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And so it starts again....


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I only have some experiences with this, I have lived with herpes for alil over a year.. I feel ur pain and discomfort and disconnection from the world because of herpes I was exactly where u were.. I thought life should of ended because of h.. Just when I thought I could move on, bam another lil sore reminded me I was no longer me and alone.. But please understand as ur body starts to build antibodies those lil pesky bumps will come and go with a blink of an eye, barely noticeable.. And if it seems hard to wait for that suppressive therapy meds will keep them at bay and help u thru them...

I remember those days I couldn't get out of bed, went into work a mess waiting to explode because I didn't feel like me.. I'll be honest I never thought it was going to end either but it did.. It took a few months for me to realize u are still you love, just now when we engage with sex we try to make sure we are careful and keep that other person healthy.. And why shouldn't we, we are special to care for someone to that extent.. And honestly it was a huge filter for me.. I realized that even though I received h thru not even consenting sex, I was suppose to have real meaningful relationships from now on.. I never in my life thought I'd feel better about it.. Please understand and I know this takes time, but u are special, once u love you again, u will see.. We all had to learn again how to love ourselves with this.. And once u do, you will realize u deserve the world.. Know that u have support and love on this side of the forum... And I am here for you.. U can look at my long ago posts.. I thought death, was my answer.. And here I am, learning.. Just like you..:0) we are here for you, to help.. Keep ur head up, and see this is not you, this doesn't have to define you... This will make u a better educator and a better lover at some point.. Your strong.. Stronger than herpes.. Trust me ❤️

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@Amillionthings...

 

First... BREATHE my friend. So sorry you had this setback - but we are here to help you through it.

 

and then coming on here to try and feel better and reading a post from a man who has his own flaws is falling in love woth a woman...but clearly cant see past H.

 

So I want you to go back and re-read the gentlemans post that upset you..... because you totally missed the heart of his upset.... which is the issue of loss of trust. The way I read the post is was much, much less about her having herpes and much more about her not disclosing to him, ESPECIALLY when he had bared his soul about his past including having an STD himself.

 

I give him total props for coming on here to gain clarity from the people who know where she was coming from. It would have been easy for him to just walk away. He obviously cares enough for her to fight the urge to run and learn what he can so he can choose what is the right path for him. In my Wing-man article, he'd be a Listener. He's asked for help.... he's doing his homework to understand this virus. Give the man credit for that.

 

You see, you are letting Herpes act as a filter to how you are seeing things. You are allowing it to run your life, rather than using it to create stronger, more loving habits for yourself. You can choose to see herpes through the "it's bad" filter, or through the "what can I create from this lesson?" filter. The former is a much, much easier filter to pick up... the latter takes work and a willingness to go places in your soul that were already wounded before you got H (because H acts and a magnifying glass for all those hurts). It's your choice my friend. ;)

 

Peace

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I know you are having trouble seeing this, but until you get that your past is your past, (shitty as is was... and for that I am sorry), your present will be colored by it. True, H will not go away and it's a reminder of something that happened that you wish didn't happen. But Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda's get us nowhere.

 

You then allowed H to make you feel unlovable so that you got involved with someone who wasn't your type in an effort to feel lovable. I can tell you, all that was there before Herpes... it just gave you another reason to believe that. And it's all untrue. It was untrue before Herpes and its untrue now. You ARE worthy of love, but until YOU learn to love and accept yourself, even with Herpes, you are not going to be someone who will end up in a healthy relationship.

 

So perhaps you need to do things for and with yourself for awhile. I actually stopped dating for 3 years after a breakup (and it wasn't even traumatic...but I realized I had stayed too long because I just didn't want to be alone). I learned to love myself. I pursued my dance with complete dedication. I'm still single but I'm ok with it because I don't NEED a man to prove to me that I am lovable and worthy of love. Do I want to be alone...no. But I am for now. And it's ok. I'd rather LIVE alone than "exist" with the wrong person.

 

As far as your mum and brother - they just want to see you happy... and they think that a relationship will provide that. Have you sat them down and asked them to stop? Have you told them that you are not in the right place right now for a relationship and that their badgering you is not helping right now?

 

AND, you never know when you will meet the man of your dreams.... your friends are right. And they are just trying to be helpful too. Be glad that they care ... even if they are not saying things that are "helpful" for you right now ;)

 

 

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Honey - if your brother is that ugly, cut off ties. I know it's hard with family but you don't need that in your life and you shouldn't feel obliged to keep connection with someone who is this unkind and downright nasty.

 

If i carry on accepting their behaviour...im going to be walked over for the rest of my life and if i do end up with anyone it will probably be a controllibg bully. I dont want that.

 

And THAT is the lesson you need to keep at the forefront of your thinking....time for you to love yourself enough to not tolerate that kind of behavior any more.

 

And no, I'm actually not having a great day. My youngest (25) daughter is, shall we say, being difficult. Evidently I am a total failure as a parent and I have to change all kinds of things if I want to continue a relationship with her. I just got another text blast from her this AM. She is angry about something (or a lot of things) from our past and she won't take any responsibility for her part of the relationship. I evidently had certain "obligations" as a parent that I failed at... and she (as an adult child) has no responsibilities in this breakdown. *sigh* Never thought I would have this from my child... my ex and I raised our children to deal with differences with tolerance and love... somehow we failed with this one. My ex has agreed to mediate if she will agree... but I'm not sure if she will agree. She's so set on being right....that she won't allow that maybe some of this is her :(

 

AND, I have to go on with life.... I can't control her or her insistence on behaving like this. She is a grown up and until she wants to grow and learn to take responsibility for her part in this issue, we will stay stuck. I can't change her and I won't try...its sad because she has lost so many friends and jobs because of this attitude. I can just be here for her if/when she comes around....

 

Peace

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awww dancer! I'm so sorry to hear all that...its hard for you i can see...oh dear...i hope she can see the light and see where she perhaps went wrong...lots of people cant seem to take on blame for their actions...i dont know why...easier to blame someone else than admit they need to perhaps deal with themselves. You havent failed dancer....youve tried and are trying your best... its amazing how children can be brought up the same way but can end up totally different to their siblings. Im so different to my siblng. She sounds stubborn...maybe with some time and space she will have to look inwards and it may help? You see....it isnt you....shes lost friends and jobs....and despite this...youll still be there...thats a great mum xx

 

you are like a mum on here and you do an amazing job...i read and re-read your posts alot...to try and help me...and they do....annnnd you do ALL this with your own stuff going on. Youre a good person :)

 

thanks dancer x

 

 

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You don't have any choice about being related to your family, but you DO have choice in how you let them treat you..

 

Or as Dr Phil says:

"You teach others how to treat you"

 

I'm having to stick to my guns about how I will "teach" my daughter to treat me. I've allowed her to attack me too many times... and this has to change for our future relationship. Same for you and your brother. You have to be resolute in your boundaries with him. It's not selfish to be this way... if you continue to be walked on you will soon be a hollow shell who isn't able to care for them when they really need you..

 

(((HUGS)))

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