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Changed his mind after a while :(

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Well....I did everything right. I put myself out there. I went on Eharmony, found a great guy. We were a great match. Talked on the phone for hours every night. We finally met after a few weeks. At the end of our first date, he was very interested and it just seemed right to have the talk. I was nervous, but I did it. He thanked me for telling him. In fact, he was even more impressed with me because I was so thoughtful in telling him. Our second date was amazing. We ended up being intimate. He even wanted to "feel" me naturally at first and I said no way. So we used protection. It ended up being an incredible night. We dated and were intimate for 2 months and were intimate at least 10 times.


But then all of a sudden one night he was having performance issues. I worked my magic and it was all fine. But I knew something was up. He said he was going through something and it was nothing I "did." I naively didn't think anything of it. He continued to call every night (we live pretty far so didn't see each other except for every other weekend). I didn't see him for a while. Then long story short one night he said lots of nice things to me, blah, blah, blah. Then he said he wasn't a brave many and that the risk was just too great. The H was in his subconscious and affecting his abilities. He said he needed time and space to think about it. I was completely caught off guard. I literally had forgotten all about my herpes. I was devastated.


I researched and researched and printed up a whole slew of articles. That is how I found this site which is the BEST there is. He knows the stats are low but says there is still a chance. He's scared and says that if we go forward it will be like marrying me. Haha! I know.....I'm trying to move on. I know it will never work.


It's just so sad because we both couldn't believe how much we had in common. He said he'd never met anyone like me. It took a long time for him to find someone like me.


I just feel duped because I did what I was supposed to, he went along and then all of a sudden changed his mind.


Thanks for listening. :)



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Funny - I could have written that a few months ago....very similar scenario. Even the same BS cop-out conversation about how wonderful I am and how he never met anyone like me but he couldn't get over the herpes. In reality, it was a much, much deeper issue.


The thing is, I now see that this guy really wasn't being honest about what he wanted. He *claimed* to want someone who is completely transparent like myself. He was happy to have sex with me and like your guy, wanted the "natural" option even tho he admitted he was scared of the herpes issue. You see, he wanted to "get into" me before he was really "into" me. So as soon as some little doubt entered his mind it started all the other doubts. (in my case, I lived too far for his liking and he was planning to move further away...even tho I made it plain I am ok with moving for the right person). Either way, he chose to walk. And I realized that the Herpes did me a favor. You see, he was rebounding and he wasn't really ready for a relationship (much as he thought/said he was) ... he just wanted someone to release his physical needs (not just sex...cuddling, talking, going out, etc). So I was the Rebound chick ... he was physically attracted to me but not ready for anything emotional and once he stopped to think about things, the herpes "risk" wasn't worth it to him. I can look back and see that we were not a great match (in spite of some awesome dates). So my H friend helped me to cull him from my life before I got in too deep emotionally.


And you know what makes me laugh? That ass will likely get Herpes because I don't think he will be able to stay out of the dating scene for long and I don't see him going through all the time/bonding to get to know someone and go and get tested together ...and likely he will end up with someone who either doesn't know they have it or who outright lies. I told him that in a way, he was SAFER with me because I know my status and I can do things to protect him from getting it. That so many people carry it and pass it and don't know they have it. I swear he is still in denial about that. He kept saying "but I should be able to see it". I kept telling him no, not necessarily. I think he thinks I was lying. Oh well, I tried.


I expect there was something deeper going on for him. The herpes was just an excuse to break it off. The one thing about online dating that I finally figured out - a lot of people on there are either commitment phobic (look at how many in their 40's and 50's have never been married or in a longer term relationship) or they are rebounding. Or they are bat-shit crazy 8-}


This is about HIM and HIS inability to see though his own fears .... who knows what happened. Maybe he met another girl. Maybe he mentioned it to a friend and the friend scared him ( I dated a guy who suddenly got jealous of my dancing ... I'm a Swing Dancer ... because a friend of his said he wouldn't "allow" his GF to dance with other guys ... even tho our first date included him coming to one of our dances and seeing me dance with lots of different guys). You don't know what happened. But I would bet Herpes was not the REAL issue. Perhaps it was a catalyst for him to break it off, but I'm guessing that, given how many times you had been together without any problems, that he had something else going on. So don't take it personally. Don't let it get your down. You will find a better man..... this one was just a practice run for the guy who deserves you :)



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I completely agree with Dancer. Although I can relate to your feelings of sadness and disappointment there has to be more to it than his fear of herpes. I had two relationships before I found out I had herpes. When I got the positive blood result I contacted both guys to let them know and find out if they had any issues in the past with it that they hadn't told me about. They both said that they had not had any issues but both agreed to go in and get a blood test. Both of them were negative for hsv2. What was interesting was that they both were ready to jump back into a relationship with me even though I had this new diagnosis. Even more amazing is that one wanted to sleep with me, get it and share my journey with this virus, the other one proposed marriage and three years later he continues to remind me that he would marry me in a minute (unfortunately I just am not in love with either of them). I think that this guy was ready for something new ( some guys have a short attention span) and used herpes as an excuse.

