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WCSDancer2010

I'm Out of the Herpes Closet!

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So a quick update on my dating endeavors:

 

I am striking out on connecting, but I thought I would post a few of the comments that I have had from guys who I have had some conversations with... a few who are still in the early talks as well as some who just didn't make a connection. But I'm so touched by their words.... it shows me yet again that there are many, MANY people out there who will honor transparency, vulnerability, and integrity over a crappy virus.

 

"I appreciate your full disclosure - it is unusual integrity in this meat market..... "

 

I applaud your courage in your last paragraph. I must say being in a monogamous relationship for 25 plus years has kept me a bit in the dark. I know you are on a quest to educate, and I know I could use a lesson.

 

Yes I get it with STDs, especially HPV, several years ago I nearly died from a fast growing tumor on my neck, after emergency surgery, chemo, radiation and all the hell associated with it the best guess doctors had was oral sex with a past partner and she had HPV. This act of sex is the number one way for men to contract HPV from a female partner and it typically appears in the mouth, neck or throat. Not that I want to talk about all this with a lovely woman I've just met, but you addressed it, I get it and shared my experience.

 

I like your honesty. Unfortunately many people are not honest.

 

Hi Your honesty is totally refreshing. ...... Thanks for sharing your info about STDs I wish there were more woman as honest as you are here. You deserve the best don't settle for less (sounds like you won't )

 

HERPES..... HOW DOES THAT WORK AS FAR AS TRANSMISSION DURING INTIMACY? ......I sent an explanation .... YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR!!

:) THE INFO YOU'VE PASSED ALONG IS BOTH EYE OPENING AND INFORMATIVE!!

YOU'RE SUCH A DESIRABLE WOMAN! GORGEOUS AND INTELLIGENT!!!!!!!!

YES!! I AM FROM THE CAMP WHERE BRAINS ARE SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXY!!!!!

 

I read through most of your profile but I got the important parts. I really respect your full disclosure, it's...ballsy. I too have HSV and I'm not sure I could ever put it on a profile. It's true, though, that the talk is such a drag.

 

So, there you have it... there were a few other that either talked to me (so I don't have a record) about it or I deleted the conversation ... some just went nowhere fast and I didn't think to save what they said....

 

The point is, there ARE many people out there who are willing to get to know us AND our "little friend". To those of you who are convinced noone will love you, and that you have to avoid dating, believe me, you CAN make connections with H- men/women. If I can do it with complete disclosure on my profiles, (and I live in the sticks so it's hard to meet people anyway ) you can do it too.

 

Peace

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Sooooo.... update again..

 

I was contacted a few days ago by a guy who seems to be really into me and things are going well. This is what he wrote in his first contact:

 

Hello, with all that I read. I am glad you are upfront with your condition. I dated someone with HPV and it wasn't a big deal. Why? because she came out and told me day one of us talking. So, I think that is very commendable for you to do.

 

A few days later we were talking about how Dr's just don't seem to care about how a patient feels when they get a diagnosis and I mentioned the issues with Dr's being so blase about Herpes when the newly diagnosed person is freaking out and the work we are doing here ... and he wrote:

 

Good for you Pam. Once again you are so commendable. And the funny thing is even though I introduced myself to you talking about HPV I totally forgot that about you until you just said that. Just goes to show you I don't care about that. I care that you are doing what you must to give back and be careful and healthy but overall it's not even a blip on my radar in getting to know you.

 

WOOOOOW.... now THAT is the kind of guy I am looking to attract ... and my friends, if there is one like him, there will be more. I am getting hopeful that this guy will work out but we have not met yet and we all know that chemistry is a fickle thing... cross fingers for me!!! But it just shows me that there ARE great people out there who value the PERSON over their flaws/baggage.

 

Please friends, when you are feeling inadequate or unlovable or you are convinced that NOONE will love you, remember this post. We may have to deal with a whole lotta frogs out there, but Herpes will help you to sort the ones that are "Prince" material from the impostors... ;)

 

Peace out :)

 

 

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Well, another update. First - that guy didn't work out ... it was odd because we went out several times and he totally let me set the pace, which was sooo refreshing. But something seemed "off" so I kept it very neutral while I tried to figure that out.... and then one day his phone was disconnected ... so I decided it was time to see if Google could tell me why things felt off ... and after a little detective work, I find out ... THE GUY WAS ARRESTED FOR ROBBING A BANK LAST FALL! ( He was released on his on recognizance which makes me wonder if they thought they had the right guy but mention anywhere about whether he was taken off the suspect list or what). Anyway, never heard back from him (thankfully) so that was short-lived...LOL. Life is nothing if not an adventure, eh?

 

Still getting a lot of interest - just not from guys I'm interested in or the conversations peter out over a few days (online dating seems to be like that ... kid in candy store syndrome) but I'd say that most of the guys seem to be better prospects as a whole than I was getting before.

