Just found out, and incredibly depressed

[Worthy]

Hi, 

I am posting what's happened to me both to get it out and help me process, as well as maybe hoping to find a way to not feel quite so alone and hopeless. My best friend recommended finding a group and reaching out rather than wallowing in my grief, and I'm hoping she's right that this will help me.

I was diagnosed on Monday. I had genital lesions that were really bothering me, but I had no idea what they were. I was in a new, but committed relationship with someone who had been my best friend for ten years - he'd pursued me for a decade, and we'd grown very close, but only recently decided to take things to the next level. I trusted him completely. 

When I got diagnosed, I was devastated. I called him immediately. I told him I had no idea how I'd gotten it, and that if I'd given it to him, I was sorry. It didn't even occur to me at the time that I could have gotten it from him, though that's certainly occurred to me since. He insisted that he was clean, as he'd only had two sexual partners before me. I'd been tested before a previous relationship and was STI-free, and so I've limited the possibilities of where I'd gotten it down to two - him, and one other man. I thought I'd been careful, both were friends, and I trusted both men when they told me they were completely healthy. The other man was months ago - back in Feb/March - and he told me he'd been celibate for a few years before me, and had previously been given a clean bill of health. I don't know for sure if this is true, but I didn't have any reason to distrust him at the time.

Anyway, I told my boyfriend, and when I asked, he said that he'd have to think about whether he wanted to continue in a relationship with me. This hurt me deeply - I told him that, if he wanted to break up because of this diagnosis, it felt that my only value to him was sexual. That I had nothing else to offer. I told him how much that hurt me, and that, if he loved me as much as he claimed, we should be able to work through this. I told him I needed his support as a friend as well as a boyfriend, and he said he understood and apologized for treating me that way. However, the next day, he once again said that he didn't think that he could be in a relationship with me knowing that I had herpes, even if there were safer ways to manage sex with the condition and even if he wasn't sure yet if he had it (waiting on a test), and he admitted that he wouldn't have ended things if I didn't have herpes. He told me he wanted to just be friends again. I told him that I couldn't be friends with someone who would throw a relationship with me away for this, especially given that it could, potentially, have been passed to me by him. He acknowledged that there was a possibility that he carried it and didn't know, but still felt that I must have given it to him rather than the other way around. He wasn't angry, just scared and apologetic... but it made me very upset. 

I feel hurt... so hurt. He had been my best and closest friend for ten years, and now it's all over. 

I'm reeling from the diagnosis just as much as the loss. I struggle with low self-worth to begin with, but I feel like I don't have much else to offer in a relationship. My daughter (19) tells me that I've got the most terrible taste in men. My father used to tell me that I'd never find anyone stupid enough to want to be in a relationship with me, and it feels like both of them told me the truth... especially now. Who would want to be in a relationship with me now? I feel like I'm disgusting, diseased, and that everyone around me somehow must know it. I feel like I'm always going to be alone, because if my best friend who chased me for ten years doesn't want me because I have herpes, who else ever would? I have a high libido and love sex, but in this moment, I feel like I'm never going to be able to enjoy sex again, knowing that there's always going to be a chance I'll infect my partner. 

I struggle with depression... I always have... but it's spiking these days. I feel like I have nothing left to live for (there are a lot of other negative things going on right now, too - it's been a very overwhelmingly bad year) and that there's no light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like suicide is the best option, and I'm scared that my mind keeps going there. I feel like things are never going to get better and that this is the end of the world. 

Please tell me that it isn't? Please give me hope?

[mr_hopp]

Hey there, @Worthy (I hope you don't mind I took off the "un" part from your screen name ... It just doesn't fit you.) 

First, I want to say I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. This diagnosis, combined with losing someone who was such a big part of your life, would be overwhelming for anyone. But I also want to tell you, with absolute certainty, this is not the end of your world. It’s a huge shift, yes. But it’s not the end. You’ve already done something really brave by reaching out here, and that’s a big step toward healing and finding hope.

So let’s take this point by point, one step at a time, shall we? 

1. Your Diagnosis

Herpes feels so heavy right now, but I promise, it’s just a part of your story—not the whole thing. It doesn’t define your worth or your ability to love and be loved. Millions of people have herpes (whether they know it or not), and they go on to have fulfilling relationships, great sex, and full lives. The stigma is real, but it’s based on misconceptions, not truth. Herpes is a skin condition caused by a super common virus — not a reflection of who you are as a person. One of the best ways to buck the stigma is to get really clear on the facts. Once you know the facts, then the false fears can start to fade. It's in the unknown that the monster lurks. In reality, it's not the monster you might assume it is from this vantage point. So download the ebook and handouts if you haven't already so you can start with the facts: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

And be careful about the words you use to label yourself. You don't need to take on any negative judgment (by you or others). They aren't true unless you accept them as true. So slow down and make more deliberate decisions. Have you seen this TED Talk on the power of words? She's has a different situation than us, yes, but her truth is there for all of us. Let her words sink in ... 

