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I didn't tell him I have herpes - what do I do next?

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I definitely feel like I have been alone dealing with all of this support is exactly what I've been lacking. The partner that I got it from was someone that I trusted and we were using condoms at first but then one night we didn't and the rest is history. Even though we both had it he barely got any outbreaks( and it was his first year with herpes as well) and he wasn't in nearly as much pain as I was most of last year so he never understood what I was going through and never really tried to understand. I began to resent him and that's why we broke up. Now I'm dating a guy I use to date a couple years ago so it was hard to take things slow and one night things just happened more than once we used protection and I didn't have any visible lesions but I do know that I could have still been shedding. I feel like a jerk for not telling him but I couldn't bring myself to do it we work together so I fear him telling someone. At this point we have already had sex a handful of times and I haven't told him yet I want to but the word refuse to form even though I know what i could say I'm really just to scared to just say it especially because we have already had sex even though it was protected. I lied and said I was menstrual just so we wouldn't have sex because I can't continue sleeping with him and not telling him. I don't know how many more lies I can tell just to avoid sex before the truth just comes out. I hate lying but I also hate rejection :( I really don't know what to do next. Please Help!

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Boy. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, and as a guy who acquired this little virus from a woman who just didn't feel comfortable telling me because she was afraid of the rejection, well, you've chosen to cross a line. It's a major line and you've made the situation far worse by doing so. There is no such thing as "protected" sex when it comes to herpes. Condoms might as well be a cheese cloth for the amount of protection they provide against herpes, and yes, I was wearing a condom when I got hit. Are you on suppressive therapy? If you were and you used condoms, your beau has a 2% chance per act of acquiring it. If not, those odds go up to 4%. Those are odds I lost and a lot of guys on this forum did as well. For those of us, men or women, who find ourselves in the boat of catching it from someone who knew and didn't tell, well, it adds an extra layer of shame, guilt, and hurt to the situation. We feel cheated and used, and for the rest of our lives we resent the fact that we weren't given a choice when one could have been presented.


So, what do you do now? First things first. You need to go look in a mirror and decide who you want to be. You need to decide whether you are a strong, caring, and honest woman who is going to own up to having this virus and be honest about it with people who care about her. Or, you can choose to bury your head in the sand and continue to lie and let this virus turn you into someone who is so ashamed of it that you're willing to put people you care about, and who care about you, at risk.


Even little white lies about menstruating are still lies. One lie leads to another, to another, and pretty soon your relationship is built on a shaky foundation of lies that a small breeze will bring crashing down. It's your choice, and yours alone who you want to be.


As far as the boat you're in, there's only one word you need to think about: Honesty.


You screwed up big time. In the world of STD's, failing to disclose is the worst thing you can do. It is a crime in some states, and you should fully expect that your beau is going to be angry. He's going to be hurt. You are going to seriously bruise, if not break, the trust he has in you. If you want to rebuild that trust, you're going to have to take responsibility for what you've done. How do you do that?


1. Stay calm. Get all the facts about transmission risks and put them together. Memorize them. Burn them into your mind. If he doesn't storm off immediately, he's going to have a lot of questions and unless you're a herpes expert, well, it's not going to go well. Expect him to be angry. Expect him to be afraid. Expect him to be just as concerned as you were when you acquired it. You've unfairly put him on a roller coaster without his knowledge, and you can fully expect him to be scared and hurt.


2. Tell him your story. How'd you get it? How long have you had it? How long have you known you've had it? He's going to want to know. This is all cards on the table time.


3. Apologize. Be sincere about it. I'd avoid giving him the whole "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to be rejected, or feel less sexy, or whatever" spiel. That's an excuse, and that's not going to go over well. A simple "I screwed up big time, I didn't want to put your health at risk, things happened before I could stop them, and now I feel terrible about it" will do.


