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[simplyme24]

So I am new to these discussions but have been reading them for awhile. I guess I will tell a little about me and my situation.

 

I found out I had herpes a year ago...last August. It was devasting for me. I remember crying real bad in the doctors office and throwing my glasses across the room. I thought my life was over. But I did research and they're so many people out there with herpes. Its more of an annoyance really. At the time, I had an on n off again boyfriend who was great about it. He said he didn't care about me having herpes and he loved me regardless. Well, that relationship hit rock bottom and I only stayed with him because of my herpes. I thought "whose gonna want me now? I have herpes AND can't have children. Ya I'm a real winner." We broke up not too long ago and now I actually have to face it.

 

A month ago I met this guy. I really like him but we got into the discussion of STDs and asked me if I had any. I was caught off gaurd. I told him "no" and I asked if he would ever date someone with an STD and he said "no" so that made me sick to my stomach. I really like him. I do not want to chase him away and I can't bare the thought of doing to him what someone did to me....have sex and not tell me. But I really do not think I am brave enough to tell him that I have herpes. I can't expect him to stay around after that or even begin to understand. If I didn't have this, I would not date someone with herpes so how can I expect him to? But it lingers in the back of my mind that I should tell people. I'm just absolutely terrified of missing out on a good person or potential match because of a mistake in my past. And trust me...its not easy finding a decent guy. It makes me want to run back to my ex and makes me miss him so much becuase I feel like he is the only one who will accept me and still love me and make me feel beautiful.

 

So lost. :/

[mr_hopp]

Welcome, simplyme. :) It's good to have you peeking from behind your computer and reaching out.

 

The most pivotal thing that you said is this:

"If I didn't have this, I would not date someone with herpes so how can I expect him to?"

 

I see this time and time again on these forums and with my private coaching clients. Before you got herpes, you had judgments about what it meant to have herpes: The stigma, the dirtiness, the negative beliefs, etc. Now that you have herpes, you have unfortunately lumped yourself in with "those people." Before you can expect someone else to accept and love you, you need to accept and love yourself. (Sounds familiar, right?) ;)

 

Even if you tell the guy you have herpes and he accepts the risk, it seems that you still wouldn't be okay with having herpes yourself. I have seen a few discordant-partner relationships (one person has herpes, the other doesn't) become self-sabotaged because the partner with herpes just couldn't accept that they had herpes and were a risk (even though the risk is small in the scheme of things — read this handout for more on that: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout ). Also, read through the FAQ section to get an overview of the common conversations that happen around this:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1758/frequently-asked-questions-about-herpes/p1

 

Perfect example of not accepting oneself leading to not allowing love and acceptance in: Look at this that was posted simultaneously to yours:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1766/herpes-outbreak-symptoms-what-are-they-like-for-you#Item_5

 

Skittles hasn't yet accepted herself yet with herpes, and even with a supportive and loving boyfriend, the same feelings are still there. I can totally relate to both you and Skittles. I was in that boat of not accepting myself for YEARS. But guess what? I realized all of that was a tremendous waste of energy. ;) Look at your own judgments about herpes. Are they true? Have you heard the phrase "Don't always believe what you think"? Choose your beliefs wisely, because certain beliefs can unnecessarily bind you, not allowing you to live and love fully.

[WCSDancer2010]

First Adrial - I LOVE reading your replies. They always make me smile :)

 

Simplyme: The way I am trying to see this is that if a guy likes me enough, he will want to at least get informed. If he runs as soon as I tell him I have H+, I question whether he would be there when things got really rough. So far, I have to say that H+ has done a good job of showing me a man's true colors. How they react tells you how open they are to listening and dealing with difficult situations. It also tells you how "into" you he really is.... if he REALLY likes you, he will at least agree to get educated before he decides what he wants to do. And if he stays, you can slow things down and use that time to get to know each other better ;)

 

I would print out the "disclosure" handout and ask to talk to him in a safe but non-romantic setting. Explain your feelings for him and that he caught you off guard. Explain your status and see where he takes it. You may want to ask him if he actually KNOWS he has been tested for anything other than HIV, Syphilis and Gonorrhea...because MOST of the time, when you ask for STD tests, that is ALL they do unless you specifically ask for the others. He could well be in the 80% group that doesn't know he has it..... :/

 

(((HUGS))) and love. Breathe and take it one day at a time. And trust that the H+ will tell you what you need to know about HIM ...

