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The irony is killing me

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Hi there, new member but I've been reading for a while now. Wanted to post now because I feel like it's been eating me up inside lately. I'm in my early 20's, a recent college grad, finished back in May, moved to Austin back in June and working as an engineer currently. I split with my college sweetheart of two years going into my last year. It was long distance and I haven't really had a proper girlfriend before (someone in my zipcode). She initiated it but came back and I didn't want to get back together because I wasn't ready to settle down. That's where that was heading and I wasn't ready for that. I try to meet women at bars unsuccessfully for a little over a year, college ends with a lot of sexual frustration and self-loathing.


Fast forward to a August, been living in Austin for a couple months. I go get drinks after work one day with some coworkers and as I'm on my way out of the bar I happen to make eye contact with this really cute girl and thought what the hell I'll go for it. I'm usually kind of awkward around women but this time it seems to be working out. End up going back to my place and doing the deed, one and only successful bar pickup of my life, didn't use a condom and now I've got genital herpes.


At 23, contracted HSV2 two months out of college. There were warning signs that I ignored telling me that I should use protection with this girl but all I was concerned about was not getting her pregnant. I had never thought that something like this would happen to me. Haven't seen this girl since, she didn't know she had it and sounded devastated when I told her. I feel like I'm supposed to be angry at her for doing doing this to me but I just blame myself for not using protection. Sometimes I can muster up some anger but usually how I deal with problems is just by blaming myself. I consider myself pretty smart, well I obviously can't be that smart. I remember thinking about a month before it happened, wow everything is going pretty well for me, I really don't have any big problems. I'm a pretty mild-mannered guy and I am way too nice for this. I feel terrible if I make someone wait on me for 10 minutes. I didn't want a serious relationship and now I'm worried about giving someone a permanent problem. My story is essentially what my teacher said would happen in health class back in high school about how people get STDs.


As of now, I'd love to be in something long term. Feeling very alone. College sweetheart moved on and is about to move in with another guy. I'm just scared that I'll end up stuck with someone I don't love because I got her infected and feel too guilty to leave. This is not how I pictured life right out of college going.


I know it'll get better eventually but I feel like I'll be missing out on my 20s now because I'm too scared to put myself out there. I was anxious and nervous around women before without that cherry on top. I'm on OKCupid but when I browse through the matches I just tell myself they'd all go running as soon as I disclose to them. How long before you feel better about this? A year? Two years?


As far as the irony in the title, I turned down some girls in high school cuz I wanted my first time to be special. First time in college ends up with me being a booty call. Long term relationship ends because I can't commit, after getting herpes that's all I really want. Met an attractive older woman recently that would have let me do whatever I could think of, nothing will ever happen cuz I told her and she doesn't want to risk it. So it looks like I could have actually had all the sex I know everyone has been having behind my back if I had just passed by that one landmine. Life's a joke sometime. Anybody else laughing?

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First - Welcome! Glad you found our forum and I hope we can help you to get to a point where Herpes isn't the "big deal" that it seems to be right now.


There were warning signs that I ignored telling me that I should use protection with this girl but all I was concerned about was not getting her pregnant.


Uh - honey, be THANKFUL you only got Herpes and didn't get her pregnant. I mean really? Talk about a life altering sexually transmitted condition??? Talk about putting a kink in your dating life? Yeah. I think you dodged a big bullet there.


You see, with anything in life, it's all about perspective and how you CHOOSE to look at things.... You are seeing the guilt (and YES, you *should* have used a condom but you STILL may have got it because condoms don't offer 100% protection...they only cut your risk by about 50%), the irony ( and yes, it is a good lesson on being careful what you wish for!), and the shame. Having lived with Herpes for most of my life (Oral since 3, genital since 17, and I'm 52 now), I'd say you actually got off lightly. A baby would have not only dented your dating life, it would have impacted your work/personal life a LOT more than Herpes ever would...


FYI I am on OkC and I have completely disclosed ON my profile and I got (and am still getting) plenty of interest...from men who applaud my honesty. Some ask for more info and move on, some say they are scared but really want to get to know me because of my integrity, and some just don't care. Got the same reaction on PoFish. So don't think your dating life is over. And if you look around here there are TONS of success stories of H+ folks dating H- folks.


So it looks like I could have actually had all the sex I know everyone has been having behind my back if I had just passed by that one landmine.


Perhaps you stepped on this landmine but having Herpes may help you avoid walking into a much bigger battlefield. You will think twice before hopping in bed with someone, hopefully get to know them better.... figure out if they are the kind of girl you want as a wife and not as a booty call. You will have a conversation about STD's and you will make sure she is tested (and you too for all the other STD's) so you don't get something MUCH worse.


I promise it WILL get better.... just be patient, and use this time to get everything else in your life where it needs to be to have the woman of your dreams walk into your life.