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I completely agree. I think there must have been more than the scare of getting herpes. Maybe something else.. I don't know what that something else could be, but you will get your chance. Hopefully with someone that is better for you. Someone who is compatible with you. (:


Best of luck!

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Smileandlaugh - Good that you can start to see him more clearly now. I posted this to someone else's discussion but I think it's going to be something I cut and paste in to a LOT of conversations, because so many of us have been there...


Honey - we've ALL been there. I mean, you finally get someone who is in the BALLPARK of what you want and gosh don't we all hope we can turn that base-hitter into Babe Ruth...because the thought of starting all over AGAIN is just too exhausting and painful.... if we are lucky we realize that this guy needs to be put back in the dugout and we get out of the game, but sooo many people stay in those relationships because they fear being alone yet again...... and they lead the life of someone who is not alone, but they are still lonely. You can thank your lucky Herpster friend for getting you out of that one. He's your new Wing-man. Honest. You will be able to sort the jerks and the ones who want to GET into you (but they really are not that "into" you) out of your life.... you will eventually find a guy who loves you, warts, pimples, blisters, and all...promise


Yup - got another base-hitter out of your life. Now you have room for Babe Ruth...or Derek Jeter if he's more to your liking ;)

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"I completely agree with Dancer. Although I can relate to your feelings of sadness and disappointment there has to be more to it than his fear of herpes."


I would disagree with this. I've been dating a girl for a few months now and I made the disclosure and she was fine with it. We started having sex and she wasn't concerned about condoms. I continue to have anxiety issues for fear of passing it onto her. She's a great girl and I could easily see a future with her. But my fear of passing it is making me rethink the whole thing. I continue to create numerous "self fulfilling prophecies" to convince myself it's not gonna work anyway.


So a guy on the receiving (potential) end wouldn't be any different.



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First - glad to meet you!


I have to point this out though... you contradicted yourself...because you say yourself you are setting yourself up for a "self fulfilling prophecy"...So it *could* he the OP's behavior around her fears that created doubts in his head. It *could* be he has a fear of commitment. It *could* be that he has a GF and he was afraid of her finding out (or even worse, catching H and passing it to her). There are so many things that could have caused him to pause and rethink the relationship and whether he wanted to continue or not.


When someone is fine with H and then not, there is usually something else going on. In other words, there is something that is missing for him, or going on for him, that caused him to pause and rethink the relationship. Perhaps H becomes *part* of the issue but if they have got to that point of being with you numerous times without worry or performance issues, and it suddenly starts up, well, it may just be that he realized he wasn't THAT into her and therefore didn't want to continue the relationship. ;)



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I am also scared to pass it on to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is "fine" with it.. I doubt he is actually fine with getting it though. As long as we are safe he says, but me knowing that there is still that chance that I could give it to him, kind of hurts me. But we can't back down. We can't let this control ourselves. We need to be alright with our bodies, with who WE ARE. (:


&& let ourselves be loved the way we should be.

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Honey... EVERYTHING in life comes with a risk. Some larger than others. You get in your car and drive, you walk out in a rainstorm, you work certain jobs... well, there are tons of things that could maim or kill us every day. 99% of the time we dodge the bullet. In many things we can reduce the risks ..you get in your car, you put on a seat belt. You go out in a rainstorm you don't carry a metal umbrella or hid under a nice big tree. You wear a mask, vest, or whatever with certain jobs. With sex, we *should* wear a condom until we are certain of the status of our partner.... but as with a seat belt, a condom is no guarantee that you will come out unscathed.


Now that you have herpes, you KNOW your stats, you KNOW what to do. Your BF knows it too. So you make sure you do what is right for you to get your risk factors down to the point where you are both comfortable with them and then you LIVE YOUR LIFE!


So try this...every time you buckle up for the next week - try worrying about what *might* happen when you leave your driveway. Yeah... it's about as smart as worrying every single time you have sex once you are stabilized and on any meds/condom use ... in both cases the worry gets you nowhere except to the place called Mt. Anxiety.


Do we want our partners to get this...no. But obsessing about it isn't going to get you anywhere. If you live a normal life, you live with risk. This is just one more. Don't make it more than that ;)

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Thanks! Glad I joined in on the forum.


The hypotheticals could go on and on about what it *could* be. And maybe I didn't articulate what I meant well enough. I was leading to the fact that performance anxiety pertaining to these types of things can really feed a man's self criticism. I have dealt with this myself with the fear of transmitting. It really works on your brain. All it takes is one negative thought or doubt and it is a downward spiral... And sometimes for a man it's easier to walk away instead of talking about it or facing it down. Just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I would anyone else.



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True that BillyD.... but usually those doubts come in a LOT sooner in my experience if they are Herpes based. The "other" doubts (ie, habits, lifestyles, etc that the other person exhibits that you realize you may not want to live with) usually come along around the 2-3 month period..... when the bloom is off the rose and your hormones are starting to settle down.... which in turn may magnify the concerns again about the Herpster ;)


"all it takes is one negative thought or doubt and it is a downward spiral... "


Welcome to a woman's world.... not only do we have a smaller target, out brains never shut off :p LOL


And sadly you are right that many will walk away rather than face it.... :(

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