I didn't tell him I have herpes - what do I do next?

[gingaru]

Hi stuckinarut! I did the exact same thing to a man I cared tremendously for and told him after 5 weeks of being intimate with him. It is the absolute worst thing I have ever done to someone and one of the biggest regrets of my life. He was one of my best friends AND we work together. It's been 7 months since I told him and the only relationship we have now is strictly professional. When I finally found the courage and strength to tell him, I went to his home (his turf) and just put all my cards on the table. I explained how I got it through my ex boyfriend of 7 years (who didn't know he had it because he never goes to the doctor) and said I was really sorry for not giving him the choice. He was calm after I told him and I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said yes. Two days later he sent me the meanest email of my entire life and after I read it, I realized I will NEVER EVER do this to someone EVER again. It was a really hard way to learn a lesson but I totally deserved everything he said/wrote to me. You have to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions. I totally feel for you and hope he doesn't get too angry. Herpes creates a roller coaster of emotions and most days are good but there are some dark days in there too, that is why this site is so amazing to have as a resource and for support. Good luck friend.

[Equanimous]

@stuckinarut

First: It was really brave of you to post on this forum. Everyone makes mistakes but you were courageous enough to accept and disclose them here.

 

Second: From what you've written it seems you are ready to make amends and move closer to being open and honest about herpes. Now the goal is to summon up all your deep courage and have the talk.

 

Third: While I have no experience with this situation, I am guessing complete honesty (which includes why you acted the way you did: fear of rejection etc.) and a wholehearted apology is the route to take. You fucked up..but we all do at some point or the other.

 

For the future: While there are no valid excuses for not disclosing to someone who you are sleeping with, fear of rejection and feeling unsexy because of herpes are all perfectly valid feelings. Denying them will not make them disappear. It takes time and conscious effort to move from a place of fear and shame to that of acceptance. And you have already taken the first steps towards that.

 

I hope things are fine with him and that it does work out between you both.

 

And keep sharing!

 

[victoriaxxx]

@Stuckinarut

 

Just tell him that you were extremely scared at first. Honestly, be courageous.. Not everything has the same inner strength as each other. I know that it can be hard getting it out into the unknown. Not knowing what the person is goign to say think or feel..

I just want to say that I admire the fact that you came here wanting help.. and wanting to come out with the truth !

[stuckinarut]

I told him and I think it was the best reaction I could have gotten. He didn't yell or get upset he just let me speak and I got everything off my chest I swear a weight has been lifted now I only pray that I didn't give him anything accidentally he's a good man and I knew that already but has become even more obvious now. I started crying during my disclosure and not even because I wanted him to feel bad but when the words left my mouth " I have genital herpes" he didn't flinch he just let everything come out on the table and told me one of his secrets. I don't want to get to excited though because things can always change the person closest to him may not agree with it and could possibly change his mind about me but for now I'm trying to keep positive thoughts. Thanks for all the support everyone :) (((( HUGS)))

[victoriaxxx]

I am actually very happy for you.. I am glad that it turned out good! We will always be here.

[stuckinarut]

Thanks!

[WCSDancer2010]

That is awesome! It's out of your hands now... but it sounds like he is still in the picture? REmember, if he needs info, you have the disclosure handouts, and he can always come on here and ask questions for himself in the non-herpes partners section here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/categories/non-herpes-partners

 

We're crossing our fingers for you!

 

(((HUGS)))

[bookworm21]

Stuckinarut - Great job! I'm happy for you. We're all here if you need us :)

 

 

Victoria I'm pretty sure we are wayyyyy too much alike. In a comment you said…

 

"I also didn't want to build myself up just to lose him.. "If you are going to leave me, then leave me now so I don't have anything to hold on to."

 

I said something almost EXACTLY like this last night. I let him know I was telling him upfront because I didn't want either of us to get more attached and then have things end.

[victoriaxxx]

Exactly ! That was my point. When I get attached. I get really attached, which is something that I need to work on. I didn't want to build everything up in my head, and then just have it all burned down because I have herpes.. If it's going to end... I wanted it to be something besides herpes.

[lucky1]

This is a great thread. I was very glad to hear that stuckinarut was not scared off. I have been in your shoes exactly and I know how awful it feels to lie (or not disclose in advance) and then beat yourself up about it. You have great strength to take the feedback here in a very humble and heartfelt way. I will be honest when I read the first response back to you I cringed...as that is a harsh reality to hear in your first comments. I almost cried for you...BUT I am also a baby :) You are well on your way (like I am) to facing this big ugly monster called Herpes and not letting it turn us into liars, fakes or anything else. We are women living with Herpes. It sucks BUT we still have beautiful, wonderful souls that are WORTH loving :)

 

To bookworm and Victoria..."I also didn't want to build myself up just to lose him.. "If you are going to leave me, then leave me now so I don't have anything to hold on to."

