7 years later...

[onelovegirl]

I was a sophomore in highschool when I started going out with my new bf. As a new couple we were in love ofcourse we started having sex. Always used condoms until we started taking things serious, or so I tought after about 6 months he started cheating on me most of them I didn't know off I was so in love with him I took him back a couple of times. On my 17th birthday I clearly remember we started drinking and we had sex with out a condom well 2 weeks later I noticed a bumb on my genitals and when I saw that I tought okay maybe its an ingrown hair well a couple of days later I started getting sick like flu symptoms. Apparently I was having an outbreak which lasted about 2 weeks I went to the doctor the check it out and sure enough she said she wasn't 100 % sure but it deff looked like herpes.I held in my tears so hard I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare I was having. My doctor prescribed valtrex and the outbreak was gone in a couple of days. I fealt as if my life was over suicide was constantly running through my head but I decided I was stronger than that. Now the next step was to figure out how I got it, I knew I had to get it from him I wasn't sleeping around. He completely denied it that he was sleeping around but what was that going to do take our herpes away. Well a couple of years passed and we were still together. I fealt that since I had herpes no one else was going to want me like that. I got pregnant right after I graduated highschool and I was really anxious how I was going to have my son. He was born vaginally because I wasn't having an outbreak at the time and he was born healthy I was so happy about that! Herpes was always one of the fight starters I had a lot of resentment towards him because he would treat me like crap, well 3 years later we finally broke up after 7 years of being together and with a baby. 7 long happy and painful years over it took me a good while to resent myself and forgive him for everything he did to me. Its going to be almost a year we broke our relationship up. Well a couple of months ago I met this amazing guy and started feeling those butterlfys in my stomache eveytime he would call me. Were still getting to know each other some more each day we talk and hang out, but its always in the back of my head that I have herpes and how am I going to tell this person if he really wants to take things serious with me I don't know I guess I'm always thinking ahead he's super sweet and I woukd totally understand if he rejected me but I'm scared Im always going to be rejected for something that wasn't my fault. Its starting to stress me out because this guy is the first guy I start having a thing with since my sons dad! This is going to be harder than I tought :/

[WCSDancer2010]

First - Welcome. I'm glad you came here to get support and to help you work through this. It's a beautiful thing that you escaped what sounds like an abusive relationship that you stayed in far too long for fear of being "unlovable". (In fact, that belief is a pretty good sign of an abusive relationship :( ). So now you've been free, you have realized your power and strength. And a man has entered that space. Trust in the process, wherever it goes, but never, EVER let a man or a situation trick you into believing you are unlovable again sister ;)

 

I'm going to tell you what I tell everyone who worries about "the talk". It has to be done if you are going to get physical/sexual with this guy. You were not given the choice whether you were exposed to Herpes or not ... that isn't something we want to do to another. I think you know that though :)

 

So - there are TONS of great stories about people having very successful disclosure talks on here... I'll post some below to make it easy for you to find them. Many of them have some of the language the person used... we've had everything from the "blurt it out in hysterics" disclosures to the "clinical ... here's the facts" and everything in between. There is no one right way ... the most important thing that seems to be the thing that makes for more success than failure is being confident and comfortable both in your status and in the information/facts surrounding Herpes. Read and print out the disclosure handouts and e-book ... get comfortable with the facts. Learn what you can do to protect your partner (are you on Anti-virals?). Learn the stats/facts inside out so if he has questions, you can answer them confidently (and have the handout handy to back you up).

 

And know, if he walks, its not because of you or your Herpes. It's because a virus is a deal breaker for him (Often because the person does not want to really understand the facts because it's too scary for them to even contemplate talking about STD's....which is one of the main reasons they are so prevalent). For me, I won't date a smoker or someone with young kids - it doesn't mean they are "bad" ... it's just that it's something I don't want to live with. AND, if he stays, you know he is a REAL man who loves you, "flaws" and all.

