He fingered me before I disclosed. Did I ruin it by not telling him? I’m worried I could have transferred it to him.

[Bbggbest]

I’ve had HSV2 for 20 years. I havent had outbreaks that I know of for many many years. 
I’ve been putting off even kissing this guy I like so much because I wanted to disclose to him first. Last night I messed up, it moved so fast. He ended up briefly fingering me and I didn’t have the courage to say anything. 
Do you think I ruined it? He will feel betrayed now if and when I disclose? And what if I’m shedding and somehow I transferred it to him??

I thought I was stronger. I’m very disappointed in myself. I didn’t want to let him down by halting the situation, but I ended up letting him down in a bigger way. Life is hard. This stuff hurts deep. 

[mr_hopp]

Hi @Bbggbest

First off, take a deep breath. You’re being so hard on yourself right now, and I get it—it’s easy to let guilt and disappointment spiral. But let’s put this into perspective. You didn’t ruin anything; you’re human. And part of being human is navigating complex, emotional situations like this one, sometimes imperfectly.

From what you shared, the risk of transmission in this scenario is incredibly low, especially since you haven’t had outbreaks in years. Shedding rates for HSV2 tend to be significantly reduced over time, especially if you’re on antivirals or just naturally not prone to outbreaks. Plus, genital-to-genital or mouth-to-genital contact is usually the primary way herpes spreads—not through fingering. So, medically speaking, you’re likely in the clear here.

Now, about the disclosure—yes, it’s going to be a vulnerable conversation, but it’s not a dealbreaker unless you make it one in your own head. People respond to disclosure not just based on what you say but how you say it. If you approach it with honesty and a sense of self-compassion, it will come across as an act of trust, not betrayal. Try framing it as, “I like you, and because of that, I want to share something important with you.” This shifts the focus from “I feel bad I didn’t tell you” to “I care enough about us to be open now.” Check out all my videos on disclosure here to help you get in the right perspective: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/tag/the-herpes-talk

And let’s unpack this fear of “letting him down.” It sounds like you were caught in that moment of not wanting to risk rejection by stopping things, but the truth is, halting the situation wouldn’t have been letting him down either. It would’ve been an act of self-respect and courage—just like disclosing now will be.

You’re not defined by one moment. The fact that you care so deeply about how this affects him shows what kind of person you are. Life is hard, but it’s also full of opportunities to grow and repair when things don’t go perfectly. You’re stronger than you think because you’re showing up here, owning your feelings, and seeking support. That’s strength.

Be gentle with yourself. You’ve got this, and whatever happens, you’re learning and growing in the process. 💛

[Bbggbest]

🥹thank you for all of this. You help so many people, Gob bless you.