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A million and one things p4

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Hey dancer


Does not on one see if i didnt have H i would be tryng to meet sumone!? That hurt n how diffivult the disclosure was alongside dealing with my anxiety over it and a fear of rejection..all combined....are debilitating to say the least. So i need to know how i am suppose to overcome all this and then be prepared for a rejection incase i have to face it.


Ill try what you have both said if i can xxx

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You would have to deal with the fear of rejection with OR without Herpes my dear. And given that you said it's not the H that caused him to walk away...rather his fear of commitment or whatever, then why are you blaming Herpes for your fear of rejection. It's an EXCUSE perhaps, but from what you say, Herpes had nothing to so with the relationship not working...so stop blaming it for your current fear of getting back out there again ....


Bottom line - you got burned and it hurt and I totally understand that. So own THAT. Own that you are just plain scared of rejection and that you need to work on that.


This is a great podcast that Adrail did awhile back - I think this may help a bit :)





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Hi again... am right alongside Dancer supporting you with this struggle of yours. You know the trouble with life is that yes we will get hurt, and over and over again. The other problem is we change...its inevitable and every moment we are never the person we were before. And when we are side swiped with a biggy the universe kicks us fair in the arse to change. Here's where you are struggling...


" I want to change...i want to be the person i was.'


Bit of a contradiction when you read it huh? You are stuck...and I know it sucks.


The thing is only you can unstick yourself and make the changes. Being depressed about it doesn't change anything, you just stay being depressed. And having thoughts all the time about how disgusting and gross herpes is (it's not great I know but you can change the language and it'll change your thoughts...that will change your feelings and then you won't be depressed...that's the natural law of things!) just give you more of it. Remember, what you think about expands!


As for the ex...he was just a con and it has nothing to do with you having Herpes. He has just been a mirror for you, reflecting back your thoughts about it. I met a guy who was also H+ the week after I was diagnosed (one of those chance encounters). We started dating and I thought he was the one...only he did the same to me as your ex did to you. It had nothing to do with Herpes..he was just an immature man. I ended it with him after three months...and he had asked me to marry him in that time.


I was devastated but picked myself up and wasn't going to let an arse of a man make my life miserable. I know how debilitating it can be...so be debilitated for a short time and then let it go. You will never be as debilitated again...you get wiser and better at recognising red flags. You take things slower..you work on enjoying being single and independent so you don't rely on having a man.


Dance is right...you are afraid of getting back out there. Nothing unusual about that...I freaked out about it too. But I knew I had to change my thoughts...I did the work (yes going to the gym...eating super well...did new things I wanted to try...changed my negative thoughts...).


There is no other way to do it if you want to be happy. You have to commit to it, even when you don't feel like it...actually you have to commit more when you don't feel like it. You have to get training...re training you brain. That's all it takes. There are no excuses hon, either you want to do it or you choose not to. It's that simple.


We all know what you are going through..you aren't alone in this even though you think you are. We have all got Herpes...we have all gone through the same stuff...its just Dancer and I and lots of other have learned what it takes to come out the other side. And it works...and you can do it too if you want to. xx







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The other problem is we change...its inevitable and every moment we are never the person we were before. And when we are side swiped with a biggy the universe kicks us fair in the arse to change. Here's where you are struggling...


" I want to change...i want to be the person i was.'


Bit of a contradiction when you read it huh? You are stuck...and I know it sucks.


And there you have it in a nutshell... :)


Every day, you are not the person you were yesterday. You learned something that either changes your life for the positive or that you allow the experience to convince you that you are now "damaged"...and you see that as a negative thing.


So - you can either seclude yourself away so you don't get any more "dents" or you get back on the road and look for a new highway and a new adventure...and you use what you learned from those other experiences to make the next trip a little easier. And you may get lost, or sent on a detour, or even crash and burn a few times...but each time there is a lesson to learn (Listen to the lady in the GPS, watch those signs closely on the detour, or slow down when the road looks icy) so that the next time you venture out, you stand a better chance of arriving at your destination with perhaps only a dent or two. ;)


So get yourself back out there chica..... slowly ... one step at a time. There's a beautiful world out there and it's yours for the taking :)



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Me too @herexperience. I also decided to delete my posts...they are so negative...and i feel they just make it negative for me...but more importantly anyone who reads them. Especially peoole new to H or struggling. Id rather they just see the wise words above :)

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Well, deleting those posts makes it hard to understand some of the references and answers ... I don't think it's a bad thing to see someone elses' struggle ... especially if you can see them learn and grow as a post progresses ;)


The "toxic" posts (that you see in a lot of other forums) are where someone starts their pity party rant, and everyone joins in about how much life, partners, Herpes, and everything else sucks...where there isn't a conversation about how to learn and grow from this experience. We don't allow that here and believe me, if Adrial thinks a post is too negative or harmful for the group, he will let you know ;)



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@herexperience @lelani @dancer @sparkle


just want you all to know...the time you all took to write here...is appreciated greatly by me ....i come back here to read it alot....wise words...shared experience...so much knowledge...all in a caring...supportive...tough love and very honest way ....despite some of my responses...youve all still come back with support and positivty ...when many people would probably feel like saying 'shut up! Just get over it!' Lols.


thankyou xx

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Hey it's because we have been there...we know what its like and we know what it takes to learn to overcome those feelings. And being sympathetic and just going 'poor you' does nothing to help you heal or grow. I am glad you keep reading our posts...keep reading and keep practicing what we have suggested. You only get results by practically doing something...hope you are working on some of the things I talked about. Big hug..hope you are feeling a little better :-) x

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Gosh...while I was writing this I thought about if I was doing ok. In terms of herpes I am...that doesn't mean I never think about it, or that it hasn't altered my life, or that I am totally happy with that...but I am ok in spite of all that. Herpes has taken a back step in my life for something else that impacts on it way more...


I had an injury to my foot over a year ago and it didn't heal....it got worse and finally tests showed I have osteoarthritis all through the big toe joints (from years of dancing in high heels). I have bones grinding together whenever I take a step. It has meant I have had to stop dancing, power walking, Tai Chi..and I have had to seriously adapt my life around this...to deal with pain every day.


I'm not telling you this to complain...just to show you that I am having to apply all I have learned through life to manage this and be happy in spite of it. It took me back to square one and I am working on it every day to stay positive and feel happy. It's something that won't go away...I feel old sometimes when the pain is bad. And yet I don't want to give up my spirit...


So I focus on inspiring other people, doing the things I can do, trying new things(I have my eye on a kayak..I only have to sit in that!!). It's same stuff, just a different challenge.. xx

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