 

Peace

 

 

[simplyme24]

Thank you both for the comments. I have been trying to cope and tell this guy and he led the doorway wide opened for me to by keep asking me if I had anything. So I watch your Youtube videos a lot Adrial and I looked at the handouts about throwing numbers out there and saying how much you care and how much trust you have to have in a person to tell them. He was taken aback at first and then he asked a lot of questions, which I was ok with. Then he looked some stuff up. And seemed ok. I was sooo happy. Thought I had dodged a huge bullet. Well a couple of weeks later he tells me that he likes me as a person but cannot take the risk. I didn't know what to think. I feel like my ex is the only one who will ever have accepted me. I haven't felt this bad about having herpes since I got it.

 

I really don't know what else to do as I don't have many friends and the onea I do have really do not understand. So I joined the HBuddy on here hoping that will help. The most awful thing to hear is "oh you would be a wonderful person if u didn't have herpes"

 

When I did have a bf who was supportive of my herpes..I was with him when I found out...I didnt feel rejected. He even had unprotected sex with me to show me it didn't bother him. Now I can't even get someone to date me. This is awful. Sorry to blab but "this"...rejection and dating and whole disclosing factor is so new to me.

[mr_hopp]

I'm glad you disclosed. It does take courage and integrity to disclose. And his reaction doesn't mean you're doomed to be single forever. Do you see what happened? One guy says he doesn't want to take the risk of getting herpes and you come to the conclusion that you will NEVER find someone to accept you. That's a huge leap, simplyme. One incident doesn't predict the rest. It's mathematically impossible. :)

 

And I know that feeling, trust me. I felt the same way when I first got herpes, but it's just not true. It just means he's not the one. How would you feel if you didn't have herpes and someone decided they didn't want to be with you? Would you convince yourself that that's how it's going to be for the rest of your life? No, I hope not. :) It would probably sting a bit, but then you'd just move on to the next guy you're interested in. It's just the same here. He didn't bite, but others will. It's the name of the game in dating. Herpes doesn't change that. People have preferences for one kind of person or another, some people will overlook herpes while others won't ... it's all part of the same thing called dating.

 

The point here is, I'm super proud of you for disclosing. It sometimes takes practice. And not just practice in having the talk itself, but practice in accepting yourself and that you're worthy of love regardless of what you got. :) This was just the first guy who just so happened to have dodged an amazing woman. There will be others ...

[simplyme24]

I knew I had to disclose because it would have been utterly wrong and I couldn't live with myself doing to him what someone did to me....which was not tell me. And I knew I had to do it before anything got too involved. I guess its a normal reaction to feel like every guy will reject you after one does, but I just hope this doesn't scare me from future disclosures. O_o After I did disclose, however, it was like a 20 pound weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Hah.

 

I'm glad there are amazing ppl out there like you helping ppl like me cope with this. I don't know what I would do without these forums.

 

I guess at this point, referring to "loving yourself regardless of what you have," I am having trouble loving myself with herpes. I have all these regrets like I should have used a condom...big one! And I. Know someone won't love me unless I do. But how does someone go about loving something that they hate so much?

[Bulagal]

Hi Simplyme

I feel ya sister - I recently disclosed to a man I met about 5 weeks ago. I wasn't prepared for his questions- and more than that- I wasn't prepared for his rejection. Herpes has been such a non issue for me for so long ( have had it almost 30 years)

That I simply wasn't expecting an educated & intelligent man to react this way. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he and I would be together if I didn't have H. Our connection is amazing- but I guess it's not enough..

