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Here's another recorded broadcast straight from the frontlines of Herpieville.

 

From the bedroom to the belt loop it's a glorious Saturday here in Herpieville. The sun is shining and there's not a prodome in the sky. The birds are singing, lovers are loving, and 2,500 more people in America alone will be joining our herpily enhanced community today. Why, the only thing that's growing faster in America these days is Michael Moore's waistline.

 

Not in the mood? Boyfriend or husband hasn't taken a shower in a week? Nothing to fear and no more need to pull out the ole' "I have a headache" or "It's that time of the month" ever again. Simply roll over in bed and say, "Honey, not tonight. I have herpes and the kids have soccer in the morning."

 

Today we have Dr. Ruth Westheimer joining us. Dr. Ruth, what advice would you give for virally enhanced women who are tired of getting hit on by jerks in bars who can't seem take a hint?

 

No vurries. Simply vrap your arms around ze horny li'l leipshen and visper sexily in hiz ear, "You can haf me and do vhatever you vant to me just as soon as my five children go to sleep. You should also know zat I have a raging case of herpes I'd love to share vit you bekaus I haven't done ze pokey pokey sinse my ex vent to prison last year and I'm all out of batteries for ze 12" Thunder Lover 2000." Vorks every time.

 

Oh, look everyone. Billy Idol has joined us in the studio.

 

Billy, how'd you contract genital herpes?

 

"Well, I can tell you this. I wasn't dancing with myself."

 

And, how did you feel when you got the diagnosis?

 

"I was moaning, moaning, moaning."

 

Any advice for our listeners on how to handle a breakout?

 

"Yeah, let out a rebel yell. Scares the buggery blisters away every time."

 

There you have it ladies and gentleman. You were screaming and moaning when you got herpes, and you can scream and moan to scare 'em away, too.

 

Are you a guy with herpes? Have the blisters and rashes got your li'l soldier feeling down? Well, worry no more. Herry's Mimple Remover is here to help. Simply apply Mimple Remover to your private bits and your little soldier will be standing back at attention in no time at all. Herry's special formula of aloe, motor oil, lysine, and bacon grease is just what the witch doctor ordered to help you remove the hert from herpes.

 

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon? It's true, and you just might have a little bit of someone famous inside of you, too. After years of careful analysis it's been determined that no fewer than 1/2 of all genital herpes cases in America can be traced to Derek Jeter and Paris Hilton. The other half all came straight from Mr. Robin Williams himself. So the next time someone shows you their autograph collection, simply whip out your wanger or your who ha and say, "Oh yeah, look what I got from my best friend's, ex-girlfriend's, sister's cousin after he spent a night in Paris."

 

Out on a hot date with a gal you don't know? Be careful eating off her plate. You never know how sensitive she's gonna get if you touch herpes.

 

Ever notice that Lindsay Lohan is a lot like herpes? She's a public embarrassment, vanishes for months at a time, shows up whenever she wants, is really irritating, and responds well to drug therapy.

 

This just in. The American Medical Association is suing the folks from DeBeers. Apparently, after researching the slogan for many years, they've come to the conclusion that while a Diamond may last a long, long time, only herpes lasts forever.

 

Ain't that a kick in the balls? Rumor has it that soccer legend David Beckham contracted herpes before he married Posh Spice. Makes you wonder whether the ref threw a flag on the play before he scored, doesn't it?

 

Thinking about dating a basketball player? Be careful whose balls you play with. Rumors spreading from locker rooms in LA & Boston seem to confirm that Kobe Bryant, Kris Humphries, and Dennis Rodman are happily giving herpes to their groupies.

 

Ever hear of the herpetic herpetologist? He's the guy who plays with snakes in the grass while having a pain in his ass.

 

As you head out into the world today, remember, sometimes having genital herpes is a laughing matter. To all you herpetic warriors, if you open your eyes and free your minds, herpes won't kill you but it can and will make you stronger.

 

 

 

 

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I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. - Billy Joel

 

We're all human and herpes is a minor bump in the road called life. Read your story ABC, and I think you need to add some humor into it. And, of all the support groups on this thing we call the world wide web, this is by far the coolest.

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