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How to disclose herpes? Phone/text or in person?


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Meeting in person? over the phone? or by text?

 

I found out I had herpes approx a yr ago and came to terms with it fairly quickly as I process quickly.

I've only disclosed once before and was rejected, I was sad but not heartbroken as he was younger

and I knew long term things probably wouldn't have worked because of the age difference. Really no biggie.

 

I've now met someone new, I like him but I'm not head over heels, we seem to have a lot in common, well things have progressed and I've already slept with him (protected of course) as it was one of those in the moment situations after a few drinks. I don't feel terrible I'm actually feeling pretty neutral about it but I would like to disclose to him fairly quickly.

 

I read one of the threads on here about disclosing in a personal place (your home etc) or a neutral place? and it seemed like everyone has their own personal preference?

The last time I disclosed it came up in a text conversation and he asked the std question, I was thankful it was by text and told him I wanted to tell him in person, he then said he was thankful it was by text as well as he would have felt uncomfortable in person.

 

Is text a terrible way to disclose? My feeling is it gives the person space and processing time and I guess the convenience of never having to face you again (if that's what they want?) Is it too easy of a way out?

 

What do you think?

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I have a huge personal preference for in person. Why? Because the conversation is intimate. The fact that you want to have sex with this person is intimate. They go hand in hand. Would you tell someone you love them for the first time via text? Vulnerability is meant to be face to face. And I totally hear your fear, too. It's a fear of facing vulnerability. But that's where all the beauty is, too! Being vulnerable with someone else is all at the same time super scary and has a huge potential of being deeply connecting on the other side of it. Intimacy by its very nature is uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to feel a lot of emotions, whether we label them "good" or "bad" emotions — all of them can feel overwhelming! So when we are disclosing, those worries or negative emotions can come up if we let them. Or we can focus on all the reasons why we're disclosing to this person to begin with and let the fears be set off to the side. The fear of being rejected isn't why you're disclosing to this person. You're disclosing to them because you care about them and because you want to take the relationship deeper. That kind of intimacy, in my eyes, deserves to be face to face.

 

P.S. Have you read the e-book yet? That goes into a good amount of detail around this perspective shift. :) Here it is to download: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

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I'm new to this thing but over this week i actually did disclose to this guy via txt message. Its really the only guy whose opinion mattered to me. We've been friends for a few years and always kinda flirted and stuff but never slept together. well found out i had hsv few months ago and i havnt been flirting with him and he's been notiximg I've been withdrawing from anything flirty.. I'm just not as brave as some people on this forum. I'm a big scardy cat haha. anyway i told him that old tired ass line it wasn't h it was me lol only with this guy it was the freaking truth lmao. He txted back he was there for me and if i needed to talk he was there. So to make a long conversation short he told me this didn't change his opinion of me and we were still friends. He also had a lot of questions about what herpes really is. He even flirted a lil bit via txt message after the convo was all done although i feel it was more to make me feel better about the situation than anything. Anyhow i told the guy that mattered most and who i really wanted. I don't think it will ever be a sexual thing however he didn't flip out and act insane like I've read about in some of the horror stories I've read about disclosures. And on top of it i have another friend that tottly gets me now and why i get so down on myself sometimes. Someone that's helpful and supports me. I agree with the others that posted thougb do it in person if u can and best of luck. Hope my experience this week has helped ease some of ur anxieties :)

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right!! you said what I was thinking lol just 2 million times better. when I told the guy I really like (who we believe has it and is going to the doc very soon) abt it, like I said before was over text and in a way I felt like he thought I wasn't that effected by what transpired but the next day we had a face to face and he seen how I really felt abt what happened and in the end was comforting me. it was beautiful and scary and needed in healing.

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I did it...I disclosed....I was nervous....I kept talking ...blurting out stats

I kept looking for some type of expression from him....he didn't even bat an eye...

when I stopped talking he said...

