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New to the site...my story..

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I was diagnosed with herpes four years ago right after I had met who I thought was the most amazing man in the universe. We had already been intimate and stupidly did not use protection. I had just finished my "promiscuous" phase, which really only consisted of two men, and I had also been the victim of a sexual assault. Due to the (unfair) stigma surrounding herpes, I assumed that the virus had originated from one of those men, that it was divine "punishment" for my stupidity. Therefore I was thrust into a disclosure situation before I even had a chance to really process what was happening. I disclosed my condition with tears and shame and immediately shouldered all of the blame. He was clearly upset but planted a kiss on my forehead before he left that night. He ended up accepting what was and we began our relationship together. He ultimately contracted the virus.


Several years later, I found out that while we were beginning our relationship AND after my disclosure, he was intimate with his previous girlfriend, several times, also without protection. When I discovered this and realized that not a peep came from her regarding a possible transmission, I realized that it was possible he had been the one to give it to me, which had, somehow, never occurred to me before. I hadn't had a single symptom until after we had slept together. I know herpes can go symptom free and undetected for weeks, months, even years, but what are the odds? I realized that although it is possible he could have slept with his ex several times without protection without transmitting, that those odds were also low. I confronted him about it. He became very defensive and insisted that he had never shown signs of herpes until after he slept with me. Hilariously, that was my main focus...not his infidelity. Then I realized that no matter how I sliced it, he was a jerk. First of all, he cheated. Then, as far as the virus was concerned, he either, A) had sex with me while knowingly infected with the herpes virus, which is jerky enough even if you don't consider the fact he let me beat myself up about giving it to him for years, or B) slept with his ex definitely knowing he had been exposed to the virus and didn't tell her. I can only hope that if this was the case, she did not contract it...how unfair to her.


So, in a nut shell, regardless of where the virus came from, I am now single and have herpes. I have read so many wonderful success stories on this site and you are all so supportive of each other. I am actively searching for my Mr. Right and hope that all of the guidance and support I have seen and will see on this site will help me keep the faith!

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Welcome to the Forum. (: I really appreciate that you came out. I remember when I found out I also did not take the time to clear my head. I told him right away, because ultimately I thought that was something that he should know. He is alright with it although we still have not had sex yet. We want to be on the safe side of things. You came to the right place for moral support !


Yes! He is definitely a jerk for sleeping around on you with his ex. Obviously didn't care about her enough either to wear a condom. You know there is a possibility though, that he didn't know. I am just saying. 80% of people with Herpes don't know they have it.

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I absolutely am familiar with that statistic and I know it is possible that he didn't know when he slept with me IF he was who I contracted it from. Also, like I said, it is totally possible I was the carrier because of my own background. But once I disclosed to him, to not only cheat but knowingly put her at risk...I suppose the fact he was so willing to put her in that position made me think he'd have no problem doing it to me...either way, the trust was soooo blown.


Thank you for the welcome! I appreciate it!

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Hi Greeneyes, and welcome. You'll find nothing but love, support, and encouragement here. Ok, maybe a gentle ribbing or joke or two, but you're in good company.


We've all gone through phases. Some of the people on the forum have so many notches on their bedpost that you'd think they slept with an angry beaver or a chainsaw under their pillow. Others, just one or two. It doesn't matter, we're all here now and no one is going to judge you for your past. After all, we're all here because of our pasts.


Your ex is a bastard. Sorry, but he's the kind of guy that gives us all a bad rep. There's a cardinal rule for those of us who know: Disclose then disrobe. It's a simple rule. Men and Women of honor live by that one rule. As far as I'm concerned, those of us who know are fortunate because we can help protect those we love, and it'll help us find someone who will truly stick with us through thick and thin. If they won't put up with herpes, they won't put up with cancer, bone disease, funny creaking noises our bodies make in the middle of the night as we age. Things like that.


My ex-fling denied, denied, denied. But her eyes betrayed her. It's always in the eyes that you can tell if someone is telling the truth. That's a story a lot of us can relate to just like you. On the bright side, you're a free woman and won't end up 20 years down the road looking back on your life knowing you spent it with a lying, cheating, two timing, no good, yeah, you get the picture.


I'd get in touch with his ex-girlfriend. If only because 80% of people who have this never show symptoms, and if she unknowingly gave it to someone she truly loved, well, that could have long-lasting ramifications in her life that she doesn't deserve. There's always the possibility she doesn't have it, but it's best she take steps to find out.


Single with herpes isn't so bad. It could be worse. You could be married with a 6' tall a-hole. That's a real romance killer.

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Thanks Herry! You are so right in so many ways!


I agree that being single and having herpes isn't so bad. I suppose the hardest part was having what I considered a successful disclosure, a long relationship after the fact, and the idea in my head that I would never have to fret another disclosure ever again. Then again, I see it as a silver lining that I will have the chance (probably more than once) to disclose the right way, that is, confidently and without shame.


Thanks again!

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Like you stated on my post it's crazy how similar our stories are (I'm sure there are plenty others like ours). The site has been helpful not only for informational purposes but it's nice to talk our feeling out with people who are empathic not just sympathetic to the situation. I'll try to keep hope that one day we won't always be single with herpes and can move on with a lives like normal.

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I have up moments and down moments...I have moments where I feel empowered and courageous and moments where I feel utterly dejected and alone. I am sure that is totally normal. Because of my situation and how everything played out, I feel like I was only diagnosed yesterday. It's easy to forget I have been living successfully with herpes for four years. I put SO MUCH stock in how "lucky" I was to be in a relationship with someone else in spite of my diagnosis that I ignored the most important relationship I needed to nourish...the one with myself.


He tried to split hairs on the cheating front, said he really didn't think it should count since he and I were not "official" at the time, and if I really wanted to be a naïve butthead I may have accepted that. But to knowingly expose a partner to herpes without disclosing the situation is a disgusting thing to do, and although I don't know if that's what he did to me, he did it to her. And I have NO business being with a loser like that! SO, if I really wanted to be a silver lining seeker I really could give herpes CREDIT for helping me realize what a jerk he was. That level of deceit in a person speaks VOLUMES about their character.


So maybe the trick is to really turn the tables on the stigma...to try to see herpes as a way to weed out the undesirables, the liars, the cheats, the players...to gain the strength to disclose our situation to potential partners that we care about and to do it in a way that shows we are not ashamed. And to realize that someone who would consider herpes a deal breaker without a second thought is probably not someone we want to be with anyway. :-)

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