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Herpes disclosure – success!


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I loved him from the first time I saw him. He is the only person I have ever met who I instantly adored and yearned to get to know. There was just something about him! The problem for me was that I was too shy to say so. So for 3 years, I settled for a smile and a wave as we passed each other on the street or ran into each other at concerts. I always got butterflies, but never the nerve to open my mouth and say hello.

 

In the mean time, someone else began pursuing me. The relationship was awful. He hated my friends, and checked up on me when I went out. He insulted me constantly and made wild accusations about things that made no sense. I knew I needed to get away from him, and made the obvious decision to break up with him. Then suddenly it hurt to pee. I got a fever. The skin on the back of my legs hurt. I had herpes.

 

Needless to say, I was devastated (as we all are). The person who gave them to me took advantage of the circus going on in my mind at that delicate time and convinced me that no one else would ever want me now, and that I should just stay with him. He was the only one who would ever accept me. Even though I hated him for what he had done to me, I believed that he was right. I was a monster now. Disease infested and disgusting, he was my only choice.

 

Our already ugly relationship got worse as he continued to mistreat and manipulate, and my resentment for him and his betrayal grew day by day. Looking back, the right course of action was so obvious the whole time, but anyone who has been infected will understand the feelings of worthlessness and the prognosis of perpetual solitude we face when considering our herpes filled futures. Unfortunately, it's just not that easy. But finally, after too many months of living this way, I decided to free myself. Being alone forever would be a paradise compared to being trapped in a relationship with someone I distrusted and despised. So I prepared myself for a lifetime of wine fueled girls nights in. I got a kitten. I ended it.

 

In the months following, I went on a few dates. Never with the same person twice. I kept them short, and never let the conversation progress beyond superficial chit chat. I spent the whole date imagining what their face might look like when I told them what I had. I never let them kiss me. I never called them back. None of them were worth the heartbreak and embarrassment that was sure to result from my honesty.

 

Then I ran into him. For the first time since I began dating the now long gone inconvenient gift giver of my past. And for the first time...ever...he talked to me! He walked straight up to the place where I stood swaying to the music of the band that was playing and told me that we needed to hang out. How could I say no?! I instantly became horrified at the thought of him ever finding out about my secret, but smiled and gave him my number. Him, who I had wanted all along.

 

Our first date was the very next night, and as it turned out, he was not only the handsome & talented musician with the crooked smile whom I had adored from afar these last few years. He was also a highly intelligent, kind, caring, empathetic person who had lived a colorful and sometimes difficult life of his own. He was amazing. It. Was. Terrifying. This incredible human was the person who would be on the receiving end of my very first disclosure.

 

Beginning with our first date, we spent every night together for 3 weeks. I told him that sex was an important step for me and that it just wasn't something that I could rush into. He respected me. He didn't ask questions, or try to convince me otherwise. He just pulled me close, stroked my hair, and kissed my forehead every night. He didn't demand an explanation, so I took the easy road and didn't offer one.

 

After 3 weeks of this, I really began to feel like a fraud. In the beginning, I wanted to be sure that our time together was leading somewhere before I disclosed, but now that time had passed. It was clear that we cared for one another, and now I was just staying quiet because it was easier for me.

 

So I told him.

 

His response was equally as kind and considerate and caring as he is in every other aspect of his life. He thanked me for being honest with him and trusting him enough to open up to him about it. He told me that he was sorry that this had happened to me. That I didn't deserve it. That he wished he could change it for me. He even offered a very personal story of his own, and told me about something that happened to him when he was young to try to make me feel less exposed. He then told me that nothing that I have been through makes me any less funny, intelligent, beautiful, or worthy than before and that this didn't change the way he felt about me at all.

 

That was 3 months ago, and he still holds me close and strokes my hair and kisses my forehead every night.

 

Tonight I have another disclosure to make to him. I'm gonna tell him that I'm in love with him.

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I have had the exact same disclosure experience and in fact, contracted herpes in the same way!!! a man trying to control me and not wanting me to ever leave him. there are some real losers in the world. that said, those types of people give us a great gift. they teach us that love is more than skin deep and we cannot be controlled. we are loveable and perfect as we are. my disclosure was equally traumatic, I was so scared and nervous to tell this man I loved deeply that I had herpes. the trauma quickly turned into the most loving and romantic and connected experience I have ever had. we need to share these great stories as much as possible to let others know that there are soooo many cool and amazing people out there who live a deeper life and value the person inside. its our own fears that hold us back a lot of the time, we need to remember that if we love ourselves and feel worthy then others will too. we have to take the lead and give the ones we love and care about more credit sometimes! its an amazing feeling to have someone accept you and understand you and support you in a deep and meaningful way. so thank that jerk who gave this to you......I firmly believe it was your path to finding the man of your dreams

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Wow that really beautiful written ,thanks for sharing...I could really feel the pain you felt with the other guy and your truly honest feelings for your new soul made, lover and friend.

Wish you both good luck. I don't know you as person but you gave us all a small look in your beautiful heart. You deserve it, enjoy every moment

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@fitgirl (and others who have been exposed by someone looking to entrap them into a relationship)

 

Just as a perspective, while one could call those people "losers", most are actually acting in that manner because of the stigma that has them convinced that they are unlovable with Herpes and the only way to have someone stay is to entrap them ... not that it's right, but if you can see them as sad, lonely, scared humans (who likely had no self esteem to start with) then you can forgive them a little more easily ... AND it gives people like myself more drive to get rid of the stigma so that these people don't have to feel that way...

 

Peace :)

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I totally agree! in my case it was willful and purposeful harm (he also kidnapped me, sexually assaulted me, stole my money and ruined my credit) that said....I have let go of the rage many years ago. I actually believe that there is no place for blame in all of this. it really doesn't matter how we got herpes, all that matters is what we do with it. I will say when the intentional entrapment is fresh, you have the right to feel hate and rage and anger. its part of the process and its natural. the key is to get it all out and then let it go. I really believe it was a gift and I am thankful for everything I have experienced in my life, no regrets. its made me who I am today and I am wickedly awesome :)

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I am soooo happy for you! I, too, got chills and teary eyed. This is so encouraging for me. I need to disclose to the guy that I have been seeing. He, too, is caring, makes me feel good, makes me laugh, makes me comfortable, and is very patient (we have not had sex at all since meeting which has been 3 months ago). He told me that when I was ready for that step then we would be together. I am trying to educate myself in the meantime so I can share information with him about this virus and answer any questions he may have (hoping he's still in the same room with me when I say the "H" word). Thanks for sharing your positive experience. I just hope mine goes as well as yours did. Enjoy your time with him. He sounds like an awesome guy. Wishing you both the best.

 

Hugs!!

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  • 1 month later...
  • 7 months later...

So beautifully written!! I'm so happy for you. I also disclosed about a month ago to my boyfriend, and we're still so happy and completely head over heels for each other. And it hasn't impacted our sex life at all! ;-) To everyone who feels like they're doomed to the single life forever, its NOT true at all!

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