Guilty about a possible late herpes disclosure

[inspired32]

All of this talk has been making me feel a tad confused lately. I began seeing a guy casually (10 months ago: isn't my thing nor was my choice) but I really liked him and knew that being with him as a hookup was the way I get to keep seeing him. We have never had intercourse because I only really believe in that when there is a commitment involved; however I did perform oral sex on him. I have not let him go down on me because I have herpes type one genitally. He does not know I have herpes. He was graduating and I still have this year of college ahead of me. Now that he graduated I thought we wouldn't talk but he is acting like he still wants to hook up. I feel I have known him for a long time now and that he wouldn't run from me if he knew but it would be a silent rejection. I am feeling very guilty now if I see him again because I have not disclosed to him and it isn't fair. I feel I have kept him safe and he is not my boyfriend nor will he probably ever be so is it worth it to tell him?

 

I know this is an add on but just saw my giver is officially in a relationship with another girl on Facebook. That is hard, but I know I can't hate him. I am trying to date too but makes me feel scared for that girl and just overall shitty. :(

[mr_hopp]

It was great to just talk with you on the phone just now! Just to sum up here on the forums for everyone else to read, what you're talking about here is a slight grey area around who discloses what, who has the "safer sex" conversation? Technically both people should be bringing up that chat whether or not they have an STD. And sometimes you slip, like what you're referring to here. And the key here is to learn from your slip and remember that for next time. Avoid beating yourself up about it, especially since it was such a minor transgression: There is such a low possibility that your genital HSV-2 somehow traveled to your mouth to expose him to herpes via oral sex. That's just such a slim chance as to be practically impossible.

 

Sounds like you were as safe as you could be by not allowing him to go down on you nor have sex. You going down on him is the grey area. Since you have HSV-2 only in the nether regions and HSV-2 doesn't take up residents in the oral region, you going down on him is technically quite safe as far as he's concerned. And what you spoke to on the phone is a good thing to reiterate: Who knows what he might have to give you! By not having the disclosure conversation, you're assuming he doesn't have anything. Even giving him a blowjob could have given you HPV in your throat or any number of other STDs that are transmissible orally. Even HIV can be transmitted that way if you have any sort of cut in your mouth and he has any sort of cut on his penis. So having the safer sex conversation is just a great way for everyone to stay as safe as possible and be on the same page. Having the disclosure chat isn't just keeping your potential partner safe, it might actually be saving you from getting something else and building an bigger STD collection. ;)

 

And regardless of the risk levels, it's clear that your conscience and integrity are having you stress out about that simple blowjob. So you're finding something out very important about where your own line in the sand is. You're finding out that next time you probably won't give a casual blowjob, for your sake just as much as his! Since we can't take that time machine back in time, all we can do is learn from what we do and make better choices next time. And if we feel we stepped on somebody else's foot, we try to make it right with them by being as honest as we can be.

 

As far as moving forward with this, if you find out that both of you are interested in going further with a long-distance relationship, then be honest. Something along the lines of this:

"Now that we're going to try a deeper relationship, I wanted you to know something that's hard for me to say, but I feel is important that you know: I have herpes. And know that it was a hard decision to make to not have told you sooner. I chose to not tell you, keep it casual and keep you as safe as I could by not letting you go down on me or have sex. The risk of transmitting HSV-2 orally are so low, but I still feel guilty about not having told you earlier. I decided against it since it was clear that we were having such a casual fling of a relationship and we never really got into anything serious."

 

Or something like that. :) Whatever it is, speak whatever is true for you. Keep in mind, the fact that you are even having this discussion now, even when you feel that you might have messed up, shows your dedication to upholding your integrity. And having this discussion might just open up the door for the two of you to have your first real, vulnerable conversation, which builds a nice foundation for an honest and real relationship.

 

Much love, inspired32. Keep us updated on how this goes ...

[inspired32]

Thank you so much! I loved talking with you too, you have a way with your words and having a very positive effect on my feelings. I just wanted to clear up that I actually have herpes type one on my genitals. I think that makes a slight difference when it comes to passing it on and shedding. I will probably be seeing him soon so I will update what happens !

[inspired32]

I also wanted to thank you over the phone and forgot- but I took your advice from the last conference call in July and whenever I see my giver's car drive by I say "bless your heart" and smile. It is much better than allowing my blood to boil and really has helped a lot! I now add in bless your heart and your girlfriend :) hehe

[mr_hopp]

"Bless your heart" is such a southern thing to say. You are really practicing your southern belle status. ;)

 

And I'm glad that compassion is working for you over resentment. You know, just the other night I was talking with my dad about the Herpes Opportunity weekend workshop coming up, talking about how common it is for people who got herpes to resent the partners who gave it to them. He told me something I had never considered: The word "resentment" literally means to feel over and over again: "re-sentiment" ... And we are choosing to feel this negative feeling over and over again when we have a choice to feel something else that would be healthier and more productive for us in the long term.

