Venting.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Just now a friend of mine came over. She is one of my best friends. We start talking and she tells me how her and her boyfriend were talking about stds and how she told him that she knew four people who had herpes. I said you did not tell him about me right? She said no. That's your place. I said yeah. She goes but he told me he knew people who had it too. Said he stopped one of his friends from going home with a girl who he knew had it. I looked at her and said yeah I definitely won't be telling him. He clearly looks at people with it as untouchable and unlovable. I said we still can do things ya know, have sex, be touched and be loved. She goes he wasn't saying that at all. I said it sure sounds that way. Maybe she was on medicine and would use condoms. It wasn't his place to jump in and stop his friend from going home with her. She goes so you wouldn't stop us if we knew about someone. I said no. Id tell you to wrap it up like I always have. I said but he clearly views people with it as disgusting. Again, it went back and forth. She goes you are always in a bad mood, everything is always about you. You were worried about a bump on your lip instead of our friend who had boyfriend issues when she was over the other night. (This girl is dating an abusive guy and we have given her every opportunity to help her leave, so when she comes to us with her shit, it's like well you aren't doing anything about it and been opportunities to have help. So yeah it's a little annoying to all of us when se refuses to leave him.)You think you have herpes everywhere. I don't want to deal with this tonight. I said because it's been three months and I still think every bump on my body is herpes and I spread it. I threw a glass in my hand in my sink and said then just fucking leave. She started to talk and I said just get out. And now I'm sitting here crying. I hate her. I hate him. And I hate how my life is. Everyone is so fucking inconsiderate.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

This is my text to her: If you honestly feel I think everything is about me, then I think we should stay away from each other. I'm sorry that you don't want to deal with my issues. I don't exactly want to listen about (boyfriend name) and you all the time, but I do. I don't want to deal with this either but I don't get a fucking choice. I have to. I'm not in a bad mood all the time. The last few times we have been out, I have had a blast and been in a fantastic mood. Maybe this would be easier if Dustin was here. But he isn't. And I'm dealing with it alone. I am sorry that it is such an issue for you. I truly am. Maybe if someone took away your future you would understand. Maybe if people looked at you like you were disgusting, untouchable, unlovable you would understand. But you don't. And I am so sorry that my anger and hurt and issue is something you don't want to deal with. My life is a living hell right now. Every ache, bump, itch sends me into a panic. So you don't know how it feels to be terrified everytime something feels off about your body. You don't have to deal with it. So don't.

[victoriaxxx]

First off. I completely understand where you are coming from. I was at a friends house a few nights ago and a lot of people in the room were talking about STD's and how gross people who had them were.. I have no idea how the issue came up, but it did. I was so hurt... but I had to hide the pain. Finally, I have had enough of it. I left. Sitting here think that every little bump everywhere is herpes, when it isn't. It's just scary, because we got that choice taken away from us. Now we have to admit to every person we are with about our little H friend. && you know most of the time I don't even think about it.. and most of the time I think that is not that big of a deal, but when it gets brought up like that it really really hurts and stings.. I was just sitting there thinking... Am I really that nasty ? Am i really that disgusting? None of these people even know that I have an STD, yet they are talking about others who do have STD's... and they would never know unless I told them. Until that moment when they find out (( Which they won't)) they wouldn't think I was nasty. The stigma is fucking ridiculous and really hurts my feelings and everyone elses feelings.

 

&& about your friend thinking that everything is about you. You were speaking the truth. What was on your mind, she should have never came to you to talk about it if she was going to be upset with what came out of your mouth. I mean when you are talking to a friend and telling them not to go with a girl that has an STD that definitely sounds like he thinks people with STD's are unloving..