4. At this point it's not about you. It's about him. Your feelings, your emotions, your hurt, guilt, shame, etc. Those are back burner items until HE brings them to the forefront. Right now, you keep the focus on how he feels, how he hurts, how he's concerned. Once he gets through those emotions, then let him be the one to bring your feelings, emotions, hurt, guilt, and shame back to the table. Give him the control over that.


Now, I'm not going to absolve him completely from his responsibility if he didn't ask before you guys did the deed. A lot of guys don't, and sometimes they end up paying for it. You didn't say if he asked or not, so I'm assuming he didn't. If he did and you lied, that's going to be a dealbreaker. And, while he does bear some responsibility if he didn't ask, the onus and burden in a situation like ours is that it is always, always, always, let me say that again, always our responsibility to tell partners even if they don't ask. That's of course on top of the whole STD questions you should have asked him. And, yes, that's a burden for both of you to bear. Herpes is a minor bug, but it does make it much easier to acquire other viruses that aren't so easily treated.


Remember that so that you can protect yourself, and your partners in the future.



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I am not going to sugar coat this either.

I honestly feel like that is one of the worst things anyone could have ever done !

You remember how you felt when you were not told, and you just had to find out on your own? I know I felt pretty shitty. Which is exactly why I chose to put my big girl panties on and tell my boyfriend.. because I don't want anything to happen to him. I want to take the steps to be safe, but knowing that there is still a chance that it is something that he should know.. Ultimately it is his own choice to take that chance for me. Which he is..


Especially since you knowingly have it, then it is definitely something that you need to tell them. If you don't want to tell someone then don't have sex. Simple as that. Buy some toys if you need to get your rocks off.


Seriously though. I would be extremely upset if I knew the guy that I was with knew he had herpes and didn't tell me.. I would feel like I couldn't trust him.. Just like if I didn't tell my current boyfriend... I would not expect him to trust me. Apart of a relationship is trust. If there is no trust then there is no relationship.. No matter how hard it is to say something you need to buck up and spit it out.

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Well,first to harry.. not all of us are morale super heros like you.. we are just human. And make mistakes and as much as we would love to be emotional warriors.. we just arent.. all though i agree with you in principal your lack of compassion concerns me a bit.


End of the day your just going to have to tell him stuck. Whatever way.. somehow your just going to have to pull up your big girl panties and tell him. That it bothers you is at least a sign you give adamn..build on that. Yes do the right thing no matter the cost.. arm yourself with the facts specifically transmission percentages so he knows that although you werent perfect you didnt just throw caution to the wind and be completely irresponsible. When its all said and done.. its going to be his choice to accept the risk. At this point.. you know now the burden of your secret is as heavy as the burden of disclosure, so if there is a next time.. you will know to just disclose. (((Hugs)))

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Even little white lies about menstruating are still lies. One lie leads to another, to another, and pretty soon your relationship is built on a shaky foundation of lies that a small breeze will bring crashing down. It's your choice, and yours alone who you want to be.


Got that right. Herry hit every nail on the head....and I'm guessing that by coming on here you sorta know all that and just had to be told the truth so you can't deny it to yourself any more either.


So what IS the TRUTH?


The TRUTH is, noone asks for this virus. Most get it because someone either lied or was terribly uneducated about STDs and thought they were negative for everything....most of us never did the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" STD test results game. And a few got it because someone cheated and brought a present home for them. However we got it, we didn't sign up for it.


And neither did your beau. I'll be perfectly blunt with you. I will accept a LOT of things in my life, but a relationship started on a LIE isn't one of them. Hell, I make it perfectly clear in my online dating profiles that if a guy is lying about his age in the profile he better come clean about it in our first conversation because, to me, his insecurity about that (and thinking a lie is ok) would make me wonder what else he would lie about to me. You see, another TRUTH is that we all have things we think make us less desirable, unlovable, whatever. Age, weight, other things like maybe acne, scars, height, whatever. We have kids. We live with a parent. Or we just suck. Period. Herpes is just another one of those things that we can use to convince ourselves we are unlovable. Or we can accept it and trust that the RIGHT person for us won't care about a crappy pain in the arse rash because they value US too much to let that stop them from wanting to be with us.


