Late disclosure

[Jane54321]

Hi. I have had herpes for around 18 years. I separated from my partner of 20 years around 18 months ago. I met someone new and made the very bad decision to not disclose to him that I had herpes. We have been together for nearly a year and have been having unprotected sex. I told him a couple of weeks ago and he’s understandably upset that I lied and is trying to come to terms with what having an intimate relationship with me looks like. I’ve started taking antivirals, we’ve said we’ll use condoms, but he knows nothing is 100% effective. I feel so ashamed, dirty, and sad. I’m not sure he’ll ever forgive me. I don’t know why I lied for so long. Does anyone have a similar experience and can give me hope?? 
Thanks 

[mr_hopp]

Hey @Jane54321 and welcome.

I’ll tell you something: you’re not alone. Many people have been in similar situations, and while it feels heavy now, it’s not the end of the story. 

It sounds like you’ve taken a big step by telling him, even though it took time. That shows courage, even if it feels messy. Relationships can survive mistakes — especially when both people are willing to communicate and work through them. And especially when you’re willing to learn and grow from the experience. 

Right now, it’s about rebuilding trust. Be patient with him and with yourself. Let him feel what he’s feeling, but also give yourself grace. You’re not “dirty” or unworthy because of this. You’re human, and humans make mistakes. What matters is how you move forward from here.

Taking antivirals, using condoms, and being honest about your efforts to protect him are all steps in the right direction. If he sees that you’re committed to his well-being and the relationship, there’s hope. These conversations aren’t easy, but they can bring you closer in the long run.

You’re not defined by your diagnosis or by this moment. Give it time, and be kind to yourself as you navigate this. You’ve got this.

And let me know if you’d like some one-on-one support. I’m here for you if so.