 

Today I went on my soapbox on FB again ... I'm sooo disgusted with the Medical professionals who are behind on their information that I just had to get another statement out there asking them to get tested and, more importantly, INFORMED about STD's..... Here is what I wrote:

 

So I just have to put this out there. I hope everyone who sees this will read it, because it may affect you or someone you know:

 

Many of you know that I am a Life Coach and Advocate for people with Herpes and other STD's. It's been an enlightening time for me since I joined forces with the Herpes Life forum and started my own blog. I love this work, especially helping the newly diagnosed to gain the facts and help them to realize that their life is FAR from over.

 

One of the things that has me even more disturbed than the realization of how under-educated the public is about these things is how ignorant the DOCTORS are about Herpes and how it is transmitted. I'm hearing time and again that people are being told that Herpes can't be passed on if you are not having an outbreak so you don't need to tell your partner as long as you avoid sex during an OB. Or that if you get it "down south", it HAS to be Type 2 (Not true ... 50% of all the new cases of H are HSV1...aka Cold Sores ... from oral sex... often in spite of the fact that the giver hasn't had a cold sore since childhood).

 

Folks: when you go for your STD checks, PLEASE ask that they include the Herpes testing .... as well as Chlamydia and HPV (for women ... there isn't a HPV test for men :( ) as these are usually not included in the regular testing ... (you can thank the CDC for that bright move). Knowledge is power..... and ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to STD's.

 

FACTS: 80% of the population has one or other types of Herpes ... most have HSV1 in the form of cold sores ... but it's good to know that you carry that so you can take more precautions with oral sex and even kissing/sharing drinks if you have a friend/family member who is immune compromised. 15-20% have HSV2. That's ONE IN FIVE of your friends ... and 80% of them don't know they have it. Condoms only give you 50% protection from getting Herpes (and HPV for that matter). Sex Ed in school is NOT getting this information out there and if you have been in a LTR odds are your STD knowledge is well out of date.

 

The #1 cause of the spread of Herpes (and other STD's for that matter) is IGNORANCE, not promiscuity. The vast majority of new cases come from someone who either didn't know about asymptomatic shedding (thanks to the info from their Doctors) or they don't know they actually have Herpes because they are an asymptomatic carrier. Those of us who have H can and DO protect our partners from getting it with medications, condoms, and abstinence when we have prodromes. In fact, I'd put out the theory that WE are safer than the majority of the population because we take measures to have the "STD talk" and to be responsible around doing what we can to prevent passing the virus on to others.

 

If you are sexually active OR have never been tested for everything, PLEASE get educated and tested (and be very careful where you get your information from... there are a lot of bad resources out there) Herpeslife.com, Westover Heights, and the CDC are the best sources for Herpes info. If you want info on other STD's contact me.

 

Check out my blog here: www.http://supporttruthanddialog.com/ for more information, facts, and links to other STD support groups.

 

*Stepping off soap box*

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So - Update:

 

Dating is still a mixed bag - but not because of Herpes. It's just hard to find someone when you are in your 50's, are set in your ways, know what you like and don't like, have learned to not compromise, and you already have a great life in a good town and don't necessarily want to move unless the person is REALLY worth the risk....

 

I had 3 dates a couple weekends ago... met one on Positive Singles, one on POF and one on OKC ... funny enough, didn't connect with the PS guy at all ... the POF guy was a definite possiblity but he contacted me later to say an old flame had moved back to town and he was exploring that option but that he really liked me and would have pursued me if this had not come up. The OKC guy was an instant attraction - came on hot and heavy and disclosed something to me that was very personal ... we had so much in common ... suddenly he disappeared ... I think it's to do with the thing he told me about.... that perhaps he's just not ready .. we keep having short texts but have not managed to get together ... so not sure where this one may go. He may well be worth some patience, but I have to see what the deal is before I see if that is right for me.

 

I'm putting this out there because I want you all to know that the two last guys are H- (at least, they believe they are) and neither was worried about my status. I have it all up front on ALL my profiles and I just keep getting really supportive and genuine men contacting me ... some to just say how much they appreciate my honesty, and some with more personal interest. NOT ONE nasty email ... and I put this up early this year.

 

This was the most recent email that I got:

 

I have to hand it to you, you are the only person I have seen on this or any other site that is straight forward especially about an STD. You have earned my respect. People are so dam stupid sometimes. I once dated a woman with Herpes no big deal just use the brain. Anyway I just had to tell you that Very,Very Cool.

 

Much of the stigma is in the brain of those who have the virus - NOT in the minds of those who may want to meet us and love us ... certainly not in the minds of anyone who is worthwhile and deserves to be in our lives.