The TRUTH is, you are waaay out of integrity my friend...and I think you know it. I get the fear of rejection... its a very powerful thing .... one of the most powerful emotions in the animal kingdom in any group/herd/tribe based creature.... man included. And we just have to learn how to deal with it. Lying to avoid rejection (for ANY reason) rocks the foundation of that relationship to it's core and makes you MORE likely to get rejected when the truth comes out... and it WILL over time. And believe me, you think you feel bad now, how would you feel if he came to you with a recent diagnosis for Herpes and told you he knows he got it from you????


The TRUTH is you have to tell the truth. Period. AND you will have to live with the consequences of your actions. I can't blame him if he walks. If he doesn't, you either have a doormat or one hell of a great guy.


I hate lying but I also hate rejection


The TRUTH is the pain of rejection is temporary and you can use it to learn and grow from it. But I'd rather have someone be honest with me and get rejected than to have them lie to me just to stay in my pants. You did what sooo many guys are blamed for by us women... for the same reason (fear of rejection) ... except that you did so knowing that you *could* hand this guy virus that, while we all learn to live with it, isn't something you'd want to give to others if you can avoid it.


So here's the deal. You got some major cleaning up to do. Herry gave you some really good suggestions about what to do (and as a guy who got H from exactly the same situation as you describe, I think he was pretty gentle with you...'cause that's the kind of guy he is. But don't expect that from anyone else who is in his shoes. ). Get educated and then talk to him and clean up your integrity. And let the chips fall where they may. If he walks, well, I can't blame him. A lie is a pretty crappy way to start a relationship.


Here are some success stories that may help you figure out how to approach it.... good luck.... and whatever happens, we are here for you to help you process YOUR emotions and healing ...















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I think Herry was pretty easy on her... he got it in exactly the same way as she describes. He knows the pain of the lies and feeling used and abused. He gave her some great advice about how to clean it up.


Herry is one of the most compassionate people on here. But with love sometimes comes "tough love". (Ask anyone who has had a dose from me...LOL). Sometimes you really need for someone to tell you straight up you were in the wrong because you don't have the balls to be honest with yourself.... and THAT person is a true friend.


We are here to spread truth and honesty around our little viral friend. and as one of my main mentors said many many times to me


The truth will set you free, but sometimes it will really piss you off first". ;)



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Tough love is fine and well. Kicking someone when they are down is another. This supposed to bea positive site... even when they are a representation of the dreaded "giver".or they dont meet this sites "regulars" standard of integrity . We as a community are here to help and educate in a excepting way..and hopefully help them see the error of their ways.. or we are click.. willing to only help the "victims" and we victimize those that dont fit in. Your call. Herpes makes you do and say things you never thought you would. When they come here and reach out, we have a obligation to help them in a positive way..not berate them under the guise of "tough love". Positive to ALL that come here..THIS IS MY OPINION.

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It's not about being a moral superhero. It's about being responsible. It's about not doing to others what others have done to us. We're adults, and if you're going to have sex, you've got to be adult about it because it has some pretty big consequences that come with it.


I'm far from perfect, and I've made plenty of mistakes in the past. I'm here because of a mistake and because I trusted someone. That's part of being human and I've learned from that. That's what life is all about. I don't always hold the moral high ground and there have been plenty of times when I've been called to task for that.


Having an STD like herpes comes with major responsibilities. Both to ourselves, and to our partners. Having herpes makes us more susceptible to doing things and acquiring things that can harm us, and harm others far worse than a few blisters ever can. If you think having a few blisters and a bruised ego is bad, try staring down a 90 day window period for HIV because someone lied to you and see how compassionate you become.

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@HerryTheHerp Thank you. I love your Honesty.


Yeah I have a friend who has HIV and he is not the most compassionate person out there. He is actually very upset and very mean.. Because he was lied too.. That happened to him. All I can do is hug him all the time.. because I just want him to be okay, but he is BRUTALLY HONEST to me. Because he would never wish this upon anyone else.

