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Casual hook ups/ one night stands with herpes

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So I am newly single and diagnosed with type 1 genitally.

I am taking suppressive meds and have been outbreak free for

Almost 2 months! I feel great. I would like to have fun and casually

Hook up. Is it wrong to take my meds/use condoms and not disclose?

If it's a one night stand and I believe I am completely safe I don't see the

Point of disclosing. If it was to be more serious then I obviously would.

Any thoughts?


PS : should I refrain from guys going down on me? My doctor said if there's

No signs of an outbreak or pre-outbreak then I am safe to be

Receiving oral sex.

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I have H1 too. Should you always disclose? Yes. Is H1 hard to transmit via genital to genital sex? Yes. Can a guy go down on you? Of course, but, remember... We have H1, it prefers the mouth, so therefore his chances of getting it orally are greater than genital. Just because of the site.


We shed less. So the virus is less "active" than H2. It's your decision, but remember, casual sex has risks. We can still get type 2, HIV, HPV, the clap, syphillis, and all the other STDs out there. You have been through one, why risk another? I don't want to. Plus, you are taking away someone's choice.... Not fair. You weren't likely given this choice, why risk that on someone else?


Do I think it's wrong? No. I don't. For type 1 or 2.That's me personally though. Everyone is different. I was never a casual sex girl before this and that hasn't changed, so I guess it isn't a big deal to me to not just have casual sex. I just look at it like this, I refuse to risk another STD. Casual sex isn't an option for me. Not because I have herpes, but because I will never. Ever. Ever. Allow a man to use my body, taint it, and walk away from me as if he has no responsibility again. F that. I won't be in that position ever freaking again. I deserve more than casual sex, and so do you sweet girl! :)

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Hey! Umm, Just a bit of a different perspective…


It is totally your prerogative to have casual sex!! I mean no offence to anyone when I say that TO ME, *PERSONAL OPINION*, the idea that as a woman, sex is something you allow a man to have or take from you is problematic at its very core. I personally believe that the idea that sex is something women provide to men who then owe them something perpetuates the (what I believe to be) harmful idea that women are not active participants in sex. It assumes that women do not want to have sex for purely physical benefit, furthering the gap between men and women that keeps M/F relationships inequitable and power dynamics skewed.


… Get it girl.


Now, in terms of your question, I don't know the answer. (Sorry!!)

When I was first diagnosed with HSV II I immediately thought I was going to need to sit every one of my casual partners down and have a talk. When I mentioned my fears about this to my practitioner, she looked at me like "LOL!!"

Basically, she told me that I have no responsibility to tell anyone about my diagnosis unless I want to. I asked her "Is that unethical?" and she said "That's a decision you have to make based on what you feel is right, but everyone who has casual sex - protected/unprotected, is taking a risk. You agree to that risk by agreeing to sex." She told me that using condoms (female condoms offer a bit more protection), and not having sex during active outbreaks were the most responsible things I could do.


The reason I can't share my personal opinion on whether you should disclose to casual partners is because I haven't really decided how I feel about it yet myself! Sorry I can't be of more help there. I know most people feel that you should disclose to everyone, but I'm still on the fence. When I think about it, I think, "Would I want to know?" … probably.

And then I think "If the transmission rates are THAT low… maybe not… maybe I'd rather just have fun!"

I also think about the greater risk posed by the many people who have the virus without ever knowing it.


What kind of thoughts do you have when you think about it? In your gut do you feel it's wrong not to disclose? Do you go back and forth?


Sometimes I find it helpful to think of the Best Case Scenario, Worst Case Scenario, and the Most Likely Scenario in a situation and write them down. Maybe walk through a one night stand and see where the disclosure convo would fit in and what the outcomes would be in a disclosure situation as well as a non disclosure situation. Like a 3-way pros and cons list!