"I'm processing but I have a question..." ..."have you had an ob lately?" and I answered

not for about 3 mths... he asked a few more questions....

I then said I wanted him to know before things progressed further....he thanked me for telling him....then he kissed me...and said "I won't get to see you again until my next day off...next weekend."

 

My heart danced..

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Nice work. I'm proud of you for feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Integrity wins out again! Are you glad you disclosed in person instead of via text/phone?

 

P.S. I officially moved this discussion into the "herpes talk success stories" category. ;)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Aimee,

You mentioned you had already had sex with this guy before. Was he not angry about you not disclosing earlier?

 

I only ask because I'm in the exact same situation right now: we've been on a few dates and had sex one night after some drinks (with protection of course). He is coming over for dinner this weekend, and I want to disclose to him so our relationship can continue to grow without lies and omissions. I feel very guilty about not telling him a few months ago when we first had sex, and now I feel as though he will be angry at me for not disclosing right away.

 

Any advice would be wonderful!

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Ingj:

 

I did that once - had sex once with a condom and then told him. Lets just say the freak-out-athon lasted about a month and it wasn't pretty. He did eventually calm down ... his Dr read him the riot act for not asking about STD status before sex which caused him to acknowledge his part in it...but that didn't make it "right" for me to not tell him.

 

That was before I knew as much detail as I know now as well - I figured the condom made it safe... when in fact I could have been shedding outside that area. We did end up together for 3 years but it was really touch and go for awhile and not something I want to go through again... :(

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Disclosing is very important. I have it because my ex knew he has oral and genital herpes for years. He didn't not tell me he has it till a month ago. That is 8 months after we split when I started having issues. I even dated someone in the 8 months since we had split!!!

It has devastated my life. He took my right to make a choice, to make an informed and educated decision. Because my state has criminal laws against it, he and I are going to court.

there are not enough words to describe how angry, hurt, devastated I am about having this but getting in the manner I have is unbearable and unfair. If he didn't know he had it, that would be a different story.I wish all the best when yall disclose. I hope that is goes the way yally'all would like it. There is the jjust of my story for a different perspective.

Sharing with one another should lead to understanding and growthBTW , my 1st name is Aimee as well

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lngj0444:

 

He didn't freak out, he wasn't angry, sleeping with him before I disclosed to him was not something I had planned It was just one of those heat in the moment situations and yes we were totally wasted and it wasn't thought out on my part but we did use a condom. I knew the next day I had to disclose to him right away and I didn't know what that was going to look like as it could have gone either way? After I told him he was calm, it took him a bit to process but even the next day I thought he was going to bolt? never talk to me again? and a million other things? I just wasn't sure what to expect?

But nope, none of the above. I sent him him the discloser handout the next day and waited....he texted me and our conversations continued we've gone out a few times and he's been spending weekends at my place...I was teasing him the other night saying "you must like me you keep coming back?" he said "you must like ME, you keep opening the door!" :-)

 

I can't tell you what the future will hold for us but so far he's been amazing and we're just taking things one day at a time.

Honestly I wanted to tell him before I sept with him but it happened the way it did and I think him being the type of person he is nothing would have changed had I told him before .... But had I waited longer and kept on sleeping with him without disclosing I could see things turning out much different.

 

When I disclosed and was waiting for his response I said "you now know my deepest darkest secret and there is nothing I would ever hide from you" Everything now is based on honesty, if I have a deep question he answers honestly, as I do the same. I have never in my life experienced anything like this with anyone on this level. He sees me for who I am Herpes and all and still wants to be with me. He is sincere and genuine unlike the guys I used to meet who just wanted to sleep with me.

 

The guy I got HSV2 from a year ago didn't tell me and he took away my right to choose. Then after my anger subsided and I stopped blaming and regained my self worth with self love I promised myself I would always disclose or be single, at the time it felt like the worst thing I've ever had to do but I chose to disclose.

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