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No one else knows I have herpes but him and I can't talk to him about it


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I found out I was HSV2 positive just after I married a man I had been in a relationship with for 10 years. He cheated on me in the first year or so of our relationship. It was devastating at the time. I forgave after much drama and we moved on but not until I had to take several trips to my GYN because of vaginal irritation that just would not go away. My doctor tried everything. I eventually thought it was because of a new cleanser I started (after obvious STD test came back negative) using for sensitive skin because after I stopped using it the irritation started subsiding. This was after about 2 weeks. Towards the end of the 2 weeks that I went through different medications, but not before I stopped the cleanser, I finally thought to ask my now husband if he had at least used protection. Of course he wasn't that stupid. Well, apparently he was as stupid as me for thinking he did. I told my GYN and he then gave me and my husband a strong antibiotic. After those 2 weeks the irritation went away. I never knew if it was because of the medications or cleanser. I was just happy it was gone.



It had come back 2 or 3 times over the years. I took my regular course of yeast infection medication as I was pretty prone to those anyway. Sometimes it helped, sometimes I found I had to take 3 rounds of the medication before I got results. I did notice that as the years went on those yeast infections became more intense. I just figured it was my age (I'm in my 40's) and chemicals were changing. We decided to get married eventually and less than a year after getting married I became pregnant. It was at one of my first OB appointments that I found out I was HSV2 positive.



My mind was blown. I already had one child and was STD free at that time. I had only slept with my ex-husband before now. I had to have contracted it from my current husband. The drive from my doctor's office after my OB appointment to tell my husband seemed like forever. I had never had any sores. Nothing more than yeast over the years. How could I have this and not know? How long had I had this? Who gave it to me? Who did I give it to? I have worked in the medical field. I have talked to patients about these things. How could I have been so stupid? Now I have to tell my husband. Wait, why didn't he tell me he was having problems? So I meet up with my husband and he asked what the doctor said at my appointment. There we stood on the side of a baseball field watching my other child play ball and I told him. I told him the baby would be fine. I would have a C-section and the baby wouldn't be affected. I asked him if he had ever had any signs and he said nothing. No burning. No itching. Not even a hair bump. Neither of us. Except for me and my 'yeast' infections.



We came home that night and neither of us could eat. We went to bed but did not sleep. I laid there that whole night thinking in the back of my mind.....all of those years ago when I had that irritation that wouldn't go away, could it have been? I woke up the next day and called my GYN (different doctor than the OB) and told him I needed to see him. I explained what I was tested for and needed him to retest me and explain how this never showed up before. He told me there were never any signs except the very red irritated skin. That was it. No sores that he could even see. He even checked that day. He had been a OB/GYN for years (he's old and very respected in his field) so I respected and was confident in his ability to identify these things. He said sometimes it shows up this way and that my husband might never have signs let alone even be positive. So I live with it. I deal with it. My husband has yet to get tested. He doesn't want to know. He just assumes he is positive although he has never had any signs.



That is the part that is hard. I now have signs of it all of the time. It's been almost 3 years since I found out an now that I know what to look for I realize that yes, I am 98% positive I contracted this after his infidelity years ago. The irritation that occurred then occurs now. When I think back on it the time frame that the outbreak lasted makes sense and matches all the research I've done on the sypmtoms. Just a little salt in the wound years later. Nice.



I recently believe I found a small sore. Just one but that's enough. I get headaches and feel 'icky' whenever it flares up. I take Valtrex only when I feel the symptoms come on. It's very frustrating. I know, I'm lucky compared to a lot of people. I realize that and am grateful that this is the extent of my medical problems. My husband doesn't understand that sex irritates the situation. Explaining why I'm 'not in the mood' each time is starting to make me very bitter. With this STD comes a lot of additional stress. I sure could use a little advice on how to approach my husband and help him understand what I'm going through without making him feel like I'm pointing the finger at him. I am, but I don't want him to feel that way. What happened, happened and I chose to deal with it and move on. Now I need to deal with this. Big girl panties. That's what I'm trying to wear.



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Welcome. You sure have had a time of it. Like you I had weird "yeast infections" for years that looking back may have been HSV. Sadly I am the one that passed it to my ex hubby.


Regarding your hubby, maybe you send him here? Show him some of the discussions where other women are asking about how to relieve the issues of sex and how to deal with OB's.


The other thing is many of us here feel that part of the H opportunity is that it can give us an excuse to learn other ways to be intimate. Come up with some ideas of what you can do when you have OB's. Maybe put the ideas in a jar. When you have an OB/irritation, take one out and do whatever is on the paper.


Either way, sometimes someone needs to be told by another person. You can also take him to your Dr/OB to have him/her explain the situation. You can perhaps get him there by saying you want the Dr's advice about what to do and you want him there so you both can question the Dr and remember what he says.


(((HUGS))) my friend

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I can completely understand some of the things you mentioned. When my boyfriend and I started dating and having sex, I started having symptoms. I found out i was h+, had a mini-meltdown but my boyfriend really was a rock of support, even though he was devastated at the time that he had it, and must have given it to me. 2 years later, my boyfriend doesn't really want to get tested. He figures since the blood test i got when i had symptoms "showed" that i recently acquired it, he obviously gave it to me and there is no reason for him to spend unnecessary money and embarrassment to get a test done.

Now the sex, that is difficult for me sometimes. It's hard to get in the mood when I'm in the slightest bit of pain, and sometimes it's difficult because of the mental aspect. And it hard to talk about because there's not much more of a mood killer than talking about h in the sack.

What worked for me was, after 2 years, we finally are at the place where we can talk about it without him getting mortified and shutting down. It's no picnic for me to talk about it either, which I kindly let him know. But at the end of the day, I don't feel as sexual a lot of the time, and he doens't feel like I find him attractive. This needs a two person solution. He said we don't always have to have sex, just making out and cuddling is sexy. I say that that usually LEADS to sex which is why I dont' want to do any of it. But he listened to me, and I listened to him and even though its a constant work in progress as well as a constant reminder of 'hey reel it in buddy' (then again, when is it not with men sometimes.. ;) We both end up getting what we want. It's not perfect, it may never be perfect, but after 2 years we are finally in a place where neither one of us are afraid to talk about it. To me that's progress.


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