 

And here's the profound metaphor my dad offered me: Resenting someone else for doing something to us isn't just practicing the disempowering victim mentality, it's like taking shots of poison over and over again and expecting the other person to die. That really struck me ... By us resenting, we're only poisoning ourselves with negativity. The other person is oblivious to us resenting them. It's not retribution or "getting them back" ... It's simply continuing to give them power that they don't deserve and bringing us down in the process. So I vote for us taking our power back and learning from our past instead of dwelling on it. Sounds good to me. ;)

[lelani]

I love this thread and I think the practice of blessing whoever you are resentful towards is on of the best pieces of life advice EVER for ANYTHING! I used to say 'bless you' now I will add heart...its lovely. I had a family meeting this week to confront my parents for their resentment towards my ex (yes he did a lot of things that hurt me only I chose forgiveness) as its affecting their relationship with my kids. Only they don't get it...somehow their anger is still justified so they keep on feeling it...I pointed out that its not about the ex...its about them showing the best they can be and choosing healthy emotions. No matter what, it is about choice...our givers were just part of our life stage and have given us the opportunity to grow our character to something strong and light. It really is our choice...and forgiveness is what gives you power. Thanks Hopp :-) x and inspired I am so happy you sound lighter and are practicing blessing :-)

[inspired32]

Just this past weekend the guy I mentioned I was "seeing" since last october came to visit me and his friends on campus. The first night he was here it was a party scene and people were around so I waited until that next morning after hooking up (like we usually do-still did not have him go down on me or have sex) to talk to him about where we stood. Everything went very well that night he seemed very into me and excited to be around me. That next day I brought up my feelings and asked him to tell me how he is feeling so I would know the reasons he even came to see me- if what we have is ever going to progress past a "friends with benefits" dynamic. He had nothing to say, could not express any emotions unfortunately. I knew then it was going to end. Later I spent that day with him and friends at a pool party and went out with him again that night, but he did not even kiss me or try to do anything. I brought up to him again (this time over the computer) how he feels and he FINALLY tells me he doesn't want a relationship. I told him I do not want to hook up with him anymore and want to only be friends. I will spare details but the main gist is that I did not feel in my heart that I myself would even want to date him let alone him date me. I cannot be with someone who cannot share emotions on an intimate, deep and serious level. Therefore, I am relieved I have never disclosed to him and now feel liberated and even more excited to meet an amazing guy to know when it is right to disclose. To those especially new to herpes, it is amazing how this virus did allow me to weed out this bad guy who was not right for me. In the end, even though without herpes he was closed off and never wanted a relationship, I still knew in my heart he wasn't worth disclosing to since he did not want a deeper connection. Herpes forced me to realize I am looking for a deep connection all together. I feel strong, inspired, and that a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I now feel ready to put myself out there because I know what I deserve and what I could potentially have.

[inspired32]

I am posting in this same thread so I do not need to repeat the scenario about this guy. Since then I have gone on a few dates with other guys, hooked up (made out) with some and moved on. However, we have remained friends and do talk every week or two. Just recently he informed me he is coming back to town this upcoming weekend for a concert. He wants me to go with him and is starting to talk dirty to me again and made it clear he wants to be with me intimately. The part i am concerned about is, he brought up "want to know something i have never told you before... i have always wanted to eat you out" this made me go uh oh... and lose my excitement because obviously there is a reason i have not let him go down on me. we are not exclusive or in a relationship and are barely even seeing each other. however, i have known him for a year now and we both keep coming back to one another. i do trust him and there were a few times i have come close to disclosing and wanted to so badly but didn't because he did not want anything serious with me and i felt it wasn't the right situation to bring up that i have herpes. What i would like to know is it appropriate to bring it up this time? i feel like i have been hiding from him for so long and it would explain to him why i never let him go down on me. if i did disclose it will probably relieve me in seeing a guy's reaction, but at the same time it could backfire since we are not even "seeing each other really" anymore. it almost feels like this is gods way of getting me to disclose by giving me this opportunity i am confused and would like some advice. Also, i would not be disclosing to have sex or for a purpose other than my own relief and acceptance.

[Kaande05]

Personally I wouldn't hook up with him or even let him have the decency of knowing something so personal about me if I didn't see myself having a future and a relationship with him. For me if its clearly jut for sex then they arnt worthy of knowing something so intimate ad private.

 

However if you are ok sharing something with someone you may not have a connection with other then a physical one... Then go for it.