 

((HUGS))

 

 

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Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your experience here. Jon Stewart had a lame herpes joke on his show the other day which gave me an idea as to how to "come out together" as I saw you mentioning in another thread.

 

I'm also glad you shared about your daughter and her reaction. I've shared with a number of close family/friends: my mother (she said, "ah, you've been a bad girl" haha), my sister (love her), a cousin, by bestie GF and my bestie BF. Wow, I'm so lucky!

 

It crossed my mind this morning to share with my 15 and 17-year-old kids, girl and boy respectively. I didn't do it partly because I don't want to burden them with that. (They will remember my initial OB because I went to the ER twice because I COULD NOT PEE. Yup: nasty fucking virus.) And I want to alert them before they go to college and off into life that some people might seem nice, you may even fall in love with them, but that won't stop them from doing unto you what you wouldn't FATHOM doing unto your enemies, let alone the ones you profess to love. :'-(

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Well, i would definitely talk to them sooner rather than later. Be careful about how you approach it (esp the issue of the guy knowing) ... The God's honest truth is that 80% of people with H don't know they have it anyway and the VAST majority of people who get it get it from an unknowing asymptomatic carrier .... THAT is what they need to know ... that to just ask is not enough.To assume a new partner is "clean" is to play Russian Roulette unless you SEE their test ... and that at the VERY least they need to use condoms .... reality is they will want to explore their sexuality ... but if you can get them to at least be more careful than most, you are winning ....

 

And for your son, tell him to NEVER assume that because a girl is on B/C that she won't get pregnant ... it's another great reason for him to use a condom ... Pregnancy is a Sexually Transmitted Condition with lifelong repercussions .... and IMO any guy who puts the whole burden of avoiding pregnancy on the girl is foolish and asking to be a Baby Daddy :P

 

I'm sorry you had such a bad first OB - it's likely because he had the blister so you got a "mega dose" I expect. For the majority of us it's not nearly that nasty .... if it was there would be a MUCH bigger reason for the Big Pharma to do more. Again, for 80%, it's nothing. The other 20% have varying degrees of difficulty with it... only a very few have your experience. The reason I say be careful how you discuss it is that they *might* fall in love with a REALLY GOOD PERSON who has Herpes .... they need to know that YOUR experience was not the only way it goes and that *most* of us don't have that experience. Does that make sense???

 

(((HUGS)))

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So... latest update:

 

The OKC guy and I hit it off ... he had no problems with my H+ status but I had to tap out last week because he is just not able to communicate and be in a relationship the way *I* want to be. He has stuff going on and maybe it's just not the right time for him.... so maybe he will be back later, but right now I'm back to being single.

 

Still getting a LOT of guys approaching me. Problem is finding anyone *I* have any attraction to as well. I'm in conversation with about 5 guys at the moment ... only just opened myself to starting again ... trying to give them a chance. All 5 are, to my knowledge so far, H-. Most guys who are H+ reveal that they are impressed with my openness pretty early on and admit their status .... and I usually end up educating them in some way because most have not found a place like this for support. We'll see where they go... so far I'm not feeling any kind of draw to any one in particular ... but that may change with a date or two. We'll see.

 

I've had 2 interesting experiences lately. One was that I went to a party with a Tarot Card reading ... I knew the reader I was going to see ... but I figured (correctly) that this person likely wouldn't remember where we met, so I kept that to myself until after the reading. We had actually met when I did a Podcast on STD's and Herpes for a friend. So after I revealed this, they revealed to me that they had actually been diagnosed about 3 months after with Herpes and that what they learned in the podcast saved their marriage ... we have made plans to talk further as they still have questions but it was soooo beautiful to know that whether anyone listened to the podcast or not, it resulted in helping at least ONE person ;)

 

The second experience is a conversation with a gentleman who lives further away who is H+ on OKC about my status admission on there ....

 

I just read your profile and I was so moved by your coolness, inner and outer beauty, honesty, and bravery, that I had to reach out. The herpes conversation blew me away... right on your profile page... along with all those beautiful pictures of YOU! You put yourself right out there! You deserve to find the man of your dreams! You are an amazing woman!

 

What I really get from this conversation is how powerful our actions can be for others in ways that we may never know or understand .... this man reached out to me (and we have had a great phone conversation as a result and I can see a nice friendship as a result) ... but I wonder how many don't perhaps reach out but who are touched and moved and inspired by my profile and who may perhaps have more compassion either with themselves (if they are H+) or a potential partner (if they are H-) because of what they read in my profile.

 

We ALL have the potential to change the perception of Herpes and STD's in general. I truly believe that if we could all just be able to be fully AUTHENTIC about who we are ... and fully OK with it (the good, the bad, and the viral!) that life would be a whole lot better on this planet..

 

Peace Out :)

 

 

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