 

Now I am petrified of having to have "the talk" with a new man. This forum and the podcasts have been a HUGE help for me in putting it all in proper perspective. I know that it's not me being rejected- and I know that I am an amazing woman with so much to offer the right man.... So what I have an annoying skin condition!!!!!

 

Hang in there- the right- accepting- man is out there for both of us!

Hugs

Terri

[WCSDancer2010]

@Bulagal "I feel ya sister - I recently disclosed to a man I met about 5 weeks ago. I wasn't prepared for his questions- and more than that- I wasn't prepared for his rejection. Herpes has been such a non issue for me for so long ( have had it almost 30 years)"

 

I feel ya sister - I've been there - same as you - had it for years (30+ years) before I got the walk after the talk. And I have had TWO men this year who I felt a really strong connection decide to walk away and H was definitely the issue for at least one of them - maybe both. So we've had a delayed reaction with the reality of H. But we also know we have had people in our lives who have accepted us with H. And THAT is what I hold on to when I'm down :)

[pjgreeneyes]

New here too and this site has been such a gift. @WCSDancer2010...such a great perspective "we've had a delayed reaction with the reality of H"....me too and now just have to hang on to those people who accepted me and have that be brighter than the times and dread that comes with those who haven't. Still taking baby steps on this site and the support is wonderful.

 

[simplyme24]

i am appreciating the support with dealing with rejection, You are all truly courageous people to disclose to so many people that you have Herpes. I know how truly brave I had to be when I did and how truly stronger I felt afterwards.

 

I thought it was unfair for my guy to tease me in the way he did. To accept me at first, only to reject me weeks later. it has truly taken a toll on my self-esteem. Some days I do not even want to look in the mirror. I have not felt like that since I found out almost a year and half ago (which feels like an eternity).

 

I am wondering if any of you had any positive reactions with disclosures? Of course my family and friends accept me, but outside of them...meaning potential partners?

[mr_hopp]

Of course! This site is crawling with positive reactions with disclosures. :) Have you read the success stories section?

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/categories/herpes-talk-success-stories

 

I know that it seems that it's all about herpes whether or not we will be "accepted" or "rejected" (which are words I'm not really comfortable using since I don't actually see it as acceptance or rejection). Ultimately it's about *preference.* And that's what dating is all about anyway. You're looking for someone and someone else is looking for you. Sometimes it's a match. Sometimes it's not. You have preferences on the kind of guy you want and he'll have preferences on the kind of woman he wants. Some people have dealbreakers that are A, B, C ... other people have dealbreakers that are X, Y, Z.

 

Your question if there have been any positive reactions with disclosures is like asking a room of people "Have you had any positive reactions to telling someone you like them?" There will be stories of people who have had positive reactions and negative reactions. But when someone doesn't want to be with someone else, is that rejection or is it preference at play? Rejection feels like us making it mean that we aren't enough for anybody instead of realizing we're just not a fit for that person, for whatever reason. It's not only about herpes. Zoom the camera out. Herpes has little to do with it ultimately. I know that it seems like to you that it has EVERYTHING to do with it. But I've come to realize just the opposite. Herpes might actually have you find the perfect person for you because herpes will force you to go deeper into yourself and find what is truly lovable, irresistible. And that's what radiates out ...

[simplyme24]

I read some of the success stories. Truly inspirational. It kind of gives me hope. And something I read about herpes really enabling you to seek out the good guys from the bad, which you probably couldn't do before...stuck out to me. It gives hope that one day...once I have truly coped with the fact of having herpes...that I will find someone who won't see it as a deal-breaker. And I am finding that it is so much more common than a lot of people think. One thing you said stuck out.."Herpes might actually have you find the perfect person for you because herpes will force you to go deeper into yourself." I find that it has already done this on some aspects, as it has made me see life in a whole new perspective. It is funny how Herpes is really just an annoying skin condition, but the media gives it such a bad rep, that we perceive it in our minds as this awful, shameful thing. *Sigh