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post herpes disclosure- sex concerns?

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I had posted about three weeks ago, about my new boyfriend and my disclosure. I was very lucky to have found a special person to accept me for who I am and find me worth the small risk of herpes. We are still dating and going strong. It is tough considering he travels for work and is gone half or more than half the time. About one week after disclosing, we were in the heat of the moment and he had looked at me and said- can i get a condom? and i stopped and said, "are you sure you are ok with this?" He said "I am." this was shocking considering he said he wanted to take things slow. I also was excited because I felt ready now that I know I am with a guy who is committed, respectful and accepting of me. We had sex (protected) condom and birth control and I felt very comfortable and not worried. We have only had sex a few times because of his work travel. Just this past night, he is in town for the week and we were in heat of moment again. We got to the point of where I asked him, "should we put something on?" and he said … aren't you on the pill? and i was like… well yes, but do you really think thats a good idea? and he just looked into my eyes but was quiet and didn't say yes or no. btw we didn't end up having sex unprotected.. we just fooled around but with no condom. I am concerned that he doesnt realize the risk at all? or I was also at the same time extremely in awe at how much herpes doesnt phase him. I am confused at him being so cool about this so fast and he is the most genuine guy toward me. I am wondering if anyone else has had this experience and if it seems like he really is just really ok with everything and willing to accept that risk? (i am not very comfortable because of pregnancy risk.. btw) because if he is ok with no protection and assumes the risk then that is his risk to take. Just want some support and comments :)

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First - I am so happy you found someone who is accepting of you and H+. Gives me hope I will too!


So *MY* experience is most guys (understandably) will want to do ANYTHING to get beyond the condom issue...and the older they get, the less they like them (lets just say they put a real damper on things and older guys don't need a damper... ;) ). So as soon as they feel "safe" they will push to stop using condoms, esp in the heat of the moment.


Have you shown him the disclosure handout? I would make sure he has it so you know he has the facts... http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout


I personally would sit down and have one more talk with him when you are not in the heat of the moment. Has he had ALL the STD tests? You disclosed YOUR status...do you know his? Because there is a high chance he already has it but may not know because he may *think* he's been tested when in actuality he may well have only been tested for HIV, Syphilis, and Gonorrhea. I'd make sure to clarify that with him before you have unprotected sex, for both your sakes. Tell him he needs to specifically ask for all the tests (including Chlamydia - but there isn't a test for HPV in men yet :( ) That way, if he comes up H+, he can't "blame" you.


Even with disclosure, you need to protect yourself from other STD risks ... even more so now... who wants to have TWO STD's to worry about, eh? One is plenty!



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I'm actually in a serious relationship as well I had my 1st outbreak oct 20th and when it cleared up I tried to be sexually active with him and all it was cause pain and it's been 3 weeks since we tried I'm all clear but I'm so scared to move to that step after being in so much pain I'm trying to convince myself it's okay and it will be great but I feel like I'm going to cause another outbreak or make things worse but how do I keep my boyfriend waiting and waiting he's not mad he'll wait as long as I want but as a girl friend I feel like I can't be normal we have a very active sex life before all this and an amazing connection I feel a little disconnected because I don't want to do anything to tempt him then turn him down its so frustrating from your personal experiences do you think I'm ready and what precaution should I take

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Hey Inspired 32! Super happy that you have found someone that is supportive and understanding! It makes the outbreaks and everything else that goes with this so much easier to handle some days.

I understand where you are coming from - I am dating this guy who I told about my HSV, and to my surprise he had already dated a girl who had it, and totally understands it with me. When we first started having sex it was protected, and then eventually we stopped using condoms. I know he understands the risk, and I know that I would never engage in sex if I was having any sort of outbreak.

Maybe talk to him in advance and tell him that if you start to have symptoms, then it is a definite risk and he should be aware of that.


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Sab123 -


I can tell you I've had this most of my life,,, you CAN have a very active, NORMAL sex life. If you had pain when you tried to have sex you probably just tried too early. One trick is to use lots of lube so you don't irritate the area ... and if you shave, you may want to move to trimming so you don't irritate the area with the razor. And one of the biggies... reduce your stress as much as possible.


So lets find a positive way to work with this. Ask your BF if you can just do lots of foreplay ... anything to get you relaxed and in the mood. Just take your time. Perhaps bring a small toy into the mix... something that you can "test the waters" with to see if it's still causing pain. Move at YOUR pace. And if it doesn't work, use that time to explore other ways to pleasure each other. H+ can be a blessing to your sex life because you will spend more time cuddling and being intimate in other ways ... who knows what wonderful new things you might learn about each other in the bedroom that you might not ever learn if you were not forced to take regular intercourse out of the mix??? ;)


((HUGS)) - Keep us posted ... we are here for you!

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  • 2 weeks later...

hi Sab123,

I can imagine your frustration with the situation you are in. Although I do not have active outbreaks- haven't in a couple years since the initial.. don't want to jinx it! ;), I have felt that way with keeping myself from acting sexual. Before I disclosed to my current boyfriend, I did not touch his private AT ALL. i felt awful, since i allowed him to touch me knowing that is not a way to pass anything on and I could do that pre-disclosure safely. I kept feeling like all I do is give him blue balls and lead him on and he must think I'm not interested. When I did tell him eventually, he did understand why I was the way I was with him. You are through the hard part, which is knowing if he is going to accept your herpes or not. You are in a good place because it really sounds like he respects you very much and thinks you are very worth any risk to him. He is willing to wait because he obviously cares about you as a person way more than having a lot of sex with you. I am sure he is anxious to have sex because… aren't we all?! ;) and because he cares for you a lot. But, if he is willing to wait AND accepts you I think you found yourself an amazing man. I think you should just try hard to find peace in all of this considering you are being hard on yourself. I know this is tough, because I am struggling with the fact that even POST disclosure it is still a very lonely lonely place. I still feel that the people who don't know i have herpes don't really understand my relationship with my boyfriend because they don't know the deepness and seriousness of him accepting something so different about me. I think it says a lot the way someone responds and reacts to a herpes disclosure. Do you have type 1 or 2? I think that you should still have him wear condoms because of the small percentage of a risk. I have type 1 which leaves me at about a 1% chance to spread it to him, but on top of it, I am also on birth control but id be terrified at risking getting pregnant. My boyfriend wanted to have sex right away and now all of the sudden brought up no condom but I pretty much told him i don't think that is a good idea. I don't think I'm ready to not use a condom, but maybe eventually. I think it is important to be honest with your boyfriend about how you feel and if you feel ready then definitely try again. I think he wants you to feel comfortable to feel ready on your own without any pressure from him. I hope I could help! I know it is lonely, I still feel alone in it, but we are all in this together! Even the men in our life are now involved in HERPES!!! :) ;)

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