I said something almost EXACTLY like this last night. I let him know I was telling him upfront because I didn't want either of us to get more attached and then have things end."

 

I am telling someone I have been dating tomorrow night because I feel myself really starting to like him and I feel like he needs to know now as our comments and chatter is getting more "personal and flirty". If he can't deal with it or doesn't want to continue to get to know me because of H then I won't have anything to hang onto and I can easily let him go. Thank you ladies for the words I have been searching for. Been practicing my "elevator speech" about this for days. This site is a god send..seriously. Armed with my handouts, I will be positive and HONEST and still PROUD to be me!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Hey Ohsolucky1..

 

So think about this... you used the words this big ugly monster called Herpes .. but really, is it a monster? Or just something we build up to be much bigger than it is? One of the fastest ways to healing is changing how we talk about Herpes. Because when we disclose/talk about Herpes, we will convey our fear to the potential partners if we use (or even THINK) those words.

 

I'll be cheering you on tomorrow when you talk to your friend. I'm finding more and more that outright honesty right up front is bringing me men on the dating sites that are H- BECAUSE of my transparency. I want THAT kind of guy in my life, who realizes that trust begins from the moment you first start talking to someone ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[felareed]

wow...I have just read through this entire thread. Funny how when looking for support to disclose herpes to a potential partner everyone down plays it stating that it is really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things BUT this thread just proved all my fears that it is far from a big deal.

[WCSDancer2010]

felareed..

 

Herpes ISN'T a big deal in the grand scheme of things... BUT ... that doesn't mean it's OK to put some one at risk for getting it because you are too scared/ashamed/whatever. Just look at the emotional toll it takes on people here...forget the physical.

 

Once you get it, well, you have to learn to live with it... and once you have figured out your triggers and such you can usually keep it pretty well under control, and it becomes a nuisance.... would I want anyone else to get Herpes from me??? Hell no! We all have enough crap in our lives so why add to it?

 

 

[victoriaxxx]

Exactly.. I don't want to put any one at risk because I am a scaredy cat !

 

I am a horrible liar also.

[felareed]

Yes, there is no choice, if you have herpes you have to disclose. My point is that when disclosing many on the herpes support sites say "if you think it is a big deal they will too", well obviously it is a HUGE deal as described in this thread. It is a big deal because of all the emotional pain and agony it brings so to down play it to a potential partner seems ridiculous and I wouldn't be surprised if they laughed in my face if I tried to describe it as simply a skin condition.

 

[Orngpeelmafia]

Its a big deal because of the emotional toll based on an ignorant hateful stigma that is false. We don't want to pass herpes along more so to save our partners from dealing with their inner monsters as we were forced to upon learning we have herpes. When you look at the big picture herpes as a virus is a whimpy little thing...it pops up from time to time to let you know its still hanging around but it can't do much other than give you some unpleasant days. What makes herpes the big bad monster it seems to be is the power we allow it to have through that social stigma. We are here in this forum not only to help cope and be there for each other in times of need but to help spread accurate awareness of what this virus really is...a skin condition in a very embarrassing place.

[WCSDancer2010]

It's a big deal because *we* make it into a big deal.

 

You see, for ME, it' really isn't a big deal. I got over the angst a looooong time ago. And I'm on a mission to remove the stigma so that Herpes really CAN be what it is, and no more.... a nuisance skin condition....

 

AND, everyone on here can be part of that movement. If you approach a disclosure that this is a "Big Deal", you add to the power of the negativity out there. If you approach with HONESTY - tell the truth about the stats and the impact on you rlife (including the way the stigma is the biggest source of pain for most) - you create a whole new paradigm around the virus - and with that, the stigma takes another hit and truth and awareness has a chance to win out.

 

I don't know about you, but that seems like a pretty preferable way to approach it to me. :)

 

Peace

[whatsallthehubbub]

What felareed is referring to.. i believe is. You say herpes isnt a big deal but you say disclosure is. So logic dictates that having herpes is in fact a big deal. It seems like we are saying .. its only not a big deal if you have it and it is if you dont.

Without the conjured up emotions,and stigma no herpes is nothing really. But those things exist if not in us any more certainly in the general public. And because it exists disclosure is a big deal. Its a hard concept to convey, especially to the new. This is why i prefer a softer approach to the disclosure issue.

[WCSDancer2010]

A cold isn't a big deal but it's considered good manners to disclose that you have one when around friends so they can take precautions like not kissing you and washing hands and such. For some people they will freak and use that "germ gel" every 5 seconds or will avoid you all together. Others will say it's not a big deal and will carry on as usual. But if you told someone just how horrid your night had been, how disappointed you were in yourself that you caught it, and how you feel dirty and such, well, you'd probably freak a lot more people out about it.

