Need help

[Csmith10]

I am a female in my early 20s and have always been very aware of the herpes virus & even made sure to be tested outside of the basic std panel after every partner. I was so paranoid I even got swabbed right before I met my boyfriend (all negative) because I saw the smallest little thing. (Hence why I know I got it from my recent partner) I knew my immune system wasn’t that great either because I have crohns.  After dating my boyfriend for a while, we saw small bumps on his penis. I said “that looks like herpes and I will not have unprotected sex until he gets tested.” He was so sure he didn’t have it because he asked for a full STD test too after his last partner. He kept pressuring me and laughing for days saying theres no way because the lab blood tests were negative. I trusted him because he seriously believed it too. But based on lack of education on herpes I didn’t know that antibodies take time to show up because I’m assuming his previous partner gave it to him about 4 months before dating me.  So his results were false negative. I then contracted the virus after feeling like I did everything “right.” I had a very traumatizing first outbreak (that I’m still mentally getting over) and I now have frequent symptoms. Unlike my boyfriend who gets symptoms maybe 2-3 times a year. I just feel angry because he should have cared enough to go to a physician rather than spending the time convincing me he didn’t have it. I know it’s my fault too of course but I still feel resentment. I was perfectly healthy but now I have to take pills every day because of this, feel discomfort and it’s on my mind all the time. Plus I was really in touch with my sexuality now I hate having sex (because it can cause an outbreak for me and I just don’t feel in touch with my body anymore) All because I trusted him and his word. He’s been really supportive though and feels really awful and guilty. I got it from him a year into dating and we’ll be going on 2 years. What do I do? Am I a bad person? Will this resentment ever go away? 

[mr_hopp]

@Csmith10 — It’s completely normal to feel the anger and resentment you’re experiencing. You did your best, taking extra precautions, and it’s frustrating to end up in this situation despite everything. Resentment is kind of like a splinter — you might not notice it at first, but the longer it sits, the more it festers, becoming more painful until you deal with it. And the more you poke at it, the worse it feels. The resentment isn’t about being a bad person at all — it’s about feeling hurt and violated because trust and health were compromised. Your boyfriend’s support is a good start, but healing takes time. It helps to talk it out and work through the resentment by talking with him and a counselor/therapist/coach (FYI, I offer coaching). Over time, with open communication and self-compassion, these feelings can soften, but it will take your active involvement in reframing your own thoughts and beliefs about this. 

Also, know that the physical symptoms you're experiencing now will most likely dissipate with time, too. Most people feel more symptoms within the first year of having herpes before the body really has a good enough hold on suppressing the virus itself (daily suppressive therapy will help to keep things at bay, too). So make sure you don't dig a hole for yourself assuming how you are feeling now (both emotionally and physically) is how you will always feel. With time, it does all get better. 

[TwoWitsEnd]

@Csmith10 U did nothing wrong. If anything, he should have stepped up to the plate and gone in for a culture swab himself. I am sorry he pressured you. You pointed out the weakness on the IGG, it sadly can take up to 6 months for some folks to show positive on IGG. I do not know why there is not a newer IGG test that can detect it sooner, as I know with HIV, they have newer ones that are more sensitive. 

You make an incredibly valid point, and I wish they had newer HSV IGG tests that were definitive after a couple months. 

[mr_hopp]

On 9/22/2024 at 1:15 PM, TwoWitsEnd said:

it sadly can take up to 6 months for some folks to show positive on IGG

Actually it's 16 weeks (4 months), but yes, it's still way too long to have to wait to get any definitive result on whether or not you have herpes. Quite the waiting game ...