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Agreed with Herry 110% He is not telling her shes a horrible person, but what he is saying is correct. I wish the person who gave this to me would've given me a choice. Right wrong or indifferent everyone here wishes we could go back and MAKE THIS DECISION FOR OURSELVES.


If someone discloses and you chose to get into that relationship knowing the info and then you got herpes well you took a risk and here you are.

for the rest of us we had to just wake up one day with a bunch of bumps and wonder WTH happened here?


If you dont know and pass this .. well how can anyone be angry with you?

If you know, as we all do, it is our repsponsibility to suck it up and be mature enough to deal with it, and not put this upon anyone else without giving them the information and resources they deserve to be able to make an informed decision about their body.

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IMO Herry wasn't kicking stuckinarut .... Herry is just being straight honest about integrity. And I think siarut really knows in her heart that we are right. People who are not ready to do what is right won't come on a place like this and ask for advice. And really, Herry gave her some friggin great advice about how to approach it with the guy.


Sorry if you think we need to sugar coat things but the problem is, often when you do, the person only latches on to the "sweet stuff" and they don't get the message. You see, every time someone lies about having this, they just add to the cesspit of the stigma that surrounds Herpes because people will go around telling others that people with STD's will lie to you and we are therefore low lifes. And that's just not fair on sooo many levels.


The ONLY way we will get rid of the stigma is through truth and honesty ... from public education to disclosure. We were asked for our opinions and advise..... and I have a feeling Stuckina rut knows what she has to do.



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If i had hiv and someone came into a community i was active in.. yes i would try to be compassionate. . Especially if what they were doing was wrong.. this goes for any STD.. its not the ones doing it right that need our guidance and acceptance the most.. its the ones that are misguided that need us the most. Telling them no matter how nicely :how evil they are only leaves them to their own point of view,or worse to someplace or someone that reinforces their current actions. And really harry.. comparing hiv a death sentence to hsv???.


Tough love.. sure when its not their first post. They are looking for help. Not to be judged. No you dont have to sugar coat it, but you dont have to shake your finger at them. When they come here telling us they feel bad fir doing it wrong (disclosure) they dont need to be told how wrong they are in the midst of your advice.. they know this already.. OR THEY WOULDNT BE HERE. its my belief they are clearly looking for reinforcement or a plan to do the right thing.

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Okay I don't think we should argue about how we should talk to people. They came here asking for help, and expecting that not all of us are going to say it the "nicest" way.

We are not saying she is evil for anything.. We are saying remember how she felt when she was in that position. You feel hurt and lied too..

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Our standards of integrity have to be higher than anything we've ever aspired to. HSV2, HIV, and other incurables have some hefty stigmas and consequences attached. Those stigmas are perpetuated by not taking the moral high ground, and being 100% honest and open about them with anyone we choose to be with. That's not a standard of this site, that's a standard for humanity. @stuckinarut can choose to take that advice, or not. Again, life is about choices, and we all have a choice when it comes to determining the kind of person we want to be. She's here. She's made the choice to atone and make things right. That's a first step up a long staircase she has to climb.


And, I fully agree. Everyone on this site has something to add, and we all come from different perspectives and positions. Some of us have given, some of us have received, and we're all dealing with this and the emotional and psychological damage it can cause. The worst consequence of which is to bury our heads in shame and put others at risk by letting us compromise our integrity and put people we care about at risk because of how deeply we are hurt and ashamed. The moment we do that the virus wins and we stop being the amazing, beautiful, caring, and wonderful people that we are. Pointing that out is not kicking someone when they're down; that's reaching a hand out and saying you can do better and we're going to help you find your true self again, here's how you fix this.


