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been lurking for almost 2 years. thanks herpes community.

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Hi first off I'd like to say thank you to those people on here that have unknowingly helped me for almost 2 years. I've come a long way in terms of accepting my diagnosis, but honestly it's still a struggle.


Here's the simple story....I contracted this virus after 5 years of being celibate! I know, Lucky me! The man I was dating initially lied and told me he hadn't known, only to find out later he had known. He also said something abusive to me that really hit me hard. He said "You should stick with me forever because no one is going to want you now." Yep, that was about the worst thing anyone has ever said to me, and it played on my biggest fears.


Luckily the virus has not reared it's ugly head since my first OB, which was beyond horrible. I don't take any meds, just trying to eat healthy and a good immune system is working so far.


Recently I met a man who I really like, and the thought of telling fills me with anxiety, but if it comes to it I WILL tell him. I still have some residual anger towards the person who gave me this, and I will never do that to anyone. If I get rejected it will burn, but at least my character will remain intact. We are going on a date tonight but I am not ready to go there. I'm going to get to know him better and hold off. If I'm being honest before I got this I would have turned someone down b/c of herpes. I hate to say it but it would of been a deal breaker. I figured since I never had casual sex I would never get hit with anything. I naively believed that if someone had something they would tell. I'm in my late 30's so I should know better.


Hopefully someday I will get to the point where a lot of you are, full acceptance. I'm not there yet. Some shame and anger lingers, the "why me?" questions. Some days I feel like I'm back to day one, other days I think what is the big deal? As many people have said the social stigma of Herpes is far worse than the condition. Well, anyways, thanks again.

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So glad we have been able to help you through your journey. I can't say much as I'm heading out the door but I want you to know I will be cheering you on with your date, and I'm here if you ever need support or advice...


One thing. EVERY person I know has something that they can get down on themselves about - something that they fear others will learn about them. And 99% of the time, it's not 1/10th as big a deal for the majority of people as we think it will be... AND if it is a deal breaker for them, well, so be it. With Herpes, we have something we can try to educate people about and it DOES give us a place to prove our integrity to another from Day 1... and THAT ends up being more important to many than worrying about the virus we carry ;)



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I haven't dated anyone since my diagnosis, so if it gets to that point he will be the first. I'll be crushed if he seems revolted. I look online sometimes and people in forums are generally like "NO WAY!!!!" when asked would you date someone with a STI. This group is definitely more enlightened....but then again we have it!

Thank you for your warm welcome and kind words WCSDancer2010! :)

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Hello lovelucky,


Welcome. (: I am glad that you have been around lurking far longer than I have been on here supporting others ! First off, I wanted to say that I really am glad to know that you have the mind set that you want to tell the people that you are with ! I know what you mean about not having casual sex so you wouldn't get anything..

Well I have never really not had casual sex, and I got tested because I found a guy that I really want to settle down for. I was tired of the easy get it in.. I wanted to settle down. I really really really like this guy ! && I got tested and found out that I have HSV-2.. I am glad that I know now, because I was going to push it off until after I have already moved to him. I am so glad, because then I would have put him at risk ! Knowing what I nkow now and how the person didn't know/ didn't tell me.. I would never want to do that to anyone else. Ever ! That is just not me. I can't stand secrets for one.. && I don't want any one to go through the pain that I went through. I felt betrayed. I felt lied too, but the fact is they might not have even known themselves..


I would not have gotten with anyone with an STI if I didn't know before, but now this is a changing mindset.. But before I just wanted to get it in.. Also knowing that my mother has had HSV-2 for over 25 years I would have been a little more understanding, but say that is not the risk I am willing too take, but apparently that was the risk I was willing too take. Not being careful and not actually reading their papers like I will do now !


I just wanted to say thank you for posting.

