When taking a Stand bites you in the ass

[WCSDancer2010]

So I just had a long drawn out message-fest with my youngest daughter. Seems someone I told about my coming out/advocate work is the mother of some young guy who she was going to go on a date with and the mother said/did something to make him not go out with her (I think she told him he couldn't go out with her...which, given he's in his 20's, tells me he's a Ball-less mama's boy).So now she is major pissed at me for "ruining her life". Sigh. We've always had a touchy relationship and I can't ever seem to do anything right for her. She has depression issues and it seems I am the cause for everything that is wrong in her life... or at least, I didn't do things the "right" way.

 

I love her dearly but I really don't know what to do with her. Her father is gay and that's ok that he's out but I'm not supposed to be ok with Herpes. Sadly she is just as ignorant about Herpes as many people out there and because it's ME that has it, she doesn't want to listen to me about how ANYONE can get it and that most people have one form or another.

 

I guess I have to be a bit more careful about who I talk to about it in this small town but GAWD that pisses me off. I'm so over the fucking stigma.

 

:(

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

@wcs Being a "20 year old" something, we don't always understand our parents. You went through it I'm sure too. Things are so different today it seems. I agree. The boy is a little mommas boy, of which I've had my fair share of and God are they annoying. His mother seems to be a bitch as well. Your coming out, having herpes, has nothing to do with your daughters dating life and it's sad that a mother would determine who her son can and cannot date. Been on that road too with my folks, I'm just the more stand up screw you type.

 

I wish she would listen to you. So badly. It can happen to anyone and it's a scary thought. You are so wise and I WISH I had you as a mom. I doubt id be sitting where I am.

 

Anyways, the "ruin my life" thing will pass. She is so lucky to have a mother like you. The "my life is ruined/you are ruining my life" is a very common common saying among us 20 something's, which I sure you know that too.

 

I am so lucky to have you on here, and it hope that this situation doesn't make you think twice about your coming out. The stigma is what has all of us in pieces. It's really... Really.... Not that bad physically. It just isn't. At least for me so far. I hate it too.

 

Hope things get better soon. She will come around. :)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

And... She really should get on here and read posts... My posts, whoevers posts, maybe she will get out of that I don't want to listen to my mom thing.... And realize how damn fast this happens to you... Not just herpes, but anything in life for that matter.... Life's a bitch... Just got to be a bigger bitch back, I say.

[WCSDancer2010]

Yeah - I wish she would read this stuff too but like many of us here, we have friends and family who "know about these things" and don't want to hear anything more. As far as she is concerned, I got it because of a poor choice and no condom ..which is true...BUT, a condom might not have protected me anyway... hell, I was 17 and it was the 70's. EVERYONE had an STD then because HIV wasn't in the picture and birth control was the new magic pill so it wasn't just about Free Love any more, it was about Free Willy too :p

 

Ugh. You think when your kids grow up they will grow out of this crap... sadly many don't..... and I don't know how to deal with her any more :(

[fitgirl]

Whoa...... @wcs...when it comes to our children we don't always have perspective. This is one of those moments. Regardless of what we do and who we are, we can't guarantee our children. Will be the people we tried to raise them to be. Sometimes it takes longer than we hoped for them to mature and sometimes it never happens and we live with the knowledge we did our best. You have spent countless hours giving so many on this forum wicked advice that is wise and heartfelt... I am going to turn your own strategy back on you. if you read this post, what would you say? You would say that there is no downside to transparency and honesty. There is no fault in owning who and what you are. There is not shame in this and the stigma is only what we allow it to be and we WILL NOT allow it to define us. This is fucking ridiculous.... how can something so trivial create such emotional pain? I can't explain it any more than you can but I it's up to us to keep pushing forward and realizing that our children are shit heads sometimes... we love them anyway and eventually they grow out of being shit heads. (hopefully). At the end of the day, you know deep down this issue with your daughter (and everyone else in the scenario) isn't about herpes at all. It's about maturity and integrity. You have both in spades.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I love @fitgirl posts. They make me laugh. "Our children are shitheads."

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

@wcs maybe it's the whole "spreading wings thing?" She wants you when she needs your advice or need something, but doesn't when it comes to other things. My parents referred to this as the "I want to be an adult on my terms" stage. They would tell me I don't get to choose when I'm an adult and don't need them, then turnaround and do things children do (immature, irresponsible things and expect them to fix it). Although I don't speak to my folks, and despise their very existence right now, some stuff before H made sense to me that they said. SHOCKER!

[WCSDancer2010]

Sadly she doesn't come to me for advise... but she DOES come to me when she needs something... like my washer/drier :p

 

We've always had a tenuous relationship... she's a Daddy's girl ... if he does something she shrugs it off... if I do something, I'm meant to grovel and apologize because it "ruined her life". Sigh. I don't know how I raised this child to be this way. My other daughter certainly gave me a lot of gray hairs in her teens but now we get along pretty well and our lines of communication are really healthy ... that's the problem, I just can't seem to communicate with Jess.