 

Thats just like today my friend talked to me and she started crying, because she had sex with her ex boyfriend unprotected, AFTER I TOLD HER A MILLION TIMES TO USE A CONDOM, and she says she remembers that her friend has herpes, and that she slept with her ex boyfriend. So she needs to get checked.. She says " I don't know what I will do if I have herpes." && I know I went through those feelings when I went to go get checked out, and I was telling her that if it happens that she will live. 80% of Americans have herpes anyways.. and its really not that bad. && She was like " Well then no one will want to be with me any more" I told her that I have plenty of guys that still want me despite the herpes.. I am sorry for talking so much, but I needed to vent a little also.

[WCSDancer2010]

Oh dear..... I just want to come over there and hug you both....

 

So Victoria... I want to give you a "what if" scenario...

 

What if, when your friends were talking about STD's..what if you just gave them some facts...that 80% of people have herpes by the time they are 50 and that pretty much everyone will get HPV (even those who have the shot...as it only protects against about 6 of the 30 or so strains)....

 

What if you had asked them all, how often are you having sex without a condom?

 

What if you had told them that you can get herpes WITH a condom on?

 

What if you had told them that you can't always "see" that a person has herpes and that 80% who have it don't know they have it because they have not been tested?

 

What if you had told them that they may *think* they are STD free but that at least 25% of the people in the room likely has an STD already and that that is a conservative figure for your age group?

 

If you don't want everyone to know you have Herpes you could say you did some research for a paper, or you have a friend who is in the medical field, or whatever.

 

What if you become a stand to educate anyone who acts as your friends were doing?

 

What if YOU refuse to buy into the stigma any more? Because by leaving that party, you are still allowing the stigma to run your life....

 

I'm not saying you were wrong or whatever to leave - just putting something in front of you to think about. You will be moving soon and those kids won't matter to you anyway. By walking away, you left feeling dis-empowered. When you finally refuse to allow the stigma to rule your thoughts and fears, and you take a stand for what I KNOW you believe in, you may find yourself feeling empowered beyond belief because what people think of you WON'T MATTER.

 

For me, I don't care what people think of me any more. I KNOW who I am. I KNOW what I stand for. I KNOW that anyone who is ugly towards me is only showing me who they are...BUT, since coming out, NO-ONE has said one nasty thing to me. Now granted some of your young friends may be unkind...but then again, are those people anyone you want as a friend anyway?

 

I'm putting this to you because I know that you have it in you to be a powerful spokesperson for those with Herpes. I believe that this part of your journey is preparing you to become more powerful and stronger than you can ever imagine. When you finally cross that line, when you open that closet door all the way (because I know you have already got your foot well and truly out the door ;) ), YOU my friend will be a force to be reckoned with.

 

(((HUGS)))

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I just want it to be over. That is all I pray for.

[WCSDancer2010]

@thisisgoingtobeokay

 

Sorry you have had a bad week.

 

So here's the thing. You can't be mad at these people because they are ignorant through no fault of their own. They are living from a place of mis-information, blissful ignorance, and a goodly dash of youthful "I'm invincible" thinking that is typical of teens and twenty-somethings. They are victims of a broken system where even the friggin DOCTORS are mis-informed. So making them wrong for their ignorance isn't helping the situation. And being mad because they don't understand you (because they just plain CAN'T) won't help either.

 

And honey... I do love you but I'm guessing your friend has a point about your mood. You have allowed Herpes to run your life. You are allowing yourself to live in a pity party that noone wants to join you in AND they so much want the old YOU back. AND you are making strides in that direction which is a wonderful thing. Really, if you are having such a hard time with this, how would you deal with a REAL disaster/life altering accident/illness. I mean, look up Nick Vujicic on youtube.... esp his most recent news .... if anyone has an excuse to feel sorry for himself, he does. But instead he goes out and empowers others to appreciate what they have and live life to the fullest. I just showed a couple of his videos to my father (who is having his own personal struggles) because every time I watch them, I come away so grateful for everything I have and for the fact that the ONLY thing that is "wrong" in my life is this nuisance skin condition.