[lelani]

Hey Inspired...go for it with disclosing because its not about whether you want to be intimate with him - you're right, its about the opportunity to practice disclosing without having an expectation as to how it turns out. He's someone you trust and you have no expectation of a relationship. Having the courage to tell him is empowering for you - I think you answered your own question about disclosing :-).

[inspired32]

thank you lelani! that was my point exactly and I guess I was looking for some support. I have only a couple girlfriends besides my mom and sister who know and I know if I ask my friends they will say NO. I think it is something I may do for myself and this will also remove the guilt I have had this whole past year of being intimate with him and hiding about it. I spoke on the phone with Adrial about this issue before coming back to school- that was how serious and close I was to disclosing before. Im thinking he always says things like you know I never judge you.. so I was thinking of starting it off with so I know you always you will never judge me and you don't, i appreciate that, and there s something I would like you to know. and then say it. I have been living with this for a year and a half about.. and its almost like im tired of hiding from people!

[inspired32]

this is kind of strange. but I do not believe in coincidences- I am choosing to "hopefully still follow thru with it" disclose to this guy friday which is the first night of the herpes seminar in NC.... the night he happens to be visiting is this very friday- hmmm !

[lelani]

Thinking of you today and sending you strong good disclosure vibes ;-)

[inspired32]

thank you! I wanted to update that I disclosed to him just hours ago this morning. I started out by saying so you still are wondering about that question you had? (the one about why he cant go down on me) and he goes yes and I said ok I will explain to you then- and you also said you would never judge me about anything and I appreciate that and have something to tell you. I have herpes. and his first reaction was oh shit but in a calm tone then because I was nervous I giggled. but I just said to him you can ask me anything about it. I explained how I have type 1 and how its more rare and less likely to spread. Also how I have wanted to tell him a couple times before but didn't because we never got serious but felt that if we are going to keep hooking up he should know. He said thank you so much for telling me. He also asked how it happened and I said he probably doesn't want details but that I got it from the guy I saw before him- not thru intercourse. I was sitting on top of him and he was leaned back and ask I was explaining it he got closer to my face and that made me feel normal because he wanted to be nearer to me while I was being really vulnerable. I told him how everything we have done has been very safe and that if I ever feel anything I just take medicine., etc. He kissed me after and I was just like are you ok with this? and he said yes I am just glad you told me. And I felt good! Only thing is I asked if he gets cold sores and he said never which is unfortunate because if he did he could go down on me ;) Also, I think this made me a tad sad since now he knows something so personal and private about me and still we aren't serious. But on the other hand, I feel almost like I defeated my giver because I told another guy and he accepted it. That makes me feel like my giver did not completely destroy me.

[lively]

Inspired you are inspiring. I honor your courage, your willingness to do this just for you, to get over the fear of disclosure without any expectation for future relationship. Your friend has honored your courage too. It's normal that you would feel sad in having been vulnerable in this way, opened your heart and still no relationship, you wanted one with him from the beginning so this is a normal response and it will pass. On the other side of it is strength, the strength you now have that you can speak the truth of your life and your experience and be accepted. Some accept us, some don't--and this is true of everything in life, H is only one element of a fully lived life. It's a step in reclaiming your power. To even have the thought "my giver did not completely destroy me" is so out of balance, there is more work to do in reclaiming your power. This is a very important step you have taken. Your giver passed on a virus to you. Your body accepted it. End of story. You are totally right, your giver did not destroy you, not completely or even partially. Learning to redefine your emotional reaction to your body's choice to accept the virus is the work to do, and working with Adrial and being here with us will help you do it. What you learn by doing that will be useful for many different situations in all of life.

So if this step makes you feel that your giver did not completely destroy you, it is a major victory in you owning who you are now. Congratulations on taking the risk and moving forward, we all have to do it in our own way, and we do not, and perhaps cannot, do it alone.

[lelani]

I knew it would go well...when I read your post i imagined it happening just like this. It's all about intention and yours was to feel empowered rather that being fearful of rejection. I am so happy for you!!! Yes you have defeated all those feelings towards your giver. That's what is empowering. It doesn't matter that you aren't serious with him...you have created a moment where you both have the opportunity to connect with integrity and honesty...and its a gift for both of you. You can't have that kind of connection without being vulnerable :-)

[inspired32]

one problem I notice I am having- I felt very empowered and still do- which was my point, but now I am extremely emotional I just came home and cried hard to myself. I miss him- and now that I was very vulnerable towards him it is even harder that he is no longer around and that we aren't in a relationship. I know I dont and didnt expect that, but giving him that information was very special and a big deal to me and it was almost as if I had "sex" and gave myself to him. I feel more attached to him on a deeper level and its hard because even though he seemed to accept me- I dont know how he feels now or doubt he feels as deeply about me as I do. It is making me really sad :(