How I overcame the hate!

[childofstars]

My story is a long one, so I'll shorten it as much as I can. I had a close group of best friends, it was me, another girl and 3 other boys. We spent every single living moment together, but downfall of it all was the girl had control over all of us. Everyone she met she manipulated them into liking her and doing what she wanted. Eventually, after about three years, one night I told her I didn't want to sneak her into my house because my parents would find out. It caused them all to gang up on me. She and her mom got evicted and she had either the choice to stay with her grandma another town over or stay here homeless, so it wasn't my fault or anything. Anyway, they came to my house a day later and listed everything that was wrong with me, told me they needed time away from me, and that basically I was dumb and a bunch of other stuff you'd never want to hear from people you consider your brothers and sister almost. I was really depressed for a while, and I hit up an ex boyfriend I dated in the previous year, me and him got together and ended up having sex. It was the first time I had un-protected sex, and I was infected with HVS2 virus.

 

I didn't know I had it for about 2 months, a friend told me that the guy that infected me had something (at the time I had no idea that I could possibly have something) because the mother of his child had told her she got something from him. I immediately went to the doctors, they checked me out, the tests didn't test me for herpes, or HIV, so I thought I didn't have anything. I went a long with my life, still very depressed, joined a protest and started dating a guy 13 years my senior ( I was 18 at the time), he was a mess, heroin addict, mental illnesses...I don't know what I was thinking, but I wanted to be loved, I felt so abandoned, so hopeless, I had no body but these weirdos from the protest. After the first time the 31 year boyfriend and I had sex I started having intense pain. This time I went to the doctors again. Without any emotion my doctor just looked up at me and said "it looks like you have herpes". I was devastated, I threw my shoe at the door screaming to call my sister. Nobody comforted me at the office, they just whispered back and forth to one another. I was at the doctors by myself, I walked there from my house and had to walk all the way back with a broken boot. My sister was at work and came and got me later to buy the medication and to console me, my sister is my hero, but she had to take care of so much that she couldn't help me as much as she wanted.

 

Before this I was also charged with stealing some clothes from a store with my friend. Everything was piling up. I opened up to my ex boyfriend/best friend, who was also friends with the friend group that abandoned me. I called him crying to come see me, he rode his bike to my house in the middle of the night. Soon as I saw him I collapsed to my knees balling my eyes out and told him everything that had been happening. He held me and started crying too. I thought I had one person who understood.

 

I messaged the guy who infected me, the first thing he tells me is that he doesn't want anything to do with me, and insults me. I explain to him that he needs to call me, because what I had to tell him is important. I called him, told him I had herpes and he was the only possible person that could have given it to me, he was just like "Oh, yeah, I'll get that checked out".... Which makes me think that he already knew.My boyfriend at the time said he didn't care if he had it, but he was a mess anyway so it probably didn't matter. My ex boyfriend ended up telling the group that abandoned me, and with that things went further and further downhill. I got phone calls from people asking if I had a STD, I got so much hate, and so little support. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me, and that destroyed me even more. I hated myself, everything everyone was telling me was that I was not good enough, I was dumb, I messed up, I'll never be as good as them. Every SINGLE person betrayed me, except my family.

 

I came downstairs and sat on my parents bed. I just poured out everything that had been happening to me. How I lost all my friends, my boyfriend, how I got caught stealing, how I had got herpes, how I've been getting harassed... And thank god for my parents, without them I would have probably killed myself. That time period I thought about doing it every single second of every single day. The pain was so deep that I felt it in every part of my body that sometimes I could barely stand. The only relief I could have was in my sleep, which made me want to die even more.

 

These people are still around, though I dont talk to them anymore at all. I'm doing excellent now, that was two years ago. I went to job corps, and now I'm in college, I have a job, car, and amazing boyfriend of almost a year now. He's hepatitis C positive, so we have good grounds to relate. I love him so much, and my new friends are great. Can anyone relate to my story? I was infected very young, and I still get harassed sometimes. I know now that Planned Parenthood is a great program for sexual education and they were the people actually told me which herpes HVS I had. My other doctors did not even tell me which strain it was. I tell myself now when I feel down that with every pain there's a relief! Things never stay bad, they always get better, even if it takes a long time.

[WCSDancer2010]

Childofstars: I am so touched by your story, your courage, and how well you have moved on from the shame and hate. And Welcome. So glad to have you with us here.

 

(((HUGS)))