 

So here's my suggestion to you. I'd love to see you start a Gratefulness Journal on here. Come on every day and post one thing in it that you are grateful for. It can be your friends, the feeling of the sun on your back, a really great meal you had that day...whatever. You see, when you practice being grateful for the good things in your life, the "bad" stuff doesn't seem as big. I hope you will try this on ... give it at least a month. Maybe we can make it another thread like the "Quotes" thread... where everyone posts what they are grateful for.... if you could start it that would be a wonderful thing ;)

 

You are too beautiful to let this damned virus do this to you..... it's time to fight back and take back your life :)

 

(((HUGS))) my friend.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I'm not the old me. And she won't ever be back. I don't know why this is so hard for me. I thought I was a strong person but I just am not dealing with this well still. I just want someone to love me so I know that it can happen. That's what I need. I have days where I am doing so good but then days where I just don't want to be alive anymore and feel completely exhausted. It's just a lot to deal with. It's not just having herpes. It's my parents and him and the hurt and anger from all that. I miss my dad. And I feel like I have let him down, not to mention they don't believe me and treated me like I was a deserving whore for this. I have a lot of anger towards so many people and I think that's why I can't get past it. I'm holding onto so many emotions still and it's exhausting. I just want my old life back, and I can't have it and it's so hard to accept. It's all of it. Herpes is the problem that started it all. I would be fine if there wasn't so much bad shit that happened because of it. I don't speak to my parents. I miss them and really needed them and they let me down. And Dustin really let me down. It's just all of it. Not as much as herpes but everything else that has happened since it. I can't deal with it all on top of accepting that I have this forever.

[victoriaxxx]

I mean I could care less what they think about me. I mean they aren't going to matter in a while anyways. Soon it is going to be me and my boyfriend. Maybe some other people in my life, but soon it is only going to be me and him who matters.

 

I could have come out and told them. This is what I have. Here are the statistics. Here are the facts. && that 1 in every 4 of them probably already have it. I am trying to get over this stigma, but sometimes it just gets to me. How they can talk down to someone and degrade someone. && I know people like these you can tell them all they want, but they are just going to have to learn on their own. I am working over getting over this stigma and I think I have come a long way. I know that I can help other people in their journeys as well. Herpes or not. They can still get educated.

 

I know that most of those people don't use condoms. I haven't used a condom in 5 years, but will now. I know most of them think that " Oh I can see it and I don't sleep with nasty people." But in fact you don't know what someone has to hide from you. && yes I could put myself into their shoes. I guess I have been having a chip on my shoulder lately from all this " You don't deserve to be love crap." I feel like my boyfriend and I have been losing each other slowly. & that could just be me. I don't know. I am a really open person, but lately I have been not. That is why I took a break.

 

I know that I can help many people. As i have always wanted to guide people into the right direction. But the things they said were hurtful and it stung.. && I didn't think I was leaving because I was letting the stigma get to me.. I was leaving because I thought these werent people that I wanted in my life.. Maybe I should have educated them, and then seen their reaction, then see if I wanted them in my life.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I'm just hurt. Really hurting.

[WCSDancer2010]

Awww @TIGTBOK honey, I know you are hurting but I'm having trouble believing that Herpes is the problem that started it all.. I'm guessing that your communication with your parents has had issues long before this came along. When the parent/child bond is strong something like this wouldn't cause any issue. Is there any chance you could get counseling with them?

 

Have you tried to approach your parents now that you have been gone awhile? You may want to try to reach out to ONE of them and ask to meet somewhere for lunch to talk. I'd start with your father.... take a disclosure handout with you. EDUCATE him. Tell him you need his love and support. If you can get him to see the truth perhaps he could help you with your mother.

 

BTW: The "Old me" is gone every morning when I wake up. Every day I have the chance to be a better version of myself. Every day I can choose to put out a olive branch to someone who has hurt me, or accept one that has been extended to me. Today, I have very few people who even begin to upset me... but it took a lot of work to get here.

 

So please, keep working at it. Try the gratefulness postings. Reach out to your father. Let him know that his little girl NEEDS him. You may be surprised.... I bet he is hurting just as much as you are....

 

(((HUGS)))