 

So here are the Handout/Ebook links and some disclosures... and at the bottom, a blog on Using Herpes as your Wing Man. Good luck my friend :)

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2384/successful-herpes-disclosure

Bookworm_21

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2386/ive-been-gone-for-too-long

klopz

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2390/update-on-my-for-my-h-opp-peeps nic4897

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2445/my-success-story simplyme24

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2495/a-coming-out-story- DanieM

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2544/disclosure silentstandoff

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1644/having-the-herpes-talk-with-a-new-partner Daisy

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2162/a-bit-about-me-and-my-successful-herpes-disclosures

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2022/successful-herpes-disclosure-thanks-to-this-site

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1793/i-did-it-i-had-the-herpes-talk

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2692/i-made-a-mistake-too

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

 

 

 

[Judith]

Hi one Love Girl,

well first thing its so great that you stepped out of this unhealthy relationship ,even he is the father of your son .you done the right thing ,its better to be alone then being with a person which treat you like crap.I can imagine how hard it was for you to take that decision.

A lot of people stay in relationship's only because they don't wane be alone , even people without herpes....they say well maybe it will work out at one point and yes I did the same ,I thought this guy is quit nice but not the one but I don't wane be alone again

.

The new man you meet seems to be really into you , sure there is always a chance of rejection but this you always have ,as WCDANCER said we all have several reason to reject someone but if you don't give it a try and being from the beginning honest with him you will never find out if it would have been worked with you both.....you always will ask yourself why I didn't tried...AT LEAST TRY.

 

I know its easy to say because I never disclosed myself but if I find somebody nice I would tell the person that I like him and that I would like to share something personal with him. Tell him first why you wane share your little secret with him and then give him the fact about H (transmission rate ,that you take medication and need to use condoms).

If he is really into you he will accept it because H is not that big deal, if he don't accept its maybe because he is scared of that virus or he is not that into you as you thought but as it sound for me he try to be with you.

 

Give it a try and be the all in love girl :)

[onelovegirl]

Thank you so much @wcsdancer2010 I will sure look into all these stories coming here and reading all these stories give me hope! !! I hope he understands what I've been through and how I got to where I am at 7 years later and I've been out break free since I was first diagnosed in 2007 I only got 2 bad outbreaks but ever since then I haven't gotten any outbreaks can you explain to me as in why I've been outbreak free? Im not on antivirals I didn't even know you can take medecine to lower the risk! I want to look into it though!

[WCSDancer2010]

The simple answer is your body managed to create a really great immune response to the virus... so it keeps it all under wraps although you can still have asymptomatic viral shedding so you do want to look into the antivirals if you have a sexual relationship with someone.

 

This is the reason so many have no idea that they have Herpes - they have mild or no OB at all, or have 1 bad one and pass it off as razor burn or whatever... it goes quiet and they have no idea because the Dr's don't test for it unless you ask (and even then some won't) :(

[onelovegirl]

Yes the relationship was so unhealthy it was starting to take a toll on my health as well as my son so I'm happy I'm out of that it was way to long, but now I fear rejection this guy is amazing but I think to myself If I was in his shoes I wouldn't even know what to do either if somone told me they had herpes. I've never been in that situation until now and I don't know how he's going to react he knows everything I've been through with my abusive relationship but not what I have. I'm really starting to stress over that' really bad !:( @judith

[onelovegirl]

@wcsdancer2010 wow really that what I tought because my last outbreak was when I was a junior in highschool. I moved to san francisco my junior year for half a year (around that time the cheating was at its worse with him) I just wanted to get away I had just found out I had herpes so I left my city. I found this new guy and we were getting really close to eachother he was my bf and one day I just decided to tell him and luckily he accepted me I was shocked but I was scared to even have sex with someone that didn't have it. The relationship ended and I can't believe I had a disclosure so @judith maybe this guy will be okay with it aswell ?

 

I will be making a doctors appointment so I can look into antivirals because as a woman I feel like I want to be loved to its not my fault I got herpes but I rather be safe for not only me but my partner as well. (We haven't had sex) but if the day comes i want to be ready for the talk and sex aswell.