As far as being victims, well, we're all victims if you want to look at it that way. Some of us got here because of someone we loved and we knew the risks and accepted them, some of us got here because someone didn't know, and some of us got here because someone lied. It doesn't really matter, and there's no "better than thou" when it comes to having herpes. We're all here now regardless, and I've chosen to be a survivor. It's a choice, and you can make it to.


Part of being a survivor is to address head on the reasons that more and more people are finding their way to this forum. The vast, vast, vast majority of newly infected people are coming here because either someone didn't know, or someone didn't tell. The way we change that as HSV1 and 2 positives is by encouraging those of us who do know to be honest with ourselves and those we care about. If we do that, we can have a significant impact on the number of new transmissions. In turn, we'll be helping reduce the stigma, and we'll begin patching up the holes in our own hearts and souls that this virus creates. And, like any surgery, that's a process that can sting and hurt, but it's well worth going through if it can make someone whole again.

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IMO this post is going way off course.


at the end of the day we all need to find strength to overcome the HSV stigma. Talking about it without feeling "yucky" is the first step in that direction.


In this case @stuckinarut needs to find strength to be able to tell this guy that she has herpes and that now he needs to be tested (in 3 months) . It would've been easier to do this before becoming intimate with him. That is all we are saying... everyone here has an opinion and that is... not disclosing to someone is the wrong thing to do. The nicest way to say it is "hey you really shouldn't have done that" comes in all different ways, and its hard to tell "tone" in an email but i am sure there is not one person in this forum who is saying anything in a mean, or rude mannor.


At this point the guy needs to be told so he can take proper precautions. bc herpes is the gift that keeps on giving.


So how about you ask this guy out for coffee or maybe a drink and just tell him "look i feel terrible for not telling you sooner, but I have herpes. Do you know anything about it?" if he says No.. use that chance to educate him. He will be angry and shocked, so mentally prepare yourself for that, but im sure he will respect the fact that at least youre telling him now.. and not in 6 months. better then late then never (or even later)



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@JustSmile (: I agree.. Don't come out like I did, balling and crying and being like " You won't want to be with me.."


In the end its all about how you talk about it, and you can talk to him and tell him the statistics.. Tell him in a way " I have herpes, and 80% of people who have it don't know that they do." Be positive about your herpes, becasue 9 times out of 10 even if you do get rejection, they will be a lot happier with you..

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NOONE here said Stuckina rut is evil. I really have no idea where you got THAT from???? And absolutely NOONE on here is judging her. Please don't project your reactions to our approach on the rest of us.


And yes - Herry is worried about HIV because he is really really concerned that the woman who lied to him may have passed that to him. Personally I'm pretty sure he's going to be ok, but he gets to sweat it out for another 90 days before he gets the all clear. THAT was his point about the HIV comment.


I've handed out plenty of tough love (I'm known for being the Tough Love Forum Mama) to first timers here and actually, many of them are still commenting on here AND are some of our best posters now.....






If YOU have any problems with our approach, why don't YOU let us know??? Please do know that each one of us on here are behind you 100% and we are cheering you on for both your healing and your disclosure. Some of us are warm fuzzies and may "sugar coat" things...but many of us are just going to tell it like it is. There's nothing personal about it and it doesn't mean we think less of you. I treat everyone the same and so do all the rest who commented on here.


Like I said, I think you know what you need to do. Herry gave you some great advice about how to approach your guy. I gave you some links to help you see that it IS possible to disclose to a H- person successfully. There IS hope. And we are here if you have any more questions .... you will get plenty of virtual (((HUGS))) on here and a dose of tough love when you need it.... 'cause that's how we roll :)


((((HUGS)))) and Peace :)

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Way to start a thread! You've generated more discussion than most threads, and that's impressive. Next time start it off with something along the lines of "Tastes Great, Less Filling" or if you're really bold "Why the New York Yankees will always be better than the Boston Red Sox."