 

2. The Relationship

I know it’s heartbreaking that someone you trusted for so long is struggling to accept your diagnosis. It’s painful, especially because it sounds like you put your heart into explaining and being vulnerable. But someone who lets fear overtake their love for you might not be the partner you need in the long run. I know that doesn’t make it hurt less right now, but it does mean that this doesn’t define your future relationships.

His reaction isn’t a reflection of your worth (you're @Worthy after all, remember?). It’s his own fears and limitations. You deserve someone who sees your value as a whole person, not someone who gets stuck on a diagnosis. You have so much more to offer than just your sexual health.

3. The Hopelessness

I hear how much pain you’re in, and I want to say this: You are not alone. You’re not broken. You’re grieving — a diagnosis, a relationship, an identity — a sense of who you thought you were and what life was going to look like. That’s real, and it’s heavy, but it’s something you can get through. Depression can make it feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, but I promise, there is. You’ve already taken such an important step by sharing your feelings. That's huge and not to be discounted! Now focus on that Phoenix who is readying to rise from those ashes of what was.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional or a trusted friend if the thoughts of suicide get louder. There are good people who want to help you through this. I also offer one-on-one coaching you can book here: https://calendly.com/adrial/25

You’re worthy of support and love, even when it feels impossible to believe it.

4. Moving Forward

This is going to take time, but you’ll get there. Start small. Give yourself space to grieve what you’ve lost, but also look for moments to remind yourself of your strength. You’ve been through so much already, and you’re still here. That says something about your resilience.

It’s okay to feel scared and upset, but don’t let herpes steal your power. It’s a manageable condition, not a life sentence. You’ll find your rhythm, your confidence, and eventually, someone who sees the whole you and embraces it fully.

And one last thing — your daughter is rooting for you! She sees your worth, even when you don’t. That love and belief in you is something to hold onto as you work through this. That is so precious.

You’ve got this. It’s hard, but you’re not alone. We’re all here with you.

Sending you so much strength and hope. ❤️

[abbey road]

I am so sorry, @Worthy. I'm in the same situation as you. 

I was told by my GYN that the definitive test for genital herpes is a swab of the lesion itself so unfortunately, getting tested for STIs prior to a new relationship may be inconclusive for herpes. 

The shocking thing for me is that 20 years had passed between my diagnosis and the last man I was with (I was celibate for this time period), and there were a number of years between this man and the last relationship before him (which was monogamous and had lasted several years). I have no reason to suspect that person. The man I suspect gave it to me had used a condom. I tried to contact him but was unsuccessful in finding him.

Fast forward...around the time of my diagnosis, I dated a man and disclosed my herpes to him. He was very cautious about it and had ED problems when we tried to have PVI with a condom. He blamed the ED on my herpes. He wanted oral all the time. I ended the relationship as there were other more serious issues involved. 

I decided not to try again and I'm pretty much resigned to being celibate for the rest of my life. I don't want sex if it's going to be a lifetime of condoms and oral sex and other "work arounds" to avoid normal PVI. If I were in a man's shoes, no, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who has herpes. So why would I expect a man to overlook it to have sex with me when he can find any number of available women who don't have it?

There is no magic wand for us. People mean well when they try to help us think more positively but at the end of the day, it's kind of window washing. Most people out there do not want anything to do with people who have herpes.

 

[mr_hopp]

Hey @abbey road,

First, I want to thank you for being so open about your story. I know that wasn’t easy, and I can feel the frustration and pain in your words. I also want to circle back to something you mentioned in your application — wanting to help others who are struggling to feel less alone. That’s huge. Just sharing your story is already doing that. Finding someone who understands is so powerful and meaningful.

Now, let’s dig into this “no magic wand” belief. You’re absolutely right that herpes brings its own challenges. I suffered with them myself for too many years when I first got herpes after my then-girlfriend cheated on me with her ex over Christmas break. I certainly was holding onto the belief that my life was over. But I’d challenge the idea that people out there won’t want anything to do with us because of herpes. Is it everyone? No. But you’re not looking for everyone. You’re looking for the right ones — the people who don’t see herpes as a dealbreaker but as one tiny facet of the amazing person you are. 

Beliefs play a massive role here. This isn’t about some “fluff positivity” or ignoring the hard stuff by putting on rose-colored glasses. It’s about deciding what’s possible for you. The Henry Ford quote is so fitting here: “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” If you believe no one will accept you, that belief can shape how you approach connection — and even how others respond. But if you believe there’s a chance for love and acceptance, you’ll keep that door open, even if it’s just a crack for now.

Sure, there are people who might say no (whether or not we have herpes, by the way!). But there are also people who will surprise you with their openness. And those people — the ones who see you, not just the diagnosis — are worth holding space for.

When you’re in a support forum like this, it’s important to ask, “What are we supporting — giving up or generating hope?” You deserve hope. You deserve the possibility of love, connection, and intimacy, on your terms.

The truth is, the narrative you choose to believe about yourself and your diagnosis can shape the opportunities you create. You’re not alone in this, and there’s a path forward if you allow yourself to believe it exists.

Sending strength n hope n hugs ...