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Chief, I can relate on so many levels that it's like reading my own story. Adjust the ages a little bit and I could have written this myself.


Life's a joke, and the only people who don't find it funny are those who don't take the risks and shun the challenges when they arise. I've taken risks and gotten skinned knees, depleted bank accounts, and an incurable STD. That's life, but when I get up to the Pearly Gates and St. Pete asks, "Well, what did you think?" I'm gonna look him straight in the eye and say "That was fun. Now what the hell is up with the Platypus, man? Seriously, a venomous mammal is a sign that someone up here spent a little too much time on the ganja pipe." Then we'll talk about herpes and all the other stuff once we get that all important question out of the way.


Your life is not over. Your life is not over until they put you in the nursing home and force feed you jello shots until you can't take it anymore and decide that death is preferable to listening to the guy in 4b ramble on about his great grandchildren and how back in his day people wore Spandex and listened to Twisted Sister. At that point, you'll decide that it's time to check off the final item on your bucket list as you strip buck naked as the day you were born and go dancing on the Santa Monica Freeway during rush hour. Hey, my motto is, if you're going to go out, go out as a headline.


So, welcome to the community. WCS is the forum mom, I'm the crazy but well meaning uncle, and you have plenty of brothers and sisters here who are looking forward to getting to know you.

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@chuck.... I totally understand the irony of your story. I had different circumstances, but in the end, yup, very ironic that I ended up here as well. Anyways, this is a great site with a lot of support. I was diagnosed in October and still have bad days about this, but it is getting better. It will for you as well. Keep your chin up and let us know how you're doing. Hugs, abc123

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herry has it figured out.... fuck that was one of the funniest things I have ever read. herpes related or not! reality is, it feels like the joke is on you but in fact its just a life lesson. you didn't do anything wrong, you lived life just like we all do and just like we all have. you dodged a bullet for sure..... life isn't over, just beginning. as you can see you are not alone. this is not a life sentence, its an opportunity to be better and grow. don't let a blister here and there hold you back.....there is a world full of connected humans out there who understand that what you carry doesn't define who you are. even if others have not shown they are elevated don't lose faith. keep trying, after 17 years with herpes I can tell you...... life is awesome. be brave, love deeply and don't ever feel shame. others will love you and want you, trust me

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So well said -


See folks, Fitgirl has had this 17 yrs, I've had it over 35 yrs. We are living proof that life can be REAL good with Herpes. I know it doesn't seem like it when you are first diagnosed but it's true.


Irony, or just a really big life lesson? Life comes with no guarantees ... risk is part of living. The secret is to learn how to balance risk with outcome, and to accept that when you lose the gamble it's just part of life. That, or you can lock yourself in your house and never come out.


For me, I'll choose life and living it to the fullest. ;)

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Talk about ironey my husband of 43 years died, we hadn't had sex in 35 years, I was his caretsker gor 2 yearsctill he died. The first man I had sex with I got oral herpes 1 genital of the laibia any way he said he didnt know he had it.we didnt use condom either. I didnt think about stds.glad I red this message. I made a big mistake too and I am a grandma. The irony of life is humor. The next partner left when I tod about the H. That was a mistake too.

Good luck too the gentleman. The lessons are their. This site is very emotionaly helpful.



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I like the idea high light your gains blindspot your failures.we the H people gained a lot from this virus. It could have been HIV. We gained humility. We gained. Probmem solving for the next experiece.life is making mistakes again and again and again.

I didnt want to leave this earth a virgin. I was angry at my husband for all those years of lossed intimacy. I feel punished for having sex recently snd getting H but it was worth it . Maybe thrir eill be a 3rd chance or maybe. not.

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Wow Joan - 35 year of no intimacy. Yet you stuck by your hubby. And when the time came, all you wanted was the touch, the feeling of another human being one more time. There was nothing wrong in that.


You were not being punished for having sex, you were just a victim of the system - a system that deems it unnecessary for someone to be tested for HSV unless they are having symptoms. A system that doesn't properly educate the masses, let alone FAMILY DOCTORS about the truth about HSV ... especially the aysymptomatic viral shedding issue. A system that has created an undeserved stigma through fear mongering and shoving the discussions under a rug. That's all.


I truly hope you get your third chance. If not, maybe along the way, you can be a voice for Seniors. They so need to be properly educated too ... many, MANY seniors come out of long relationships/marriages like you did, completely out of date about how to have "safe" sex.... and even more important, how to have a conversation about STD's and SEEING the other person's test results...or at least knowing you are taking a risk if you take their word that they have been tested for everything.


I'm so glad you found us... big (((HUGS))) to you my friend :)

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Thats a good idea you have about better informing Drs and therapist about seniors and STD. No one even said use a condom to me. I went to a gyn nursepractioner, & 3 different counclers. Before I had the sex. Never heard anything from them about safesex. One said after I got the herpes and asked her how come she never mentioned to me about the safesex when I went to see her she said " your 70 years old. you should know all this".