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Okay so little warning here: sometimes the way I mean to say things and the way I actually say things are two completely different things and I've been sitting here trying to type something but I keep erasing it thinking it sounds offensive. I mean NO offense here I promise you and if something strikes you a certain way please ask me to clarify because I am only trying to offer a different way of looking at things to help <3


You say preH you would've viewed herpes as a deal breaker...why? Is it because of everything you "knew" about herpes? And when I say "knew" I'm referring to the social stigma. You've never had an OB since you found out two years ago that is proof enough that physically this isn't a big deal. In the past five years you may have had an OB but it was the teensiest tiniest little thing and was only out for a short period of time that you never noticed. Herpes is weird like that. And that's how it is for most people especially as time goes on. Are you so sure you would've said no to an amazing person if they had all the facts and were confident and sound in their disclosure to you or do you think maybe you're just telling yourself that now because of the shame you feel and not wanting to be hurt.


I felt that way for a little bit but the more I thought about it the more I realized we never know what would've or could've happened. We can speculate but the only sure thing in this would is was HAS happened. And what we WILL do now. I got herpes. No could'ves or should'ves will hold me back from the here and now. I WILL be an amazing person despite the emotional damage I've suffered. This is my mantra...give it a try :) you are wonderful and worth being loved. Herpes is nothing more than an annoying virus who's favorite place is very uncomfortable for us to talk about. Accept that and yourself and you'll realize that finding someone to accept this is no different than finding your love otherwise...life just threw you a speed bump in your process. You are a wonderful human being deserving of love just like anyone else :) there's no difference between us herpsters and the rest of the world.

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Thank you for your responses. Pre H I had many misconceptions, so I wouldn't of made an informed decision. I probably would of passed up someone great b/c of ignorance. That being said, the person who gave it to me is not someone great, and the lie was what killed me. Why was I dating someone not so great? Probably loneliness. And the kicker, that he said "you should just stick with me b/c no one is going to want you now." I should of thrown him out of my house for saying that, but instead I just cried b/c that's what I believed too.

Anyways, maybe you are right and I would of acted differently if I met someone amazing...I don't think I would of, but then again a real connection with someone is hard to come by.

The stigma and shame bug is hard to overcome and while I'm not shame free I'm waaaay better than I was almost two years ago. It only has impacted my emotional state, and that's something I need to work on.

Thank you for responding. Thank you for posting for all the lurking people too. I'm sure there are a ton of them out there that you are impacting positively.


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That being said, the person who gave it to me is not someone great, and the lie was what killed me.


Most people lie, and even try to give someone Herpes so they will "have" to stay with them, because of the ignorance and the stigma. Because they have bought into the story that having Herpes makes you unlovable and dirty. :(


So just try this on. While there is NO excuse for that kind of behavior, *try* to have compassion for anyone who has lied, because they are victims of the stigma which is likely magnifying other things they believe make them "unlovable". It must be a pretty miserable life to feel you have to trick someone into staying with you because your self esteem is so low :(


Herpes also becomes the "reason" that many attach to for their failures in love and life when in fact they DO have behaviors that make them less desirable and makes people walk away from them.


I once had a friend say to me "Who were YOU being that he didn't want to stay?" when I was having a particularly long and drawn out pity party about a break-up. OUCH! That hurt... a lot. But it got me thinking. And I had to admit, I had become clingy and needy (I blame it on the menopause!). I took a year off to heal (and finished menopause!) , and I am sooo much stronger for it.


Most people don't have a friend that will call them out or they don't want to look at who they are being in the world. It's easier to blame someone or something else for our behaviors - most of which are a result of insecurity and fear of not being loved. So Herpes ends up as the scape-goat for many ... the "reason" for their failures in love. And the reason they do things that are, in reality, an act of desperation.


So while you got Herpes, you got rid of a person who is a very, very broken human being. It's not the trade-off you may have wanted, but you will be better off with your H friend than with him..


And the more we do to stop the stigma, the bigger the impact will be on others so that. with luck, we will create a world where noone feels the need to lie about their status in order to feel lovable :)



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