I Can't Seem to Catch A Break

[DamagedLotus]

I'll apologize in advance for my rant and self-loathe....

 

I’m seven days into my 4th or 5th outbreak since diagnosis and I feel worst then when I was first told. I’m refusing to take medicine I guess forcing myself to suffer because maybe I deserve it this. The thing that’s so painful isn’t the sores, don't get me wrong they hurt, but it’s the emotions.

 

I’ve been crying several times a day this past week and last night was the worst. I probably only slept two solid hours and then I was either laying in bed staring at the darkness or I was crying. To top it off I had to get up this morning and head to work, live life like nothing was wrong when I’d rather just stay in bed all day. Honestly if I had the courage I would’ve just taken a hand full of pills right then and there. But I don’t have courage and as always I’m thinking about everyone else and how it they would feel/handle it if I did that.

 

I think the thing that triggered all this emotion was seeing and “ex” from a few years ago with is his new wife. Not only is she the one he choose over me (because I was long distance in graduate school trying to better my f**** life/career) but she basically looks like me. This guy is probably the closest I came to being in love and seeing him happy while I now have this disease makes me upset.

 

I’m now pissed at my most recent ex whom I think gave this to me (even though I don’t know for sure). I’m pissed at myself because I played a role in it as well. Yea I should have ALWAYS used a condom. I thought I did everything else right though. I discussed STD results, I asked for proof but low and behold herpes wasn’t on there and I didn’t think twice. All I saw was negative but it was negative for everything that was actually listed. The ones I guess they feel are important.

 

I feel like I was robbed of my happy ending. My life with a loving husband and kids and a healthy life.That feeling of being able to be spontaneous and enjoy sex with a boyfriend/husband without worry of symptom or shedding. Its been hard enough trying to find someone i’m really into and now I have this to add to their scratch list. I know everyone is going to say it's not that bad, don't let this consume you, your life isn't over... but right now I don't feel that way. This past year was supposed to be the start of my best years. I started traveling overseas and exploring the world. I'll be 30 this year. I should be basking in joy and living life. Instead, I'm just wishing it to all be over with. Just get it out of the way.

 

I just can’t seem to catch a break in life.

[victoriaxxx]

DamagedLotus

 

I am going to give some harsh advice. The fact is that you have it and there is nothing that you can do to change it. It's not going to get any better if YOU don't let it get better. You self loathing and giving yourself a pity party IS NOT helping your situation at all. If you think positive and breathe then it will get better...

 

I remember we talked about in another thread how the way we open up about our herpes to someone is initially how they are going to take it. If we are extremely upset about it and we talk about how " we deserve this.." or.. " this is such a bad thing." The fact of the matter is that it is NOT! The stigma is inside your head, and the stigma is talking to you. There are people out there who deserve it or don't deserve it. The fact of the matter is WE CAN NOT CHANGE.. (( Sorry I am not trying to yell, I just can't do italics.) All we can do is allow it to settle into our mind. If you keep telling yourself that you are not going to live that happy life with husband and kids then you will not have that happy life... Because your life will only play how you let it play. I know there are a lot of things in this world that are not fair. Life is not fair. Isn't that the truth.

 

The fact that I am having an OB looking thing around my mouth and that it could possibly be oral Herpes also ? and that I accidentally spread it to my eyes.. Does that mean that I or any of us don't deserve a happy ending? No... That does not. We only let ourselves go as far as we want.

 

Sorry to say, but I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to stick around if I kept crying and crying. If I kept being upset about it.. because it is not the end of the world. We are all still here, we are all still breathing. Take a look outside and realize that life is beautiful. Good and the bad, we are lucky to be here.

 

You are lucky to be here. && I am sorry you don't feel that way, but it is the truth.

[WCSDancer2010]

Awww DamagedLotus .... (((HUGS)))

 

This too shall pass. Promise.

 

I’m refusing to take medicine I guess forcing myself to suffer because maybe I deserve it this.

 

Beating yourself up doesn't accomplish anything. You don't deserve to suffer. To be honest, I'm wondering if you need a little help for depression ... and coming from a pill-phobic massage therapist who tries to do everything naturally, I will tell you that there IS a time and place for anti-depressants. I admitted myself to a hospital many years ago when I "couldn't catch a break" and I was starting to have suicidal thoughts. I had 2 precious girls who I couldn't hurt by hurting myself so I asked for help. I was on Welbutrin for about 6-8 months... long enough for me to get my head back in order ... and I eventually weaned off it as the crisis passed. Sometimes we need a little medical support to get through tough times. Same for taking a supressant med.... maybe you should take it for a year... just until you have a chance to process all this.

