New here..... Having a difficult time after disclosing herpes

[Bulagal]

I'm new to this site- but not new to Herpes. I've had it for about 30 years now. I was married for 10 years and my husband was positive also- then in a relationship for close to a year and he had it too. Single again..... And I have met a wonderful man..... And of course told him.... It was our 3rd date- after some intense kissing but clearly before any further intimacy.....

I was not ready for the rejection- nor was I ready to answer all of his questions .... Herpes had become such a non issue for me the past 12 years....... I simply was not prepared. This was 3 weeks ago. At first he said that he did not want to risk his health and that he needed to move on. As much as this hurt me- I understood and respected his decision. The problem is that he has NOT moved on. In the 3 weeks he has continued to call and e mail- and we have continued to see each other a couple times a week. Clearly he is confused- and has feelings for me. I have provided him info that I should have had at the time of disclosure-better late than never. He has done extensive research and talked to several friends- even a few that he found out are also positive.....he commented that he had no idea how common it was.....

 

I believe that both of our feelings are becoming stronger each time we see each other. I feel without a shadow of a doubt that we would be together if not for this problem.

 

I don't know what to do - and I guess I just wonder if anyone has been through something similar and had a partner decide that the connection was stronger than the herpes- and decided to pursue the relationship? I know that I really care for this man- and that I am opening myself up to heartbreak.... But that there is also a chance that we could continue?

 

I am confused as well..... One minute I want to tell him he needs to make a decision before the feelings get any stronger- and the next minute I think that I should just enjoy the time we have together and let it unfold the way that it will.....

 

It's just so difficult as I can feel his confusion .....

 

Thanks for having this amazing site - for listening- and for providing much needed support.....

[WCSDancer2010]

First - welcome.... you are in the right place and you are among friends..... and (((HUGS)))...

 

I can TOTALLY relate - I have been in the same place as I have has HSV1 since 3 yrs old (thanks to an Auntie or someone kissing me with a sore because in the 60's noone knew anything about it) and HSV2 since my late teens - with a 20 yr marriage in there (I passed it to him and that was when we found out what that "rash" was). Also had a relationship after that it wasn't an issue ... then the reality hit when I hit the dating world again when I got several rejections... so I TOTALLY feel you sister!

 

It sounds like he is a good guy and just needs educating. Have you printed out the info here in the handouts and such?

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

You may want to get him to come on here too - so he can ask the questions that he needs to put his mind to rest.

 

And until then, as you said, just enjoy each day for what it is with him. You are both being made to look in the (H) mirror... which will make you both look at your insecurities and fears. The one thing that is a positive thing is that if you get through this (and I did with one man... went through this exact same thing...we broke up later for other reasons) you, and your relationship will be stronger for it...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

I'll be back on with more thoughts but work calls and I'm trying to get through these posts!!!

[mr_hopp]

Yeah, this is an example of the tug of war between following the heart and being slowed/confused by the stigma. Knowledge goes a long way to lessening the stigma. Unfortunately since it's just not talked about, it seems like no one else has herpes, but SO MANY PEOPLE DO! The first spread of the e-book that WCS linked to above gives you visual examples of how many people in America alone. It's staggering. So, the chances of him encountering another woman with herpes is quite a high percentage (20-25% of women have genital herpes). And not to mention 80% of Americans have cold sores, which are oral herpes. So yes, make sure he's fully educated so his decision is coming from an informed place instead of a reaction against the unfair stigma (which was most likely created by big pharma, by the way, to sell their meds ... quite thoughtful of them, huh?)

 

And you ask if there are stories where the connection was stronger than the stigma? Absolutely. It happens so much that I created a whole separate category on these forums for people to share their success stories. Here they are:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/categories/herpes-talk-success-stories

 

... and here are some helpful blog articles for you:

http://herpeslife.com/rates-of-herpes-transmission/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-statistics

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

[Bulagal]

Thank you for the support and for the links to positive success stories. This site is awesome and I agree with you Dancer- he can benefit from the knowledge and info on this site as well so I will provide him the link.

I also think that if we DO get through this- the relationship has the potential to be very strong.

He's still hanging around - we spent Thanksgiving together with my friends- and then he spent the night with me for the first time- no sex though... Just holding touching and cuddling - which was great. I am finding that getting to know someone without having a sexual relationship quickly is not only different for me- but that I am really enjoying it. Touching and being touched without rushing into sex has made the connection almost electric!

I was diagnosed years ago by symptoms and never had any blood tests- so I went to the DR Wednesday and had the tests. I assume I have HSV2 only- but next week will know definitively -

In the meantime our bond becomes stronger and I am hopeful that he will get past his fears and that we can become lovers as well as friends.

Thank you again for this amazing support.

[Bulagal]

Update..... he has decided that he can not deal with it....he feels that he would always be worried about getting it in spite of the statistics-and that we wouldn't be able to really "let go" during sex as a result.

OK I am crushed...but I will be OK..I know that there is a reason this happened-

but now I am scared to death to disclose again. Recently an old friend from school days has asked me out...and I want to go out with him-but the fear of disclosing and being rejected again is sooo frightening.....

[Aerial2013]

Adrial has a youtube video about H as a relationship "filter"...the more I read posts like this, the more real it becomes. I am truly sorry that this man apparently doesn't see himself being with you apart from sex. While you feeling crushed makes perfect sense to me, I can also see how this man would have been the wrong companion, let's say...if a car accident, surgery or other trauma robbed your sex life for real. These realities put it in perspective for me sometimes, you know?!

[WCSDancer2010]

EXACTLY Aerial!!!

 

And what makes me sad is these folks who walk away really don't get it that they will likely get exposed to the virus by someone who either doesn't know they have it or who will not be honest. We are, in a way, a better "risk" IMO because we can take antivirals and such to keep it under control. But you can't make the blind see the obvious....

 

So sorry he walked away Bulagal - but don't give up hope. If you need a break before you date again, just tell the other guy that you need that time to regroup (Its the perfect excuse to slow things down anyway!) . Maybe you can just go on a few casual dates, let him get to know YOU without the pressure of getting physical. Don't worry about "the talk" just yet. It's too soon to worry about that anyway, so why let it take up headspace? The guy may turn out to be a total spaz and you may not get anywhere near to having the talk with him anyway, ya know?

 

(((HUGS)))

[Bulagal]

Thank you Ladies-

This site has been such a blessing.

And yes- he likely isn't the right partner for me...

I saw something the other day that read

"This- Or something better is now manifesting in my life"

Just about the time I was feeling totally rejected!

So I hang in there!

Much Love

Terri