Things i have come to realize in this community

[Strawberrygirl]

maybe ur right. but i rather death than being rejected several times. that will only kill my self-esteem even more over time. so all of you stop judging others for not disclosing. its my life, my right to choose whether or not to disclose.

[Strawberrygirl]

so bookworm21, that means they rejected u bcoz of ur herpes right?

[bookworm21]

It's not your life you're affecting. It's other lives too. It the guy you are sleeping with and the next girl he sleeps with, and the next guy she sleeps with.

 

We are only "judging" because we have been there. We've been lied to. It's a horrible way to go through life. The best part about this community is that WE won't reject you. We aren't rejecting you right now, we're telling you there is a better way to live. Do you live near Ohio? I would love to sit down and talk to you. I know what it's like to feel so alone you can't stand yourself. To want to swallow a bottle of pills and be done with it. If you would like to talk, deeper than just this, my inbox is also open. So is Dancers, Herrys, and Victoria's. These people are amazing and can really help you. If you let them.

[bookworm21]

What happened to this girl who posted in December?

 

 

"Thank you again all of YOU for your support, particularly Adrial and WSCDancer2010.

I feel blessed I found this group. I will let you know how things evolve with the guy.

And I will try to be more positive about life, and more grateful from now on.

I am also going to try to reconnect with my inner self through meditation.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know why this happened to me.

I have always been very negative, and it is time to change that. Even though I always had EVERYTHING one could wish for in life I did not feel happy about my life.

I will take this as a warning from life, that I was not being grateful enough nor LIVING life."

 

Try to find her again.

[Strawberrygirl]

thanks for ur help...

the only thing u can do is help healing my emotional wounds, but noone can give me my life back. im doomed to be miserable if i decide to be honest with my partners.

no matter how much support u bring in the future, even if i decided to disclose and be rejected then depression.

nothing can be done, cnt be fixed.

 

and no, i live in europe...but thanks i appreciate.

[Strawberrygirl]

i was trying to be optimistic about it. truth is, very few get lucky and accepted.

dont wanna risk it anymore

[mr_hopp]

@Strawberrygirl - I hear you. I hear a lot of anger in everything you say. It hurts that you're lashing out to those who are just trying to help. And you must also understand that what you're saying is triggering for some of us ... I got herpes from a partner who didn't disclose to me. And there are a lot of people on this forum who got herpes from their partner not disclosing and assuming there was no risk, like Herry and others. There is always a risk, (as small as it is with the proper precautions).

 

The question is: Do you want to be in the kind of relationship where the things that deserve to be said are spoken to or swept under the rug? That's up to you. And it seems that you're pretty definitive on that for now.

 

But what about later?

 

Part of why I wanted to jump in here is, yes, to protect the future people who you sleep with and don't tell (because my heart goes out to them already considering that's how I got herpes) AND I am also wanting to help you not hurt yourself more during this process. Because I went through a phase of not telling partners. I convinced myself it wasn't a big deal. Then my integrity whipped the everlovin' shit out of me. ;) I put myself through hell on the other side of not disclosing. It was horrible. I felt guilt, remorse, an even DEEPER sense of shame than I had felt beforehand. And I learned a very important lesson there. Perhaps I needed to go through it to really learn it. And perhaps me telling you this will help you learn it. And perhaps you need to go through your own experience to see what you need to see.

 

We can't force you to disclose. That is very much your decision. But know that a lot of the support you're getting right now — and yes, even the anger directed back at you — is coming from a place of wanting to protect hearts from being hurt. Your heart and others hearts.

 

P.S. Everyone — Let's strive to be as kind as possible on these forums, both to ourselves and to others. Let's be aware of how we are treating one another, especially when we're feeling triggered and angry. Sometimes these conversations are tough, but the way we treat our conversations here has a direct impact on how we treat our conversations everywhere else, too. Let's practice compassion more and more here ...

[HereComesTheSun]

Hey SG. First if all: I do not judge you and I do not think you're a monster. I am not here to make you change your mind, to give you tough love, to make you feel guilty, or to make you feel bad about your decision. This decision is yours and if you feel comfortable and peaceful with it at this moment, then that is completely your call.

 

But- about pretending you're a symptomatic if he gets it, well let me tell you, that's what the man who gave it to me told me when I was first diagnosed. That he never had a symptom. That he never knew, blah blah.

 

I came to find out later that he had indeed known, once I put the pieces together as to why he had avoided sleeping with me on a few occasions (he was experiencing obs and was too scared/ashamed to tell me). This is what hurts me more than anything, that even after he passed it on to me, he STILL continued to lie about it and tell me he's never had any symptoms. After a few months, he finally told me, yes, he had some bumps down below and has seen that before, etc.

 

The reason I am hurting, SO badly, is that this person that I thought I could trust - could lie to me so much. It kills me more than anything that I've had to cut him out of my life. Because I hate to cut anyone out who I had that much of a (seemingly) meaningful connection with. But, there's just no coming back from that kind of betrayal. It cuts too deep.