 

I hear you about the pain of the ex... been there , done that... Still get to see him on occasion. It still sucks - but at least now is sucks less...and each time it gets better.

 

All I saw was negative but it was negative for everything that was actually listed. The ones I guess they feel are important.

 

You are not alone in your frustration at the current standards for STD testing. A number of us here are dedicated to getting that changed. Your story is one of many that make us determined to get the CDC to see some sense and get Herpes on the standard testing.

 

I feel like I was robbed of my happy ending. My life with a loving husband and kids and a healthy life.That feeling of being able to be spontaneous and enjoy sex with a boyfriend/husband without worry of symptom or shedding.

 

I promise, you are NOT robbed of that. I've had 2 children with Herpes. Since divorce I've had 2 BF's that were H- and we had a GREAT sex life with PLENTY of spontaneity. I know that is hard to believe now, but it CAN happen.

 

Please. Everything you said makes me feel you need medical help... I call this a "situational depression" ... when you get hit with one thing too many in a small period of time...and your system just says "ENOUGH!". You sound like you are in a cycle of depression and outbreaks - each of which is making the other one worse. Your brain and your body need a break from the barrage. Get help. Give yourself a time frame and allow the drugs to do their magic for 6 months or a year until you can get your life back on track.

 

(((HUGS))) ....

[victoriaxxx]

Sorry if I was too harsh... I don't mean it that way.. Maybe you need to do some sort of therapy !!

Aroma therapy, Acupuncture, even if you just want to talk to someone.. It can help.

[WCSDancer2010]

PS: You have the perfect screen name:

 

Damaged Lotus

 

I expect that you know that in Buddhism the Lotus flower is known for it's resilience: rising and blooming above the murk to achieve enlightenment.

 

Copied from http://buddhists.org/buddhist-symbols/the-meaning-of-the-lotus-flower-in-buddhism/

 

The mud represents an importance in the meaning of the lotus flower in Buddhism. All humans are born in a world where there is suffering. This suffering is a vital part of the human experience; it makes us stronger and teaches us to resist the temptation of evil. When we banish evil thoughts from our mind we are able to break free of the muddy water and become one with the Buddha. The mud shows us who we are and teaches us to choose the right path over the easy one.

 

Finally, the lotus flower represents rebirth, both in a figurative and a literal sense. The rebirth can be a change of ideas, an acceptance of Buddha (or perhaps of your Herpes in this case) where there once was none, the dawn after one’s darkest day, a renaissance of beliefs or the ability to see past wrongs.

 

So yes - you are damaged, but not broken. Allow yourself time to heal, and get help if you need it. You WILL rise above the mud and you will be stronger for having been through this..

 

Peace :)

[abc123]

DamagedLotus.... Oh, I just want to cry after reading your story. We are similar in the self loathing and deserving the suffering or wanting the punishment of feeling so bad ---you want to kill yourself. I spent the first 2 months of my diagnosis in that same hell. I know how you feel. Many nights I would have just rather swallowed the bottle of pills and end the pain, shame, suffering and self hatred. I too felt like I was cheated out of a good future. But I'm telling you, you can't think that way. It will get better. I agree with Dancer, you sound clinically depressed. And I know what that means. You should most definitely get some help for that first. I have been in therapy and on anti anxiety meds. That helped tremendously. It at least gets me through the day with out crying. I cry--- if I need to when I get home from work. I also feel like you should go on valtrex for future outbreaks. Honestly, having herpes sucks, and you're right, it's not fair. Victoria mentioned that life is not fair. I agree with that too. There are many things in life that are not fair. Ask anyone with cancer. We are here for you on this site. Take some time and read through some of these stories. It is going to take a lot of time. I wish I could give you a big hug. Just think of all the friends you have here that know how you feel and will be thinking of you. Hugs, abc123

[DamagedLotus]

@abc123 @wscdancer2010 and @victoriaxxx. Even though you guys commented on my rant days ago I did want to say thank you for the support or as victoria said, harsh advice :). It's just really been one of those weeks that seem to come and go but I am slowly starting to feel on the up and up. I'll have my good and bad days but I know that's life. Either way thanks!

[victoriaxxx]

Your welcome.

[WCSDancer2010]

Glad you are feeling better :)

 

And glad to help!

 

(((HUGS)))