I hope you read through all of these, and take it all in because there is plenty of great advice within all of these comments. This is the world of genital herpes. It is scary. It is confusing. It is life changing. No one is judging you, not even me, and all of these comments and suggestions are for your benefit to help you get through this. You've made a choice to be here, and that's a big first step towards changing your life and making amends for what's happened. Many people never even take that step, but you have. Notice I say "what's happened" and not "what you did." I don't believe you did this; I believe the virus did this. You're letting the virus change you, and you can stop it cold in its tracks by not letting it do that ever again.



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We are all here in this together. We are all fighting the stigma of this little sucker. This virus came into our life not because we wanted it too, but because it wanted us.. Now we got it. Now we are all victims, and we are all trying to look out for each other.


@Stuckinarut We are all behind you 100% and we want you to be okay with your herpes. (: If you are okay with it then most others will be okay with it..

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I completely agree with Herry. He didnt suger coat it, but he didnt label her as a horrible person. In my personal experience before posting anything at all on this site i read and read and read through all the threads. I got a feel for what was to be expected from any of my posts. I think that coming into this honesty was to be expected and from what most of us post about being completely open @stuckinarut knew she would recieve an honest, but maybe hard to hear answer. I hope that she doesnt see us as ganging up on her. We are all here with open arms to help, and although we disagree with the ways she handled things she came to us for advice and Herry gave her great advice on how to get past what shes already done. When she decides to tell this guy shes been seeing about what has happened, we will be here. Whether he understands or not we will be here with open arms to comfort her and help her get past that. Again, i completely agree with Herry. We cant go back and undo anything so after we have made mistakes we have to move forward and try to fix them in the best way possible.

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Well first off hello everyone :) i really appreciate all of your opinions I came on here because I did know what needed to happened but I didn't know in what way to go about it @HerryTheHerp what you said was exactly what I needed to hear yes it was a little harsh but this is a very serious matter so I get the undertone is going to seem worse and these are emails so I don't know if our screaming at the computer or not :) So in no way am I taking these comments in a bad way. Everyone is correct within their own opinions. I have some serious soul searching to do I need to put my big girl pants on really soon because I know lying was the worst thing I could have done. But now instead of beating myself up I'm trying to reach out and I think that is the first step. The when and where is the biggest question in my mind now right this moment. What setting do I want to be in? But even within that comment I am still only thinking about myself which needs to stop. I came on here because I needed to think out loud and get a complete opinion that is in not way bias to me. Even as I'm writing this comment my current views are changing I don't want to be this person I know I can't avoid it forever I just feel like I know this person so much that I'm already playing how things are going to go. I'm psyching myself out and it's going to drive me crazy if i don't just say it. When I lie i feel like my head gonna explode that's why I came so close to telling him last week but the words just didn't form. I know exactly what I need to do disclosing is one thing post disclosure is the real biggie. The thought that he may actually get it and it be all my fault. I've already made the decision to tell him I'm just trying to get myself mentally prepared.

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@Stuckinarut This is a great place to come to help get mentally prepared for what you are about to do. (: I am glad that you were able to reach out to us.


I know this will drive me crazy if I don't get it out


That is why I told my boyfriend right away. I wasn't able to hold it in.. He is all the way across the country, and I am moving to him. I didn't want him to think everything was going fine, and I also didn't want to build myself up just to lose him.. "If you are going to leave me, then leave me now so I don't have anything to hold on to."


Though, I don't suggest you go about it the way I did. I suggest that you find positive ways to look at your herpes.. Tell him that you are fine with your herpes and hopefully that he can be also. Just tell him how you feel.. Also try not to have a negative tone when you are talking about it because most people will feel the way that you put out.

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Good for you my friend... I had a feeling that you came on here to hear what you knew in your heart.


We will be cheering you on when you disclose to him. Try not to agonize about what will happen afterwards. You can't change that no matter what... it will be what it will be. Do what you can for damage control.....get your facts straight and work on your confidence. Then it's all in the hands of the unknown, or God if you believe in him... or fate. Either way, you don't have control over HIM.... if you can go in with no expectations, then all the better. Expectations bring pain. Just allow the moment to be however it turns out...



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