In need of something...not sure what

[Ashley]

This morning I woke up feeling depressed. This is something I can’t seem to shake lately. Although there are external factors likely adding to this depression, the truth is that most of it has to do with H, and the guy who passed it along to me. I’ve told my story on here before but I didn’t go into much detail about the relationship surrounding my diagnosis.

 

When I met him in 2012 he was really into me. I mean really into me. He treated me like he had never met someone so amazing in his life. The thing was, I didn’t even really like him that much but he persisted and I agreed to go out with him. Things were great for a long time. I really opened up and became vulnerable to him. This is a big deal in any relationship, but it was a huge deal for me because until he came along, I hadn’t opened up to anyone.

 

After a year of what I thought was a really open and trusting and greta relationship things started to change. Phone calls and texts would go unreturned, excuses were made, but I turned a blind eye. I’m so angry at myself for all the missed opportunities that I had to stand up for myself and leave him. I’m still so angry. He made it seem like I was absolutely crazy for being suspicious. I started making excuses for him too. It makes me so sad to think about how many times he lied to me. I was so honest and tried so hard.

 

One day this past summer, he came over to my house (he is still stringing me along at this point) and we slept together. Immediately I felt the pain of my first outbreak. The sad part is that even this wasn’t enough for me to standup to him. If anything, it made me weaker. A couple weeks later, a friend told me he’s been seeing another girl for months. Still, I can’t let go.

 

We never actually broke up. I never actually got closure. And I’m so embarrassed to admit that I still talk to him. To this day. He is with this other girl, but he still texts me saying I’m the one he wants to be with, that i’m the one he wants to marry. And I believe him. Probably because my self-esteem is at an all-time low. There are other things going on in my life that have put things on hold for a while. I had to move back in with my parents, which is far away from my friends (whom I became very isolated from during this relationship), I’m not working at the moment and I’ve had to take time off school. I have nothing to distract me. I feel like I can’t move on while I’m at such a standstill. I’m craving human connection. Just someone that I can talk to openly about everything. So I go to him because I don’t feel comfortable with anyone else.

 

I know this seems like it has more to do with a bad relationship than with H, but I constantly find myself wondering, “if he didn’t give me H, would I have found the strength to move on?"

 

I know I must sound crazy. I’ve been having such a hard time lately, and I thought writing it out might help. Any conversation or advice is more than welcome.

[WCSDancer2010]

my self-esteem is at an all-time low....I know this seems like it has more to do with a bad relationship than with H, but I constantly find myself wondering, “if he didn’t give me H, would I have found the strength to move on?"

 

Somehow, I don't think you would be moving - with or without H. Your record pre-herpes wasn't very good, now was it? ;)

 

So really, I think you really need to see if you can get some professional help with the self-esteem stuff - you have to learn to love yourself, respect yourself enough to be damned if you will let anyone treat you like that. He isn't going to change. He has you where he wants you.

 

You don't need to "break up" to have closure. You just got to shut the door and walk away. Get back in contact with your friends...modern technology is a wonderful thing that way!

 

But really, you are in a toxic, abusive relationship and you may need the help of a professional to get out of it....

 

Sorry you are dealing with this my friend. I hope you find the strength to walk away and the self love to realize you are worth SOOO much more than him...

 

(((HUGS)))

[Ashley]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through that. I really felt like I had no where else to turn. Knowing that someone out there read my story means a lot.

 

I know that you're right. I have to close this door forever. At this point I know that I can't do it alone. I actually have an appointment with a therapist on Thursday. I know it's going to be a long journey but I think this is the first step.

 

You're so supportive and attentive to everything people post on here. I hope that you are receiving an equal amount of love and support in your life. Thank you for what you do.

[lelani]

Hi Ashley...WCS Dancer is right...and you know she is...you have to shut the door on this guy. I'ts great you have got some support now to do that.

 

And yes use technology to make contact with friends again..you don't have to be close to them to make that connection. I moved away to another part of the country and its awesome to keep in contact all the time with my long term friends. I haven't made any close friendships here yet so that contact is so important.

 

And always remember that people who tell ex's they want to be with them more than the current person they are with are just plain egotistical and deceitful. You don't need that. I know what its like...my ex did the same, for years, only I didn't buy into it. I stopped all contact (hard because we have kids together) and what a relief!

 

His behaviour is not about you, he will be like it with any woman. Now is the time to learn and increase your self esteem so you don't attract guys like that.

 

The journey won't be as long as you think and it really is worth taking. Use all the support you can and know you are worth it :-) x

 

 

[alex08]

The best thing my mum ever done for me was knock some sense into me to make me leave the guy who gave it to me. He had obviously cheated since we had been together for a year before we both suddenly got it and he blamed me even though I was virgin before we met. I found myself begging him not to leave me til my mum said 'what the hell are you doing??'

You feel like no one else will want you but believe me they will :-)