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I'm + for GHSV2; Partner wants unprotected sex


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Posted

I am 45(F) and was diagnosed with GHSV2 in Feb 2019 via swab/blood test during an active outbreak.  Since that time I've had 1 committed, sexual relationship that ended after 3 years and that partner never exhibited symptoms (I do realize that doesn't mean he did not contract the virus).  He and I used protection early in our relationship, but then did not after we were certain that we wanted to be exclusive and committed.

I take 500mg valacyclovir daily for suppression therapy and I have not had any outbreak lesions since a second outbreak in 2019, although I do have the occasional prodrome, tingling sensation.  My initial outbreak was "mild" by my GYN physician's definition, with 1 small lesion toward the bottom edge of my labia minora.  It was the same with my second outbreak.

I began a new relationship this year, but it is long distance, so we've only seen each other in-person 3 times this year.  I disclosed to him in February and he initially had a very adverse reaction to it.  But after doing his own research and talking to me further, he decided that I meant more to him that my diagnosis and we've been great ever since.  We had protected sex in July and he has not had any symptoms.  He will be visiting next week and has said that he wants to be intimate without protection and that he wants to perform oral sex on me.  I am nervous about this.  I care about him very much and I want to keep him safe.  I told him that I need him to be absolutely sure and accepting of the risk, and he assures me that he is.  I worry, though, that IF he does contract the virus, he will hate me.  I don't know what to do.  I want to be with him and would love to experience oral sex with him, but I'm scared.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  🙏🏻  Thank you.

Posted

@louloukj — I totally get why you’re feeling so torn about this. On the one hand, you want to keep him safe and protect your relationship, but on the other, you also want to share intimacy with someone who truly understands and accepts you. It’s awesome he’s done his research and is being supportive, but it’s good to double-check he fully gets the risks—no need to rush it if you’re not feeling 100% sure.

Maybe ask him how he’d feel if he did contract it, just to open the conversation even more. And also, if he is a grown-ass man (not all men are, so it's a consideration for sure), then he can make his own decisions about his own risk tolerance. Trust your gut on this!

And if you do decide to have sex without protection, it's super important to let go of any paranoia that might want to creep in at any point. Paranoia gets you in your head and disconnects; so instead of paranoia, access your care. That includes being aware of any potential prodrome symptoms or if anything feels "off" and communicating openly about things without shame, remaining curious. That is being careful instead of paranoid. Care-full. Caring about him and his health connects you to your heart, it connects you to each other. And what better perspective than that when it comes to proper love-making and hot sex? 😉 Enjoy!

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Posted

@mr_hopp Thank you so much for your reply.  I greatly appreciate your encouragement and the work that you do for this community.  

I will be sure to have an open and frank discussion with him before he arrives next week.  I certainly don't want to wait until he gets here and risk completely ruining the romantic vibe. 🔥 He is definitely a "grown-ass man" and takes his own health very seriously, so I'm hopeful that he truly has weighed the risks and consequences (and let's not forget the benefits 😜)  of this decision.  

On another note, if someone wants to test without symptoms, what is the current recommendation?  Or is testing without symptoms discouraged?  

Again, thanks for all you do here.  🙏🏻

Posted

Thanks for your kind words, @louloukj! I’m glad the advice helped, and it sounds like you’re approaching this the right way—open communication is key, and it’s great that he’s taking it seriously too.

As for testing without symptoms, absolutely! After all, 80% of people who have herpes don't know they have it! Also, 20% of all people who do have herpes never have any signs or symptoms, but can still transmit it via asymptomatic shedding. So people need to get tested regularly to get that important data point. Knowledge is power. The IgG blood test can detect antibodies after 16 weeks of exposure, though it’s important to remember that false negatives or positives can occur, especially if it’s early. The gold standard blood test is the Western Blot with sensitivity and specificity exceeding 99% in most cases, meaning it can reliably identify both positive and negative cases with very few false positives or negatives.

Let me know how it goes, and feel free to reach out if you need more support!

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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