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Ekkk! Not sure if I should have done this...but I needed a little more closure

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While being what I have been calling "rejected" I didn't have much to say, but now having time to reflect I wrote this email to the guy:


"I am not writing this because I am trying to change anything, it is mostly for my own piece of mind. I realize the way that I disclosed my skin condition is not actually, how I feel about it. I disclosed it the way I did out of the fear of how I thought you would take it, which is exactly how you took it. I knew you were a highly anxious person, so I get this is something you can’t handle. You are right, if you’re that anxious, even if it wasn’t this now it would be something else down the line.


For some reason I gave into the stigma the virus has. For the record, having the virus has not been life ending and it really rarely affects my life. I am not ashamed, but I had a feeling how this was going to end, so I was definitely scared about being that vulnerable with you. The reality is I actually have a higher chance of getting pregnant while being on birth control and using condoms; than passing this along to you with the suppressive therapy and use of condoms as further protection.


I was caught off guard by your call on Friday and needed to have a bit of closure on this myself."


I do feel better having said my peace. I just sat there on the phone and said I understood as he was breaking things off. I didn't even say what I was really feeling.


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Ok, so here is the reply he sent: "I'm truly sorry I made you feel that way. I do understand a little how that can feel, but I'm sure it's more hurtful than I can truly understand.


I had a sense that it wasn't going to work out in the long run, in part due to my own shit and in part because my sense is that we were incompatible, but probably more due to me being scared of getting hurt. I am not rejecting you because you have the skin condition; I (1) know myself and thought I couldn't handle it with enough maturity to try and explore our compatibility, so that's on me, and (2) I was afraid to invest time and energy in to another relationship that I thought wasn't going to work out, so I thought it better to head things off ahead of time. Right now, I'm sensitive to getting hurt and don't want to invest any more time in a relationship that I sense isn't going to work out. Trust me, the more important part to me was that my sense is that we were incompatible, and I'm afraid to take the risk to get involved with someone who I'm sensing it isn't going to work out with deep enough to truly explore that, even if I'm wrong.


I do hope we can be friends. I really do. But I understand if you don't want to be. You let me know."


To which I wrote back: "Wow, I thought things were going great. I didn't get the incompatibility. I enjoyed getting to know you and your imperfections and vulnerabilities. I misjudged the situation completely. Your explanation is confusing to me, but like I said, I am not trying to change your mind and since you told me having the virus was too much for your anxiety, I took your word for that being the reason and just needed to say what I had to say. If it is something more than that, it is what it is and you can't force yourself to feel something that is not there. I do wish you the best of luck getting through what it is you need to get through!

We can be friends. Just not the kind that talk or hangout ;) .


Now my thoughts: So what the hell does this mean?! I'm so confused because we were getting along so famously and he was all excited to hangout all weekend and then we have the talk and all of the sudden we are incompatible?! WTF!!! I see two things I don't want to get hurt and I am not mature enough to handle your virus, but I'm going to call it a compatibility thing because I see what an asshole breaking up with you over the virus reason is and this way I don't look like the douche I am. This guy sucks, now that my brain figured it out, I just need my heart to do the same!! Still feel a little raw...I'll get over it!


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Ya know, I have had several situations that were very similar - I thought things were going great and as soon as they found out they ditched. Both times H did me a favor because it showed me those guys were not ready or able to be the man I want in my life.....


One did finally admit that one of the main issues was his fear of getting it from me. That guy was pretty high maintenance - spent hours looking online for the latest reviews of skin care items and such to keep his looks and such. So I can see where any possibility of something that might "disfigure" (in his mind) his body would scare the crap out of him. To be honest, we were likely not compatible so H did me a favor there.


The other guy was really rebounding and had a LOT of baggage and health issues to get through (that he was unaware of until we started dating and it all came up for him). Again, H just showed that he was not ready for a relationship and better to learn early than late.


Here's what I have found ... once you start having sex, it seems the hormones keep us from thinking clearly. I know I for one will ignore a lot of the warning signs that a guy may not be ideal for me once I get intimate because by the time I get to that point I am really hoping this one is "the one" and I don't want to have to start over.


Now mind you, it's also a proven scientific fact that a man's circulatory system cannot supply blood to both heads at the same time.. :P ..


So I'm guessing that he could well have been truly enjoying his time with you, while ignoring things about the relationship that would probably not work for him in the long run... or at least, as he said, he is not ready to risk investing the time and emotions to work through those things when he feels it likely won't work out for him in the long run. I think he was actually being honest with you ... this was not about the Herpes - this is about his fear of commitment and the possibility of getting hurt and the H just made him stop and realize that. IE: He's just not ready for the kind of relationship that YOU want.


So now you are available for the right man to get into your life... or at least to go to your next "learning experience". As the saying goes, sometimes you have to meet a bunch of the wrong men in order to truly appreciate it when the right one comes along"




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Thank you WCS, it is hard to analyze situations when you are in them sometimes. I am glad we didn't have sex. I am tired of sharing my body with people who could take or leave me, I made a promise to never do it again because I respect and love myself too much. The H, really helps filter those guys out! This was a major learning experience because if I had slept with him when the "hormones" were going and he wanted to, I would really regret to then find out the whole time he was just thinking we were incompatible. You are so right, this is not the guy I want in my life, I thought he was, but when it comes down to it he is not. This experience made that clear.


