at that time because I had no symptoms. I thought I’d been tested for everything. I was naive. The cheating initiated me leaving him. It was the final straw.
 

However, I did not recognise the signs of Herpes. Shortly after he confessed, I had one tiny painful sore. I didn’t think anything of it because it went away. I thought I’d caught myself on something. I had a second one a year or so later after I’d left him, and again didn’t think about it. It was very small. Then earlier this year, I had an excruciating attack with many, many blisters. It lasted nearly two weeks even with medication, and I felt very unwell with it. I was in agony. Thankfully, I’ve not had an outbreak since. 

When I found out I was very, very distressed. It was like my ex husband had exerted his abuse further and I am now having to live with his awful behaviour and its repercussions long term because there’s no cure. I understand HSV1 can lie dormant for many years and so pinpointing where and when it was contracted can ge impossible. I’d been in an exclusive relationship with him - or what I presumed to be - for over 20 years. I’d not had any symptoms aside from what I mention before that time, and my partners before this were short lived and used protection. I was with them over 21 years ago. My ex husband also has cold sores.

I’m now finding my new situation difficult. I would like to meet someone, but due to what happened with my ex, I have built a bit of a protective wall around me. The diagnosis has only heightened it and has made he feel very low regarding a possible relationship, like nobody will ever want me. I feel a bit hopeless and that I’ll be alone and any romantic chance i may have had, has now pretty much decreased to zero. I am in my 40s. 
 

I was going to tell my ex when I found out, but swiftly decided against it because that same day he announced he had a new partner, who he is no longer with. I am glad I didn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d hurt me further and he can’t use it against me, as he would’ve most likely done. He was like that and used to say mean things and call me names that made fun of me. He would’ve made fun of my diagnosis.   

Only a few very close friends know, along with my sister and parents. I don’t tell my story, abuse is generally not a topic of conversation, and neither is herpes. 

I love my children so much, they bring so much joy to me, and I have great job satisfaction. I’m happy in general and feel so grateful to be where I am now. I have incredible friends. I just feel trapped with my diagnosis. My resentment and anger towards my ex wavers. I’ve had a lot of counselling therapy over the last number of years, so I’ve worked to process the trauma and sit with it. But HSV1 has thrown a curve ball.

I suppose I’m writing to get a sense that there is hope. And to ask about people’s experiences when meeting a new partner, and what they said when you told them, and how they were told. 

Thank you 🙂
 
 

 

[mr_hopp]

Hey @Ariadne and welcome!

I’m really sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through. It’s a lot to process, both emotionally and physically. But I absolutely, unequivocally want you to know that there’s definitely hope! And it’s great that you’ve already taken steps toward healing by getting therapy and finding strength in your kids, work, and friends. And you know the magic that opens the door to not just hope, but a beautiful life of you overcoming not just this as a perceived liability, but other perceived liabilities, too? Being curious about it just like you're being. So many people just assume there's no hope. Then they're not open to hope existing. Therefore they stay in the dark, in the shame, in the loneliness. But not you. 😉

When it comes to dating, it’s understandable to feel scared (with or without herpes!), but you’re not alone in this. So many people live with genital HSV1 and find love and happiness. The key is having an honest conversation with a potential partner when you’re ready. It might feel daunting, but it doesn’t mean the end of relationships. You’re still you, and someone will see the amazing person you are, beyond the diagnosis. In fact, I'm of the belief that herpes can actually HELP you attract the right partner for you and weed out the rest. Not because some skin condition is some magical match-maker or anything, but it's an opportunity to enact your vulnerability, honesty, openness and courage. THAT is the huge attractor. In fact, disclosing to the woman who is now my wife brought us even closer together. It heightened the connection and trust between us. That's the magic of embracing vulnerability as a strength. Have you downloaded the free e-book on disclosure yet? That will help you in starting to turn the corner into truly seeing this as an opportunity. Here it is: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

As for the timing, HSV1 can lie dormant for years, so trying to pinpoint exactly when it happened is tricky. The most important thing is to focus on moving forward and reclaiming your life, not what your ex did.

You’ve already proven how strong and resilient you are, and just because you’ve hit this bump in the road doesn’t mean it’s the end of the journey. There’s so much ahead of you, including love and connection. You got this! 💪

[Ariadne]

Thank you for this. Could you please suggest when to bring this up with a new partner, and how to do it? I feel it should he said early because it’s not fair otherwise. It’s really difficult to consider speaking to someone about it because this person will be someone I may not know that well. I just feel like they’ll reject me and wish to be with someone who doesn’t have this diagnosis. I read one of your responses to someone else about hsv1 and the transmission rate to others and the lower shedding rate than hsv2. 

 

[mr_hopp]

Hi @Ariadne,

When do you disclose to a potential partner? When you feel that you can trust them with your vulnerability. You're right: There is a sweet spot between disclosing too early and too late. Asking yourself that question helps dial in when that sweet spot is (which will be different for each person and each situation).

Here's a whole slew o' videos that might help:

• https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/when-do-i-have-the-herpes-talk
• https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/when-to-have-the-herpes-talk
• https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-talk-to-script-or-not-to-script
• https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/the-herpes-talk-and-your-perspective
• https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/the-herpes-talk-success
• https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/vulnerability-as-strength-in-herpes-disclosure
• https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/how-to-be-fully-present-for-the-herpes-talk
• https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-and-enacting-your-values
• https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/rejection-is-a-state-of-mind

[NerdP423]

@Ariadne Your story is why I believe the CDC needs to reverse it's HSV testing guidelines. Too many people are unaware of their status. That being said, there are a lot of people with Herpes, so once your body gets a handle on the virus, at the very least you can date other people that have HSV1 ( Which is the majority of the population).

[Ariadne]

Hi, yes. I agree. If consistent testing would have been there all along, for example, when standard tests are done during early pregnancy, and then included with the other set of tests I had to sit through when he’d cheated (which was a traumatic experience to sit through with my baby in her buggy sat in front of me), I maybe would’ve been much better prepared and I could’ve been counselled through the diagnosis along with all of the other things. I could also have had some idea as to when it would’ve been passed to me. However, if I had found out after he’d cheated when I was tested for std’s, I’m not sure I would’ve been in a healthy frame of mind to navigate the news and my distress would’ve accentuated my trauma responses during separated and divorce even further. Several years on, I’ve been through a lot of counselling and better capable, but it’s triggering and has impacted me when I felt I was at the stage to take baby steps to move on. 
I think delivering the news to someone is the hard part. I know there are fantastic resources out there to support with this, but it’s still a hard to know how to do it and what the response will be.
Just a note, the way in which the news was told to me by the doctor could’ve been better handled. The diagnosis was given and then that was it.  
 

[mr_hopp]

Hey @NerdP423 and @Ariadne!

You’re absolutely right to feel frustrated with the way herpes testing is handled. If the CDC had better testing guidelines, way more people would be aware of their status earlier. That lack of clarity can leave folks like you feeling blindsided.

But I also want to say: you’re not alone in this. Once you have a handle on the virus (and I mean emotionally too), dating is absolutely still on the table. Disclosing might feel overwhelming, but it’s all about trust and finding someone who accepts every part of you. And that's not as hard as it may seem. So many people are looking for authenticity and trust in these days of so much fake in the dating game ... disclosure is like opening the door to being real, which can feel like a breath of fresh air to many. 

And @Ariadne, you’re strong for navigating through this! It might feel scary to share with a new partner, but it can also be the thing that builds deeper connection and trust. It’s not the end of romance, but a new chapter where you get to be real and honest. And that vulnerability? It’s what will attract the right person who sees all of you.