Massively shamed and accused over a cold sore on X mas Day.

[pecan]

So, I have a really hard time from november through december and holidays and such during that time.

I have pretty awful complex trauma from bad stuff growing up and I really have not been okay for a long time, maybe ever.

I have had almost 2 months of cold sore after cold sore because of stress and anxiety and depression. Depression as in shower once a week maybe every 10 days, sleep in my clothes and wear them day after day, as well as a lot of SI.

And I have been dealing with other bad things that happened in my life lately and a really terrible loss from a couple months ago that would truly disturb anyone.

And a ton of medical stress. A TON- I just finished 16 dr appointments in  about 2 months. All of fall, which I usually try and for once enjoy- this season was a complete and totally stressed out shitshow..... Absolutely miserable, and then straight into the holidays.

I really don't know if it is true, but I have been diagnosed with complex ptsd several times. All this to illustrate where I am.

 

I had been hanging out with a new pal for about a month maybe, we ate lunches together and talked and just hung out and nothing physcial. He has made it clear that he is attracted to me however I do not feel the same.

I have as I mentioned I have had cold sores for weeks and weeks now from all the stress and depression and also I rarely sleep properly- from again, anxiety and depression and stress.

I told him that I had them, when they were present. We never shared anything like utensils or drinks or food, but we did eat together.

 

Now on Christamas day I was having an absolutely terrrible, depressing time. Alone, depressed and a serious SI. Oh  and therapist gone for most of December.

My new pal was aware that I was having a terrible time. His advice wa sbasically "buck up". Yes, that is always effective for a person living with complex trauma.... of course, what was I thinking?

 

So here is verbatim the series of texts I later get from this 43 year old man, later that evening when I am finally relaxing with another friend who I was looking forward to seeing and finally feeling a tiny bit better because he has good energy.

 

" Hey buddy, I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but I believe that I've contracted oral herpes. I can only assume that it's from in close contact to you while you had an active outbreak. Evidently, it's extremely contagious,.

This is utterly devastating for me

I'm not certain, but fairly certain that's it

I will go to doctor tomorrow if possible

I have never in my life had coldsores or any other STD 

So I am a total wreck right now

And I don't know what to tell my family

I am usually extremely caustiouis but I let my guard down this time

I should have known better

I don't even want to go home right now

Anyway I just needed to you to know. I'm not mad at you or even blaming you, because I have no idea how this happened honestly.

But I'm just terrified about how my partner is going to react.

She'll probably leave me

Fuck my life

I'm mostly worried about my kids.

But that's it

I'm sorry for bombarding you with this"

 

.................

 

So, yeaaaahhhhhh we NEVER kissed or shared naything, add to that the fact that EVERYONE who knows me knows that I LITERALLY NEVER EVER share anything wirth anyone EVER not even close dear friends for many years- also add to that how absolutely paranoid I am about mny cold sores and how disgusting I feel even though I KNOW that 50-80 percent of humans have the hsv1 oral virus yet only 30 percent are symptomatic and that most people are just totally convinced they don't have it because they've never had a cold sore yet they ARE carriers.

I go around telling EVERYONE "Stay away fromn me I have a  cold sore" when I have one.'

I don't even know how to deal with this, I am completely destroyed at this point with all of the other things I have to live with and deal with.

The accusations, the teling me I infected him with an "STD" which it's NOT- I have it orally and yeah I ma aware that if I god owno n womeonthey can then get it geniatlly but I am PRETTY SURE the cold sores I have had since I was a CHILD are NOT AN STD.

Alsot he CORRECT TERM is "STI".

 

I CANNOT DEAL with this.

 

This man accused me of infecting him, and destroying him, his relationship and his children because I was in his preswencve with a cold sore.

 

I am mentally destroyed and comptelely, absolutely pushed beyond what I can handle anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[pecan]

Feeling horrible and zero support.

[mr_hopp]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this — especially during the holidays when things are already hard. It’s a lot, and I can see why this situation feels like the last straw on top of everything else.

As you know, HSV-1 is ridiculously common — the vast majority of the population has it, and most people don’t even know because they never get cold sores. You’ve been super responsible, telling people when you have a cold sore, making sure to keep your distance, and being clear about your boundaries. That’s above and beyond what most people with HSV-1 do. The idea that he could have gotten it just by being in the same room as you or eating near you is completely bonkers. That’s just not how it works.

This guy’s reaction? It’s all about his own fear and misunderstanding. Honestly, it sounds like he’s projecting his anxiety onto you because he doesn’t know how to deal with whatever he’s experiencing. And let’s be real — he doesn’t even know for sure that he has HSV-1. People jump to conclusions when they’re scared, and instead of taking responsibility for his feelings, he’s unloading all of this on you. That’s effed up.

Here’s the deal: You didn’t infect him. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your responsibility to manage his panic or his relationship issues. Those are his to deal with, not yours. If you feel like it, you could share some resources with him — like the handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook — to set the record straight about how HSV-1 is actually transmitted. But honestly? That’s optional. You’ve already been more than responsible, and his freakout isn’t your problem to solve.

What really matters here is you. You’ve been through so much already, and I can hear how exhausted you are. This guy’s accusations don’t define you, and they sure don’t reflect reality. Be kind to yourself right now. Maybe take a break from this person altogether if it’s what you need to protect your peace. You’ve got enough on your plate without carrying his misplaced blame.

Lean on whatever support you can — friends, a therapist, or if you'd like to connect with me, here's my availability: https://calendly.com/adrial/25

You don’t have to handle all of this alone. You’re doing your best in a tough situation, and that’s more than enough. Hang in there. ❤️