 

Again, I am by no means here to judge you or tell you what to do, absolutely not, because to be honest i myself still don't know exactly where I stand with the whole disclosure thing. I can only *hope* that I will act with integrity and not do anything to hurt another person in a way that I would not like to be hurt. The only thing I'm here to tell you, SG, is that the truth ALWAYS comes out. And even if it doesn't, it will more than likely eat you alive. But, in your heart, you will know what is right when the time comes. Whether that be disclosure or not. Whether you disclose or not, you will learn whatever lesson it is that you need to learn.

 

[mr_hopp]

I'm so glad @bookworm21 posted that reminder, too. I was about to go look for it, then I saw she had already posted it. Spot on. :) Notice that all of what you're saying Strawberry has very little proof in reality. It's mostly your own imagination running wild on you. Go back through that ENTIRE thread that so many of us spent hours of our personal time in supporting you through. It's all still relevant now for you. It's your decision to be negative about it. It could also be your decision to be positive about it. You may just end up creating what you imagine.

[victoriaxxx]

It's true.. If you really ever need someone we are all here.. We will be here for you 100 % through good an bad. (:

[bookworm21]

Adrial, thank you for reiterating that the post is triggering quite a few emotions. The first thing I thought about was being lied to and the pain I felt when I found out. Posts like this are a good thing in some ways, it brings up those hot button issues and really makes us all think and work through those emotions. At least, that's what it did for me.

[victoriaxxx]

He definitely brought up a lot of emotion, that I was feeling through out this whole post.

[bookworm21]

I think most of us are feeling that. The betrayal, hurt, confusion, anger, all of it. The emotions we felt when we found out we were lied to. I'm here if you want to talk privately

[JustSmile]

We are all here if you want to talk privately. We all genuinely care about one another.

And I just want to say that if at any time you felt I was saying anything out of anger... I was not (its hard to decipher tone through reading a strangers words) I just want to be straight forward and honest with you. Right now I'm more concerned with your "swallow a bottle of pills" issues. So please reach out anytime you have those kind of moments

[victoriaxxx]

I agree I am sorry if I came off kind of rude.. I had so many emotions going through me.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I haven't been able to follow this properly but I'll look tomorrow at everything. @strawberry I have a bottle of klonopin I look at every night.... And think how easy it could be. I know. I understand. I'm right there with you. It's so hard. But you got to keep trying. I'm trying and you have to too. I know it's hard. Hang in there. See a therapist, I am. It helps. I love everyone on these forums. Just know you aren't alone in this and we are here for you. Big big hugs to you tonight.

[WCSDancer2010]

One last time...because I haven't seen you reply to my posts... but I'm going to say again... I had a 20 year marriage (sadly gave it to him but I didn't know I had it and back then the stigma wasn't what it is now) ...BUT since then, I've had TWO 3 year relationships and one short relationship where I realized I was a booty call with H- guys. None of them ended because of herpes.

 

Adrial also has a H- partner right now. There are others on here with H- partners. It CAN happen...

 

Right now men are more likely to walk away because of your lack of self love than anything else. That's a really heavy thing to live with (one of my relationships was with a guy who was like that....it EXHAUSTED me which is why I broke it off.)

 

Herpes is one of many, MANY "deal breakers" for some. Smoking, drugs, political beliefs, children, age, height, weight, ideals, money, style, etc etc etc...... soooo many things can come up that make a person stop and say "This relationship isn't for me". It's not personal, It's THEIR personal tolerance for those things.

 

Honey, I hope you get help for your depression. This skin condition is soooo not worth the angst you are giving it.

 

Gotta to - 3 am and I have to be up at 7.... but I wanted to check in and see how things were doing here..

 

(((HUGS)))

[Klopz]

Dancer is right!

I am one of those who has H- partner and its not so uncommon for H- partners to accept H+ pqrtners. Victoria is one of the H+ with an H- partner. I can also say that not only do i have an H- partner but he's been a very supportive, kind, and loving man through all this. Disclosure was my choice because I cared enough for this guy to not do to him what someone else did to me. I wouldn't forgive myself if I gave him this virus knowing I had it. My first thoughts when I had my OB was I could pretend i didnt have anything, give it to him, then we would never know if he gave it to me or I gave it to him, but when you love or care for someone enough HONESTY IS KEY. I hope you find peace in yourself.

[victoriaxxx]

Yes I do have a H- partner. He has been there for me since I found out about my HSV. He has been very very supportive. He is helping me find out more information. He tells me new stuff that he learns about, and I tell him stuff that I find out. He was there for me through the mental battle also. He loves me for me.. I will tell you he did look up HSV when I found out. He told me to talk about it when I was calm.. && he said "Don't warp it into your brain that I don't want you, because I want you more than you can understand." He even told me he wants me even more now because I was honest with him.. He said I couldn't even imagine being in your shoes, because that is hard to tell someone, but he respects me even more now. (: I love my H- partner.

[Orngpeelmafia]

:;waves;; hi there herpes positive girl here dating a herpes negative guy :D

 

I can't fathom the anger in these posts...it hurts my heart to read such things in a place I have come to expect nothing but support.