I asked the very religious church goer who gave me the herpes if he was std free and he said he said "I m clean", He came down with a herpes break out on the lips and nose after I got the herpes 1 genital from him. he must of been shedding when I got it. I never saw him again after I had the outbreak. but he texted me that about a week after I got it he said he had a very bad break out to the lips and nose. The second boy friend dumped me after I mentioned that I had HPV 1, I was of no use to him anymore. Simple dinners and handholding was not what he had in mind. I don't like to curse but this was definitly funny.

He said he's going to miss the "pussy". thats the last I heard from him. humor is our best friend. Life is full of suprises.

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The Dr Gynocologist a head of the dept in a hospital, I went to him with a list of questions for the second boyfriend before the sex and all he said was use the condom and then after three months take off the condom, that herpes 1 was no big deal. We never did discuss about the telling. Maybe the professional Medical field do not care or know enough. No one really wanted to talk openly about the sex subject. They figure seniors are going to die soon anyway. I will print out your paperwork and give to these people who really have no idea about the telling, 50% safety with condom and the shedding HSV.

I still work 5 days a week so I am not retired yet.My time is limited. But I think it might be something I would like to do. I was supprised how little people want to talk about herpes.

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At 70+ most doctors consider "safe sex" being able to do the funky chicken without breaking a hip "safe sex." The prevalence of viagra has now prolonged sexual activity well into the 90's. In fact, next to college, the fastest growing rates of STD's are in nursing homes.


As far as the dud that dumped you, you should let him know that 80%+ of people your age have HSV1. It's the reality. I would have cursed him plenty. In fact, send him a very racy message including all the things that you would have done to him had he not rejected you and give him a heart attack. Then tell him that if he wants to see a pussy, all he needs to do is look in the mirror because if a guy his age can't deal with a cold sore, well, he's the biggest pussy I've ever heard of.


As far as your doctor's advice, I would not recommend wearing a condom for 3 months. That's a bit restricting, makes urinating difficult, and quite frankly, not very comfortable. Now, if what he meant was to use condoms for 3 months, get tested together, then stop using them if you're negative for HIV and other STD's, well, that's a personal decision and I could see that. Again, get some FC2 female condoms as they'll be far more comfortable for your partner.


Most doctors assume people your age are "educated" about STD's, etc. But, the reality is, you're not. In fact, most of what you knew about STD's has been long forgotten in long-term relationships. It never hurts to brush up and share what you learn with your peers.







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Bahahahahhaaa!!! I LOVE you Herry .... you are sooo right about the "pussy".... I'm just glad I wasn't drinking my coffee when I read that :)


I do have to interject here with something though ... *perhaps* with Viagara a 70 yr old could use condoms but reality is most men at that age would have problems with them. So as Herry mentioned, the FC2 condom ( http://www.fc2femalecondom.com/ ) is probably your best bet....


What I AM concerned about is that as I understand it, the Dr was telling Joan to use condoms for 3 months while her Herpes gets under control then stop using them. Doesn't sound like they discussed Supressive meds. And none seem to tell anyone about the FC2 condom. :(


" your 70 years old. you should know all this"."


This is the problem - for one, no doctor should ASSUME that you know anything (we know that to Assume makes an ASS out of U and ME :P ) On top of that, most people who have been married 45 years are likely to be the LEAST well educated... you've been in a monogamous relationship... your knowledge of STD's is old "facts" from the 60's and 70's. *Sigh*. More work for us to educate the Doctors... :(


I don't think it' because they think you will die soon - if anything at your age they need to do more to protect you because your immune systems may well be getting weaker so why stress it with something if you can avoid it???



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Thank you both harry and Dancer, I really appreciate your factual info. Especially about the FC2 condom. that would be perfect for HS 1 virus genital. I decided not to contact the boyfriend 2 who rejected me. Its too upsetting to open the doors to an additional rejection.

Yes one Dr did mention that she thought at 70 years old's immune system does not need to be dealing with Herpes. Thats all she said. I do not know what she was suggesting. She didn't talk much she was with italian accent. maybe in Italy the older people 70+ sit in rocking chairs. That Dr did diagnose the HS1.by the swab test.

Have a great day

You made me laugh about the Pussy in the Mirror

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Kudos to you Joan for dating and living your life to the max. Hope to be like you when I'm older. And chuck, I feel your pain. Had sex for the first time with my first bf and here I am. He also cheated on me a couple months ago. -_____- I think we have to learn how to forgive, not totally sure how yet but that will help us tremendously. Right now I hate my bf for not being able to talk to me and console me bc he's in Afghanistan. I hate him for giving this to me. I hate my life right now. But hate is a futile and dangerous emotion, along with regret. So I have to really remember that, even though it's so hard. (Sorry for the rant)

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