 

AND, it's 2 AM and I can't sleep and my stomach is in knots and I have to get up at 4 am to catch a flight home... its gonna be a long-assed day tomorrow...er... today :(

[lelani]

Oh you poor love...I know how it feels to be judged by your children. And we are also only as happy as our unhappiest child...that's the struggle of motherhood. I have wonderful relationships with all my kids but they have had their trials along the way too.

 

I made a decision to tell them about my herpes and HPV - very hard to do as their father passed the HPV to me when he was unfaithful. They all reacted differently and didn't really want to talk about it. I felt judged by my son and oldest daughter even though they didn't really say anything negative. My youngest came to me not long after I told them and her partner had been diagnosed with HPV...I was able to support them both and it bought us really close together.

 

I made a decision not to come out to everyone. I told close friends and family, men I dated and that's it. My family is very well known in our home city, and we are known nationally from a TV show we were in. It would be difficult for my children if I made it public, so I don't. Whether this reinforces the stigma...I don't care. I just didn't want to put my kids in a difficult position through something that was personal to me.

 

Kids get embarrassed and don't want to think of their mothers having sex let alone having and STI. And each child is different, what works for one doesn't work for another. Your Jess may need to grow up some more, may not be able to cope with your amazing honesty and wisdom (she could feel intimidated and inadequate in the face of it).

 

I have a Jess too and when she was younger our relationship was a huge challenge...now she is in her mid 20's she is amazing and we are very close. Hang in there WCSDancer...you can only be who you are and keep loving her. Sending you a hug because I know how hard it is when you feel you can't connect with your kids. x

[PrimordialOoze]

Dancer. I am so sorry you are having these things going on. I have 2 girls and they are very young. So, I have that to look forward to. Well, my husband was a mamas boy and it was challenging to say the least - ooooo I could tell you "stories".

 

The worst you can do right now is show her that her behavior and attitude towards you is bothering you. Ask me, I was once a daughter just like her. And let me tell you, when my mom ignored my temper tantrums and silently said "I love you even though you are so mad at me", it would piss me off more. But you know what? It worked. My mom set her limits with me and slowly but surely I straightened out. We still have our moments but we also respect each other.

 

So, even though your daughter is mad at you, shrug it off. The (h) is playing wing-man for her too and she doesn't even know it. Much love ~ me

[WCSDancer2010]

The (h) is playing wing-man for her too and she doesn't even know it.

 

Yeah - I pointed that out to her.... funny thing it just made her madder even though she didn't disagree either...

 

"I love you even though you are so mad at me"

 

Yeah - I'm trying...but I'm just hurt. She said some pretty ugly things ... I can take it from anyone else but she knows better and she's so supportive of things like HIV and Gay issues (we've done several 8 mile sponsored walks as a family for Aids). :(

[fitgirl]

@wcs.. often our children are the ones who test us the most. You have come too far to let this bring you down or pull you back. The reality is.... we can't control what anyone thinks or feels, even our own flesh and blood. stay your course, be loud and be proud. The rest is out of your control.

[PrimordialOoze]

Dancer - Much love to you. The people who know us the best will hurt us the most. I agree with fitgirl, her reactions and behavior are out of your control. You are such a positive person here. Seriously you have helped me so much in such a short time. Even though you are hurting you still get on this forum and put yourself out there to help people in need and that is a true HERO. So, let her be mad and hurtful, it has nothing to do with you. It is her problem for feeling all this negativity and ugliness. She has to get over herself and experience real life. Rereading this, I feel like I sound super harsh, but I am going to let this be because it is not your fault. You are beating yourself up for something that you have no control over. Love and X ~me

 

Edited: Also you mentioned that Dad is the good one. So at some point she has decided to identify with her dad and paint you as the other/bad one. This is pretty typical and even at my kids young age (they are both under 10), I see this idea forming. I'll see if I can find some articles for you to read to understand this psychology and maybe it will give you some tools to use when dealing with her. Easier said than done, right? X~ me

[WCSDancer2010]

Thanks guys - I'm feeling better today. It didn't help that I had been with my father, who is really suffering because my step-mom in in an Alzheimers unit and he ends up having panic attacks when he starts thinking about it too much. He had a rough time of it on Valentines day and I spent 2 days trying to get him back on a better track... so I was mentally exhausted from that already. Timing is everything and that was not the best time for me to deal with her :(

 

Anyhow, I talked to my ex and he was going to talk to her. Her agrees about the way she is... he knows she can lash out and knows he's probably the only person she *might* listen to.

 

(((HUGS))) everyone. Love you all :)

[lelani]

Gosh a lot going on for you :-(. Yeah it's much harder to deal with your kids when there is other big stuff going on. I feel for you- you learn as a mother that it's not all about you and you can be emotionally stretched in all directions at once.

 

Great that your ex is supporting you with Jess. I'm glad you are feeling better :-). x