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My Herpes Story

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Hello all, I'm new here. Not sure how to do this. Funny (I say that in my sad sarcastic voice) how fear can hold us, because in just typing this I am consumed with fear, acting as if you can all see me. I'm a bit paranoid (mildly put), a side effect of you-know-what (still can't quite spit that word out yet). I mean, just signing up gave me a migraine. Pondering whether or not someone would find out, or maybe someone signed up only to find all those infected and expose them (too many movies I guess). As you can see, I like to hide beneath a blanket of what I think is humor (they tell me I can be funny, but I think that's what people tell you when they're laughing at you). But, I'm here, so I guess I'll jump in. I type this with tears streaming down my face but I'll chug on like Thomas the tank engine. I think I can...I think I can....


I'm not really sure to be exact when I got "it" (bear with me people. I'm working on that). I gave away my prize way too early in life and definitely to a person that didn't deserve it but I accept the truth that nonetheless. "I" gave it away. I was only 13 years old. Well that didn't go anywhere. I can't believe I was surprised, but looking back, so many young girls thought as I did. You know, this will really show him and then we'll be together forever-Hah! He wasn't even my boyfriend, just an older guy I was crushing on.


Shortly after that "relationship" — or lets just call it a hit-and-run, an accident — I started dating my first love. We were inseparable. I think that the few times I've actually made love in my life were with him. Yeah I was young, but it was one of the purest relationships I've had (sad I know). So yes, we were having sex. And to make a long story short (and to leave out too many details that may or may not reveal me to someone, somewhere :-/) we were tested. Not willingly, but tested nonetheless. I was positive, he negative, though I never saw the results.


The adults did all the talking so I will never know. This is when I lost a piece of myself ... a few, actually ... a few that I don't think I'll ever get back. To put it bluntly, I won't get back. It's been over 20 years, my childhood gone; forced to grow up fast, forced to hide, forced to project and to masquerade.


I didn't know how else to deal and today I still don't.


I grow more and more afraid every day. I have a child and I am sometimes fearful to kiss them or sleep in the same bed. What if it's on the sheets? What if I touch myself in my sleep and touch their hand and they touch their face? And on and on ... I'm haunted by my reality. I've created horrible "what-if" stories in my mind that grow more and more regardless of how much information I have.


For God's sake I've only had 20 yrs to get a handle on this, but shit (excuse my french) I've never had an outbreak. Could this be a dream? A nightmare? Some twisted joke? Am I being punked? I want to wake up. I am crippled and I know that I shouldn't let this consume me, but it's taken most of my life. You know, the years when you should be carefree and fearless. I'm not depressed, I am depression, and no one would ever know (greatest trick the devil ever pulled and all). I am the Phoenix, rising and falling, building myself up only to know my fate. I'm exhausted. I still cringe when I hear the name. When people speak it, I feel the way the character Ennis did in Brokeback Mountain. They know. I've stayed in abusive relationships because I thought that's what was left for people like me. Yeah I've gotten past that, I like being alone but what about when I don't want to be alone anymore? Trust me there is so much more I'm leaving out that have led me to this mess I am today. Maybe I'll warm up slowly, open Pandora's box and share over time. Fill in the blanks, kids can be cruel.


I am afraid. I am afraid in just typing this. I am afraid.

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I am so glad you have finally been able to say them...I just want to give you a hug. I think maybe you have't been able to let it out like this before...well you have come to the right place...even just to be able to say it 'out loud'. There is nothing to hide on here, we all have the same condition, we all understand and have all felt the same way to whatever level. There is no judgement and I hope through signing up you may feel better knowing there are so many others who live with this.


So much of the sadness in our lives is caused by fear and it is fear that causes our negative thoughts, our depression and exhaustion. It's not easy letting it go but we all get to the point where we don't want to live with it anymore, and then there is a choice. Sounds like its your crunch time when you want to give it up...and I have learned that you can choose - choose to live without fear and find out the ways to do it. It's a process and takes some effort but its worth it.


The biggest fear you can give up this very minute is of loving your child...forget about the sheets or any other inanimate objects transferring it (Herpes can't be transferred that way) don't hold back touching and loving them - a virus like this that has given you no symptoms is no reason to deprive you and your child of that joy. I was with a man for 28 years who had HSV1 and neither myself or our three children contracted it...so snuggle up with your child and love them as much as you can, love is bigger than Herpes and you both deserve to enjoy it.


Bittersweet, it's time to create some different stories that will bring you joy instead of fear and depression...after all, it's only our thoughts that create our 'reality'. You can say anything you like on here and know we understand, we all have herpes (I have HPV too) and are learning to live with it. There is no shame in having this..how you feel changes when you start believing it. You really need to learn to believe this for both you and your child...do you want them growing up with the same 'reality' as you? You can change it for them and in doing that change everything for yourself. You deserve it. :-) xx

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Wow, Bittersweet. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I love you and your courage.


I know the depths of darkness that you speak of so eloquently. You're clearly an amazingly intelligent person. And it's ironic: Sometimes the most intelligent people have the most vivid imaginations that can lead them down the scariest, deepest paths. And when you're in negativity and foul, oozing thoughts, that imagination spirals down deep. The more you allow yourself to sink deeper into your own darkness, the more fears manifest themselves into a reality that doesn't serve you or your beautiful child, or anyone else for that matter. And I know what that's like, too. I was in that pit of despair for years. YEARS. And sometimes it takes suffering in that for a while before you realize you want out. Have you heard that cliché of hitting a wall? Sounds like that's where you're coming to. Congratulations. We're here to give you a hand up and out ...


I'm proud of you for coming here. You felt immense fear. And you spoke out anyway. For your own good. For the good of your child. You know the best way to vanquish shame? It's to share what you are ashamed of. When you're vulnerable with sharing what you're ashamed of and still accepted for who you are instead of what you have, the shame washes away into self-acceptance. And you are beautiful. I can see it through your writing. I can see who you are. You deserve to accept yourself. You've been beating yourself up for too long. It's time for a change. And coming on this site, pushing past the fear, shows that there's something that you're fighting for. Something that's worth it. I'm excited for you to find what that is and keep fighting for it.


What Lelani said is beautiful. Yes, I promise you, love is bigger than herpes. Love your child. Don't hold that back. The only way to transfer herpes is in skin-to-skin contact during an outbreak or shedding. That's it. You have a lot of love to give. And a child that needs it.


And if you haven't heard about it yet, check out the weekend seminar I'll be putting on in late October in North Carolina. I'd be happy to talk with you about it if you're interested. And if it sounds scary to fly to NC to attend a weekend seminar on your relationship to herpes and ultimately yourself, then that might just be telling you something important. ;) Here are the details: http://herpesopportunity.com

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Im new to this also i Have been doing Nothing but crying becuz im 25 weeks pregnant and im only 18..... And just like u sed i was doing whatever to please my boyfriend so We ended up having anal and vaginal sex back and fourth and now i have herpes i dont have any signs or pains Culd this Really b true

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