do I have to disclose herpes EVERY time?

[paulgosha]

Since the H bug came along, there has been ZERO interest in sex. This was my longest "sex strike" in my entire adult life (7 months fml). Last night I unexpectedly broke this strike. I was as safe as I possibly could have been, but didn't disclose to her... I can't help but feel guilty. Like I said, I was SAFE, but still feel like I did something wrong.

Is it possible for us to have casual sex, even if we're safe?

[mr_hopp]

Hey Paul,

 

I think you'd call that your integrity and conscience kicking in, bro. ;) Yes, I do personally believe it's not only the right thing to do as far as integrity and honesty goes, but also for our own ability to live with ourselves. All of us have morals. For some, they are more numbed out and easier to ignore than others. Your feelings of guilt are signalling to you that you are quite in touch with them. That's ultimately a good thing. And you get to use the feelings of guilt to determine how you're going to move forward with this from a place of integrity.

 

And hey, is there such a thing as "casual" sex? I don't believe so. Sex is the most intimate physical act there is. The least we can do is also get on the same page as far as safety is concerned. If we're wanting to be physically intimate, I'd love to also see there being emotional/moral intimacy thrown in there, too. Even if it is only for one night. It's common decency for such an intimate act.

 

Also, don't you want to make sure she doesn't have something else you could get, too, to add to your STD collection?

 

Herpes has a great way of slowing us down enough to connect as human beings before we just bang it out. It's certainly my personal preference to at least be connected with the person I'm about to have sex with. Otherwise, I'd just masturbate. ;)

 

So how do you feel about telling her now after the fact?

 

Here are some other conversations we've had about this topic:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1741/do-i-have-to-tell-that-i-have-herpes/p1

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1907/i-never-want-to-disclose-herpes-to-partners/p1

[WCSDancer2010]

Paul:

 

Define "Safe".... I assume you mean you used a condom. And are you on supressive therapy? Assuming you are - there is still a 2-3% chance you can pass it to the girl. Remember, us women are more that twice as likely to get it as you guys.....

 

And just because you have casual sex doesn't mean that disclosure will make the other person walk away... and our friend thisisgoingtobeokay (previously defeatedbuttrying) proved last week ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it-#Item_19

 

And remember, YOU got it from someone who wasn't honest and open with you. What would you say to the person who passed it to you?

[paulgosha]

thanks for the input. I realize the post made me come of as kind of shallow and maybe even a little careless and sleezy, that's not me. i've been waiting for the 'right one" since my ex and I broke it off, and had planned on being fully honest and disclosing when the time presented itself.

 

Since i found out my I had H, i pretty much cut myself off from everyone besides my kids and direct family. That being said, maybe i wasn't ready to be out socializing just yet, because my other brain got the best of me... i hate that i now have to tell her because i dont even know her. Wait, that just made me sound even MORE sleezy. Damn... It was a rare situation where a friend of a friend and I were in the same place at the same time, we exchanged some "looks" and she basically told me to take her in the other room,so i did.

 

WCSdancer, you're right, i think about how the girl that gave it to me being so selfish and careless EVERY DAY and couldn't imagine doing that to someone else.

 

Adrial, Your words are always inspirational to me. I love this group! i know i barely post on here but i read it almost every day!

 

Also, Adrial, masturbating only helps for so long lol.

[WCSDancer2010]

Paul - I didn't see you as sleezy - just ...as someone said of the guy who gave it to her - "wanting to feel normal" again.

 

I figured you wouldn't ask if you didn't REALLY know the answer... you just needed to have it confirmed about what you need to do now ;)

 

And it isn't just guys who can't think with both heads at the same time... women do it too ... freakin hormones get us ALL in trouble. It's how most of us ended up on here :D

[paulgosha]

^^lol yea i guess she was thinking with her other "brain" too^^

Wanting to be normal DEFINITELY has a big part of it!!!! Plus, i never got the "rebound" out of the way. I had someone i was close to a few months ago, before i found out i had it and pushed her away after the visit to the clinic. Then disclosed to her before i found this site and knew how to properly do so, and got rejected. But, oh well. I can't say i wouldn't have did the same. Oh yea, and i meant "safe" as in, no O.B. and she had NO direct contact with my junk, until i put the condom on. I'm not on any meds though, they make me too tired/dizzy/nauseous and kinda weird in the head. just a multi vitamin and trying to stay healthy.

[WCSDancer2010]

OK so without supressive meds and with a condom - that makes it a 5% risk for her. Just FYI...

 

Sooo ... what would you want her to do if it was the other way around?

[paulgosha]

yes i would. I'm just scared she will put my business all out in the streets ... Does that 5% take into consideration that the condom may have broken?? Or is that WITH proper use of a condom? Like i said, she had ZERO contact with my thang thang at all, and my OB always happen in the same spot, right below the "helmet" i guess you would call it. So, if that area was completely unexposed, is it still a possibility of passing it on?

[paulgosha]

zero *direct contact i meant

[WCSDancer2010]

5% with proper use - if condom breaks, you go back to 10%

 

I can't say if you may be shedding in other areas - that's why I keep saying Herpes is a slippery bugger... because it doesn't play by any clear rules...

 

And tough love warning here: You should have thought about the possibility of here putting your status out to everyone before you let the wrong head get in charge ... ;)

 

And what if the condom had broke?

 

AND - I know you will learn from this experience...... because you sound like a guy who really doesn't want to spread this around :)

[paulgosha]

These are things I thought of AFTERWARDS... truth be told, I think I didn't really take all that into consideration till then because I had been trying to convince myself that I COULD be "normal" again. It was definitely a learning experience though.

guess I have to get her a hold of her. Thanks guys

[WCSDancer2010]

Hey - we are all human beings, being human. What makes us beautiful is when we acknowledge when we screwed up and be do what we can to get back into integrity.

 

(((HUGS)))