 

I'm sorry you're so angry SG I'm sorry you hurt. And I'm sorry you feel the need to lash out but it's ok. We all are here because of choices. That's what life is about. Choices. I chose to have sex with someone who had herpes. I chose to remain ignorant and I didn't ask. I have no idea if he knows or not either. It bugs me everyday. I think about him a lot. I wonder if he knew. I remember the night before we had sex him saying "I don't use condoms just so you know" and I wonder if that was his attempt to disclose. So many "what if"s plague my life. Back to choices. You have choices and apparently you've made yours. Think about all the "what if"s you ask yourself everyday...can you live with adding more? I know I disclosed but I still panic every now and then...but all those what ifs are quieted when I think of all the talks I've had with my boyfriend and the trust we've built between us because of and in spite of my herpes.

 

You're at a fork in the road. Choose your path wisely...walk slowly and carefully for some roads are one way and you can't come back to this point after traveling for so long.

[WCSDancer2010]

Choose your path wisely...walk slowly and carefully for some roads are one way and you can't come back to this point after traveling for so long.

 

Great advice for ANYTHING in your life :)

 

Welcome back OPM :)

[abc123]

@strawberrygirl..... Girl!! You need to get your head on straight. "I'll just pretend I'm a-symptomatic.... " did you really just say that on a herpes support forum? Reading that part of your post sent me into a downward spiral of anxiety and then just kinda pissed me off, quite frankly. You sound like an intelligent, loving and kind person. You sound like you are in tremendous pain as well. We ALL understand how that feels. I have felt as worthless and unloveable as you could possibly imagine. I have often thought of throwing myself off the nearest cliff, bridge or nearest building. I often too feel like "what's the fucking point to all this if I have to one day TELL someone I have herpes. I'd rather be hit by a speeding truck." Let me tell you how it feels to have potentially lied to someone you love and care about. I was one of the millions of people who had herpes (from viral shedding! Sneaky mother f#cker that viral shedding!!) and didn't know it. However, I DID know that my now ex-partner had it (he disclosed to me very early in our relationship). Read my personal herpes story for the additional details.... It's pathetic to say the least. My story ended very very very badly because I basically lied. And I didn't even MEAN to lie, I honestly did not know that I had herpes, but I knew that I had been exposed to it. Therefore, in turn exposed someone to the virus without giving them the choice. Oh Lord, worst thing EVER. Don't do it. Lying about it or "pretending" you are a-symptomatic is a very very very bad idea. I cannot even imagine why you would choose to do this. You absolute can pass it to another person by viral shedding... Meds or no meds, condoms, laundry bleach or hand sanitizer, etc, etc, etc.

Looking back on my own horror story, I probably would have had a way better chance of keeping my then boyfriend-- and him being more sympathetic and understanding if I had told him that I had a previous relationship with someone who had herpes. I'm not 100% sure he would have stuck by me! but the results would have been better than the day I had to call him and tell him I was positive for herpes- and I had prior knowledge of it when I was in that relationship. I totally could have lied to him that day and said " I didn't know my previous partner had it, and he infected me without my knowledge." He probably would have stayed. I could have spun that story to my benefit, thrown my previous partner under the bus and placed all the blame on him! I could have been a big huge liar about it to cover my own ass. But then I would have to live the rest of my life, looking in the mirror knowing I was a huge douche bag for lying.... And then living with that lie! There is no way on Earth I could live with myself. No way. Once you become a liar about this, then you have to stay a liar. Think about it this way..... You get involved with someone and do not disclose. You sneak your meds, you protect yourself and your partner as best you can, you go to bed each night and look in he mirror each morning knowing you are keeping a big secret that could potentially hurt someone else, someone you care about. I guess you could hide your valtrex pills in another container and say they are your daily multivitamin. Lock yourself in the bathroom to do a self check if you feel an OB coming on. If you have an OB, then you'll have to create another lie as to why you can't have sex for a week or so, maybe 2 weeks, just to be safe. That seems like heavy burden for anyone to carry. Then, time moves on, and you hope and pray that your partner doesn't wake up one day with a funny itch or blister and wonder "where the fuck did this come from?" What if you pass it to your partner and he has an outbreak before you decide to disclose? Now your are in big- time -up-a-shit-creek-without-a-paddle. Then what do you say? Do you come clean then, or continue to lie and and do a shifty reverse role/blame your partner for potentially having herpes and giving it to you? Do you see what I mean here?? Disclose 2 years into your relationship, and then think your partner will understand why you lied? That is a big gamble. The whole thing is the most disasterous ideas of all time. A doctor told you to lie about it?? Really? That just doesn't seem right to me. I hope in time you will see that this option will end up biting you in the ass even worse. You simply just can't-- from a moral standpoint-- you can't do it. You have opened up to us here. You are here for support... And you are in good company. Coming on to this site and basically telling all of us that you WILL lie about it makes us a bit uneasy and upset. We know you are hurting, we all feel that way. Herpes is not going to ruin your life, but knowing and openly lying about it eventually will. We honestly wish you the best. abc123