Keep us updated!! :)



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the guys are right ,every person take a risk if they have sex but I don't think casual sex is different then sex with your partner ,there is always a risk because not every person know that they have H or HPV or whatever. I never was sleeping with a guy without an condom but I have HPV and HSV1 so what does it tell you ?

I cant tell you if you need to tell a casual partner that you have HSV1 genital, that's your decision but from my point of view I always would tell a person .....I wane be honest about that virus and actually with 32 I don't search this kind of adventure anyway anymore because it gives me nothing. I did it several times in the past ,maybe to fell better maybe to feel accepted but I never felt better after that at all, it only was wasting of time , much better to use vibrator and wait for the right man (even if I didn't found that one yet)

Well as I said if you don't wane tell them its your decision , you can let them go down on you .I am not sure but I think the transmission rate for HSV 1 oral and genital is the same .

Think about what you really want in your live, if you think that this make you happy then go for casual sex but its better to be honest.....the guys will make they own decision.


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Uh - honey - while I TOTALLY get it that you just want to have fun and have a no-strings-attached mattress mambo, you will NEVER be completely safe, and neither will your partner. Unless you SEE their STD papers (Playing I'll show you mine if you show me yours, Adult Version :p ) you are putting your trust in someone you don't know that they will be 100% honest with you AND that they had the full STD set of tests.


For one, Herpes isn't the only thing to worry about. YOU can get HPV and HSV2 WITH A CONDOM in use. (ie: read @Judith's story above) Guys are not normally tested for HPV (because at present the only way to test is to swab inside their junk, and you KNOW that isn't going to happen!) and many/most are not tested for HSV....and many who are will be playing STD Roulette and not telling their partners either. I have heard of women getting HSV on here because the guy slipped the condom off, so you could still be at risk for everything else too.


Now, if anything, your partner *would* be safer because YOU know you are doing all the "right" things...taking the anti-virals, insisting on condoms etc. And yes, with the anti-virals, and the fact that HSV1g doesn't shed much, the guy would likely be reasonably safe from getting a cold sore from you...but it's never going to be a 100% safe option.


So here's the deal.


1) YOUR risk factors: All life assumes risk and every time we have sex with someone we don't really know and we take their word that they have been tested, we are playing with a loaded gun. Same as when we get in a car, we assume risk of death and injury, while taking all the precautions we can to not put ourselves at more risk than necessary. So if you are OK with getting HSV2 or HPV, then bonk away my friend....just don't complain to the guy or anyone else if you end up with another STD.


2) HIS risk factors: OK - so you have minimized his risk with meds and condoms, and you are (I hope) getting tested regularly if you are having casual sex for all the other STD's. But there will still never be a 100% guarantee of not passing it on. Yes, HSV1g is easier to contain and less "risky", but it's still there. So ask yourself, how would YOU feel about someone knowingly putting you at risk? Be 100% honest with yourself.


If you have one iota of a feeling that you wouldn't be ok with that, then you can't put someone else at risk. I don't know anyone who would be ok with having sex with someone who KNOWS they have an STD without being previously informed. Yes, many will run. HOW you disclose would make a HUGE difference tho because if you make it clear it's the "Cold Sore Version", and that they can't get it from you if they had cold sores at any time in their life, then a large majority would be in the "Already got it" category anyway. Having a small card or whatever with the stats might help a few more to say they are ok with the risk. A few will run. Oh well. Their loss.


AND you may find that by opening up they will disclose that they have something else and by having that talk YOU now have the option to choose whether to take a risk and continue or not. But they may well also choose to keep quiet and you have to know there is always going to be that risk.


You asked for opinions. My opinion (if you haven't guessed) is you still *should* tell. I'm big on integrity and IMO to not tell is a huge breach of integrity. And if one of those hook-ups starts to develop into something, well, now you have a really awkward situation to deal with. And there are plenty of stories on here (some with happy endings, many not so good) of those conversations.


In the end, YOU have to live with yourself if you lose the game of STD Roulette and you pass something on or get something yourself. So think carefully before you jump into the sack ;)


Peace :)

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