When you wrote this, "this is about his fear of commitment and the possibility of getting hurt and the H just made him stop and realize that." it makes much more sense to me. I now see that is what he was trying to say, but he said it in a much more confusing way ;)


As for, "Now mind you, it's also a proven scientific fact that a man's circulatory system cannot supply blood to both heads at the same time.. .. " Hahahahaha! Sometimes you wonder!

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WCS summarized the situation beautifully and gave great insight. The only thing I can add is - I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I'm sure almost everyone on this forum can understand, to some extent, what you are going through. The sudden disappearance, the sense of rejection. I applaud your courage in contacting him for clarification and I hope that gave you some closure. Mostly, I am writing to tell you that you are not alone, that you are not crazy for feeling the way you do, and that I am sending you a big Internet hug. You're a brave, strong woman - now go out there and find a man who deserves you.

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I think you did a great job being respectful and trying to educate him in the liklihoods of transmission. I also think it would have been easier for u to contract hpv from him than him contracting hsv from u. And just think u were into him enough to look beyond that "warts and all" yet he couldn't look past a few fever blisters or ingrown loomim hairz that pop up from time to time. Good riddance to the guy i say.

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Peach, I also found it ironic that he has the HPV strand that causes warts and expected me to be fully understanding, but when it came time to reciprocate that same understanding it was not there. I know there are a million reasons why this is for the best, it just still sucks. I see how the H was a mirror for both of us.


I have had a couple positive disclosures that came with much understanding and was treated it like a small detail in the bigger picture (including a doctor, who couldn't have cared less). I am proud of myself for 1. Disclosing, when it is easier not to, which is for my own self respect if nothing else.... 2. I am not willing to settle on the first guy that is ok with the virus just because I fear being rejected because of the virus. 3. I think after 5years I finally get it!!


I've already been asked on two dates, by two very nice guys since Friday night, but this gal needs an indefinite break!!

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Good for you!


And BTW, I decided to experiment with putting my H status on my OKCupid profile (as of yesterday) and I have already had a guy who actually read everything ask me out on a date... didn't expect a "positive" result that fast but there you have it.


I'll keep yall updated about where that goes but I thought I'd pass that on to you :)

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WCS Wow! Just putting it out there from the get go!...I am not there yet. I really appreciate you all for your responses. I think I would be having a much harder time with this if I didn't have a place to go and vent with people who get it, but also see the positive stories of how it can workout! This was my first negative response, which I think I needed in order to get my poop in a group.


I feel like this experience and finding this forum has truly transformed me and my thinking for the better. Things don't feel like the curse I thought I had even a week ago!

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I put what I posted on my "closet" thread... here:




Its an unusual way to go about it... but i had thought about it and I was approached by a friend who saw my coming out post on FB who said he had a friend years ago who did that and he had a number of women contact him and thank him for his honesty and it seemed to be successful for him so I figured, what the hell? At least I won't waste time on anyone whose first instinct is to run.


It will be interesting to see how it all pans out. LOL

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Thank you Sabrina for your post and everyone for your responses, as I just recently went through the same thing. He was fine with everything at first but after much thought told me his life was far to busy for a relationship, which I took as he couldn't deal with the H. I took it very hard and personal but told him I respected his choice. My discloser went fine and we even dated for awhile after wards and were intimate.


I am glad you got some closer, it always helps to be able to move forward. :) I thought about sending him something as well but since it's been over a month I think that ship has sailed. Moving on......

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Pretty Cute: Moving on is right! Like others have said on here, everyone has their deal breakers, including myself. H forced him to decide if he was in or out and he chose out. It is hard to know when to tell someone, but ultimately I don't think there would have been a right time for this guy, he was very neurotic and I am not sure if that was because he had a lot of shit going on in his life or a way of life.


WCS: I love the updates! Keep them coming!

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Haha, so this guy has been sending me random messages here and there the last couple of days, which have been childish in nature, like he is mad at me for having herpes?! (even though he has HSV-1 and a history of wart causing HPV) I didn't put him at any risk physically, so he can't be mad that I exposed him and we were taking things very slow emotionally as well. I've now come to realize what a baby he is and he actually did me a favor.


Additionally, on date 3 he wanted to go down on me while knowing he has HSV-1, which I didn't know. Had I not already had herpes, I could have contracted it from him because I probably would have let him that night. However, I was trying hard to protect him from me that night and without knowing I was protecting myself! Here is an example of the H-Opportunity we speak of, this virus has made me respect myself and body more than ever and even more importantly showed me how to PROTECT myself!

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WOW.... takes all sorts, eh?


Have you pointed out to him that he can and likely WILL pass on his HSV1 to someone unless he starts to take precautions/antivirals? That 50% of the new Genital Herpes cases are from HSV1? AND, now that he is informed, as has been pointed out, he *could* get sued if he gives it to someone because he now knows the facts about HSV1? (Not that we want to encourage it, but it IS a reality in some states)


Funny how people can justify poor behavior like that. And how you keep getting a more clear picture of who he is thanks to H. ;P

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