 

An yes, the "big deal" is the stigma... not the virus. So if YOU make it a big deal at disclosure, it WILL be a big deal. If you are just REAL about your experience and what the medical world thinks of it and such, well, then it doesn't have to become a big deal..

 

I am living proof that disclosure doesn't have to be big deal. Hell, I came out completely on FB and ONLY received positive, loving, respectful support and I have over 1000 friends on there. I've fully disclosed on my dating profile on a non-STD site... and I'm getting messages from a number of H- men. NO negative messages from anyone there either. I have stated all the facts openly on both "disclosures" and described my experience and it hasn't scared anyone off or made anyone think any less of me. You can see what I wrote on my dating profile here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2406/disclosing-herpes-on-the-regular-online-dating-sites#Item_6 And my FB wall here http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet#Item_63

 

Again, I am of the belief that we can really change the stigma by not buying into it... I chose to go public to prove/disprove my theory and so far I have only had a positive experience to my positive status ;)

[Orngpeelmafia]

All these things exist yes...but why do they have to stay that way? Things weren't always this way...I'm not gonna give the history (though there are a few AMAZING articles on this site about it!) but if things were different once they can change again. We've hit both ends of the spectrum socially...from not caring to full blown paranoia now let's find a middle ground of healthy knowledges and awareness but acceptance and understanding :) it's in the future I know it and it starts with us

[WCSDancer2010]

Amen OPM :)

[abbyroad78]

Hi Stuck in a Rut, please don't listen to awful people!! Harry the Herp has a chip, a big one. I am not saying it is right not to disclose, but people who judge you for not telling the truth are not being honest with themselves about all the dishonesty in their own lives. I love that you had the courage to tell this forum what has occurred in your own life. I have made the same mistake and confessed to the person. His response is that he loved me and it didn't matter to him anyway. I have experienced very little rejection because of herpes. Please don't hesitate to seek support on this forum in the future. Most of the people on this site are very kind and understanding.

[WCSDancer2010]

Abbyroad:

 

I wonder if you actually READ the whole conversation. Stuckinarut was not hurt or insulted by Herry's comment... and BTW, I've had a LOT of private conversations with Herry and I'll be the first to tell you that the man has a HUGE heart and his "chip" (which was NOT that big by the standards of people I have seen who are newly diagnosed after someone lied) is a very valid one... he got Herpes thanks to someone who did not disclose.

 

Now, if you go back and read the WHOLE conversation you will see that SiaR said the following

 

stuckinarut January 16 Flag

Posts: 5

Well first off hello everyone i really appreciate all of your opinions I came on here because I did know what needed to happened but I didn't know in what way to go about it @HerryTheHerp what you said was exactly what I needed to hear yes it was a little harsh but this is a very serious matter so I get the undertone is going to seem worse and these are emails so I don't know if our screaming at the computer or not So in no way am I taking these comments in a bad way. Everyone is correct within their own opinions. I have some serious soul searching to do I need to put my big girl pants on really soon because I know lying was the worst thing I could have done. But now instead of beating myself up I'm trying to reach out and I think that is the first step.

 

It's easy to project your personal issues onto someone else. However, we are all adults here, and we can all speak for ourselves. If someone feels that someone is out of line or attacking them, they can go to Adrial and I promise you he deals with this kind of thing VERY quickly. If SiaR was upset, all she had to do was say so on the forum, or contact Adrial and ask for intervention. But that wasn't necessary because she actually GOT what she asked for .. a straight forward answer to her question.

 

Many people come on here to get advice as SiaR did. The end of her initial post was I hate lying but I also hate rejection I really don't know what to do next. Please Help!

 

She asked for advice of what to do. Herry gave her his point of view as someone who had contracted Herpes thanks to someone who lied... and yes, there was still some anger there. But SiaR was able to take that and realize that she didn't want to cause someone that anger and pain THANKS to his response.

 

So all I am asking is that in the future, please read the whole discussion first. If you have a problem with how someone answers something on here please contact Adrial and ask for him to deal with it.

 

Peace

[JustSmile]

AWE ! Herry doesn't have a "chip" herry himself has been my biggest supporter, friend, confidant, tough love giver, and one of the most positive people I've ever met! Not only with herpes but at this point he is my friend! Even with life complications in general. He always offers an ear, a joke, a witty comeback and the truth! Sometimes the things he says are hard to hear bc theyre true, BUT I can assure you he meant no harm. :)

[abc123]

Abbey road... Herry has a big "chip" on his shoulder? No way! He is like the fearless leader of H and Humor! And that is a tough combination sometimes! Go back and REread some of his posts. No one here is "awful people".....we listen and read and offer support. Sometimes brutal honesty is best, but he means no harm to anyone and truly cares for everyone here. ;)