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Dee

New girl with herpes

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Hello everybody ! First of all i want to say wow this site has made me feel so much better i found this site while going through a bad stage and am very gratefull :) ..... So heres my story --

 

I have been with my boyfriend 6 years now we recently moved to a foreign country together which was great :) 2 months into our trip i found out i had hsv1 on genital area , we know how it happened and when, we met eachother when we were young and were silly and here we are !! Being in a foreign country as you can imagine i was very lonely and my boyfriend seemed not to care as much as he should have , 3 months later i had to fly home because my dad passed away, along with that kind of stress came a nice outbreak to top it off . I soon moved back too where we moved too .

 

I can see our relationship failing and i am terrified of dating with herpes.

 

I am a bit desperate to talk to people who understand , any advice would be greatly appreciated .

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Three quarters of people have HSV1, most have it orally (on their mouth) where they shed the virus around 15% of the time. Those who have it genitally shed the virus 1% of the time, unless they are one of the unlucky few who get recurrent outbreaks, then it becomes a slightly different situation. But in our society we consider oral HSV "just a cold sore" and nobody mentions it prior to having sex, and that's considered totally acceptable. On the other hand, those who have GHSV1 are for some reason expected to have "the talk" before having sex! Why? They are more that 1500% less likely to transit the virus!

 

I'm calling bullshit on this one. This is a huge double-standard that is perpetuating the (h) stigma. Sorry if I offend anyone by saying this, but if I had GHSV1 and was outbreak free I wouldn't tell anyone. It's everywhere.

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Whhhaat ?? No i would have to tell a possible partner , because it might be a smaller chance of passing it on but there is still a chance , i would not want to make someone feel the way i feel right now . I am aware hsv2 is worse than hsv1 and that hsv1 shedding percentage is lower but it is still H and you still need to be careful .

You have not affended me , im just a bit shocked that you would not tell a partner , isnt that why some of us are in this situation ?? People not being open ?

 

 

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While I totally get what you are saying, I don't agree. H is H, as Dee above says. My original HSV2 infection was 25 yrs ago, didn't know I had it for years, so can accept that whoever I got it from didn't know he had it; though I'm certain I was using a condom at the time, never have had it internally. Now so far down the track, I only ever get an episode when my body has a message for me, I go years between incidents; when I get the message, the episode heals very quickly. BTW I think calling it an "episode" rather than an "outbreak" or "attack" gives your nervous system a kinder message. I was rejected a few months ago for the first time ever by a guy because of H; and it struck me then how weird it is that we could have a fullon makeout session for nearly an hour without anyone saying, by the way do you get cold sores? then get rejected for having H genitally. Makes NO sense to me....especially in these days when oral sex is now normal.....but back to you, Canadian Guy. All prospective lovers deserve your respect, it's their call whether they want to be exposed once you do know, in my reckoning of what feeds my own self respect.

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Sorry Dee, I know this discussion isn't why you came to this board. Regardless, I will clarify my point, do you think everyone who had gotten a cold-sore in their life should disclose before having sex? If so, do you think this is a reasonable expectation? If not, how is GHSV1 and different than OHSV1? Three-quarters of everyone on planet earth has HSV1. Those who have it on their face are the ones passing it on genitally in more than 97% of cases, yet for anyone who has it on their face it's "just a cold-sore". Stop and think about that. This being said, I don't have type 1, this isn't an issue for me, but I just think society needs to rethink Herpes 1 and it has to start with us. Food for thought.

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Canadiaguy i agree with what your saying about oral herpes but because its not oral It still has that stigma around it , people dont know enough about H . Me personally i would just tell my partner . I supose im just too worried about what people will think , which im sure ill soon get over . Hopefully !

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I would personally tell who ever I was going to have any sexual contact with what I have !!! Because I wish the person who gave it to me would have warned me .... Worst feeling ever dated him for 8 months and never new until I got it ... not fair to me

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So agree with you; but also we must ask, it's our equal responsibility to ask about sexual history. If we don't ask the question there are people who won't mention it, but wouldn't lie if asked outright. Essential pre sex discussion, even for young ones. Preferably before getting even close to sex, but that's probably expecting too much lol...

 

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My question is..if it's not a big deal but it could affect the health of someone you care about why wouldn't you tell them??? I was with my ex husband for 28 years, he had HSV1 orally and I never got it, despite enjoying oral sex from him for all that time. I didn't know I could get it genitally from him..not sure how I would have dealt with that if I had. He was unfaithful and gave me genital warts...very common but I contracted a high risk cancer strain...so abnormal smears for 10 years on and off, was scary.

 

I know that HSV is not generally a health risk but the first 6 months for me were awful, I had constant OB's, felt ill and it cost me a lot of money to get on top of it. I knew the risk I was taking with my HSV2 positive partner, if he hadn't told me at the beginning I would have lost all trust with him like I did with my ex husband being so irresponsible and risking my health. I struggle with any suggestion you do not disclose..yes society has to rethink it and it does start with us being honest and caring enough about anyone we get naked with to tell them and educate them. I'm glad you are just calling bullshit on this one CGuy...might have been kinder to address the struggle Dee is going through though.

 

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of that Dee, I'm glad you are happy you found this site, its pretty positive and I am glad I am here too. Don't hand too in a failing relationship if you think it is not good for you...and don't worry about anyone new yet. You need to grieve for your dad and the relationship. Get out and do things you love...try new things and when you meet someone you feel you need to disclose to...read the e book here and follow its advice - disclosing is never easy but it weeds out guys who won't be good for you. x

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I have posted here but im not sure if there coming up :( lelani thank thats lovely advice and greatly appreciated , you have been through alot lelani as we all have , we are all so strong and amazing people whoever would not want us doesnt deserve us <3

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Exactly Dee...remember that everytime you feel down or want to disclose to someone. When you tell someone you are giving them the opportunity to be more of who they are and if they can't they don't deserve you, because in the telling you are being the best you can be :-)

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