Losing my nerve about the talk...

[marinamelody]

I seem to bounce so regularly from feeling comfortable with myself and accepting of myself with herpes; and feeling suddenly hopeless about ever being accepted by others... This morning is one of those days I'm in serious need of a pep talk!

 

As a little preamble - in May this year I found out I have HSV2 after having a very mild outbreak. It was a couple of months after breaking up with a long term partner, Ben (names changed for privacy, of course). I know that I either contracted it from my ex, or a female friend we slept with as a couple a few month prior to breaking up, as I had not been with anyone else in several years and was always tested regularly.

 

A few weeks later, I was moving city from Brisbane to Sydney for six months. Three nights before I left, I met a guy in a bar, let's say Aaron, and we clicked. He came home with me and a bunch of other friends, we hung out, made out, exchanged numbers. I felt normal, felt like I could just have some fun without having sex, and with no pressure because I was leaving in a couple of days. I never thought I'd see him again. We msged, I saw him again before I left, and since May we've been msging each other regularly. At the start of September I was back in Brisbane, and got to meet up with Aaron. I went to his friend's party. As soon as I arrived, it was on. The chemistry is fierce! He's this amazing, handsome, well-read, sweet fellow. We spent two nights together, hanging out, making out, but with no sex. He said he'd been waiting three months to be with me and was disappointed, but ok with it. I went back to Brisbane feeling thrilled and devastated.

 

Long story short, I'm moving back to Brisbane in December, but he's going overseas for six months from November. We live i different cities so there's no real chance of us being in a relationship (I'm young and a little bit wild and won't do long distance). But I'm going back to Brisbane on Wednesday for a week. I'd been planning to tell Aaron about having herpes. I feel like there will be pressure to have sex (lord knows I want to! He's my ideal Adonis, sexy as hell!). I have nothing to lose, but as the time looms, it feels like a futile act. If there's no chance of us being together, why bother putting myself on the line like that? I crush on Aaron fiercely, really respect him as an individual, but the fear is creeping up on me...

 

Also, I'd been gearing up to talk to my ex, to tell him that I contracted herpes while we were still together and discuss issues around that... But again, as the time looms, I find myself asking, Why bother? He's not a big part of my life anymore, so why share that intimacy?

 

I hate feeling voiceless, but am so torn between wanting to be open, wanting to get it out there that I have herpes so it feels less like I'm harbouring a secret. But then, bam!, I feel like disclosing will just set me up to get hurt...

[lelani]

Hi Marina...I know the feeling...but you know what, the worst feeling is of being voiceless.

 

You have nothing to loose with either guy....other than maybe a short hot and sexy time with the Adonis. ;-)

 

Even if there is no chance of being together to tell him will show him you have integrity and think enough of him to tell him...the timing may not be right for you to be with him now but you have NO idea what life will bring later. To show him you care enough to be vulnerable and honest is a gift.

 

Telling the ex ... again, it's about integrity and if you come from that place, that you care and you want him to be informed and have the opportunity to be responsible for his health and any partners he has. Again, you are giving him a gift, to grow as a person.

 

How these guys deal with you telling them is not your concern, but giving yourself a voice is. Sending you a hug...find your voice and tell them with kindness...whatever the outcome, you will be okay and will feel so much better! :-)