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Just told my partner I have herpes ...


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I am 26 years old and new to these forums. I read through a few posts on various websites ever since I was diagnosed but never had the courage to post. Well tonight I need some emotional support so I decided maybe it was a good idea. I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 5 months ago. I purposely stayed single due to feeling disgusting and hopeless. The last thing I wanted to do was have to sit down and have the conversation that I have herpes. I met this amazing man and although I tried to keep my emotions from getting involved, we had an amazing time together. So tonight I decided to sit him down and have the talk. I thought he took it ok... I expected him to freak out and walk away. He kept saying he doesn't know what to say. And he ended the conversation saying he "needs time to think about all of this. Its definitely not something he wants." I can completely understand where he is coming from. But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Its so hard trying to have faith that someone someday will accept me for the person I am. Sitting here crying and wishing I hadn't even met him... this way I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that I really like him and he may just walk away from me because of something a cheating ex gave me...

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Hi Devastated...so good you got up the courage to post because there are SOOOO many of us who have gone through the same thing...felt the same things and have come through the other side.

 

I got HPV (cancerous kind) from my cheating husband when I was about the same age. I then got HSV2 from a partner who I knew had it and I took the risk. So I have experienced not having a choice and having one with contracting an STI. It's hard either way, for different reasons.

 

Firstly, even though you are feeling it, you are NOT disgusting. It's a virus like chickenpox or measles....just a skin condition that millions of us have. It just happens that we contract it having sex...and most of us have that (or we wouldn't be here!) so it's not uncommon. It's just the stigma we apply to it that makes it feel disgusting.

 

I felt the same as you for a while after my diagnosis...then I got sick of feeling like it and decided to be open about it. And you know what...I felt so much better. I decided to date and disclose just to see what it was like. I met guys I had feelings for and it was harder then, but they had so much respect for me being honest. I had a couple of lovers (not at the same time :-) ) who didn't worry about it...after we talked about it they understood other women who 'didn't' have it (more likely didn't know they had it) were more of a risk than me. The guys got tested and I was able to educate them.

 

I had ups and downs dating with having Herpes (but I had ups and downs being single before I had it too...just for different reasons). But I realised early on its actually elpful because it lets you TRULY see a person when you disclose.

 

When you are dating the other person seems amazing until they are challenged with our imperfections. This is when you see the real person..and believe what you see and hear. If it's something he doesn't want, believe him and don't beat yourself up about it. It is not a reflection of you.

 

The thing is there are so many people out there who are ok with it...I was and my partner now is too. He doesn't even think about it. He wants to be with me and that is part of me, he thinks the risk is worth having me. That is the kind of guy you want...the one who holds you and says it doesn't matter when you tell him. This guy isn't that guy and he has saved you alot more heartache...there will be other things down the track that 'he definitely doesn't want' and this is the way he will handle it.

 

What if you had an accident that left you incapacitated, or you got cancer (these things happen in relationships)...Herpes is peanuts compared to that so would you feel trustful that he would be there for you with these?

 

I think of Herpes as an insurance policy...we know whether the guy or girl is a keeper from their reaction to us disclosing. Have faith hon...there are awesome men out there and when the time is right you will find yours :-) Big hug. xx

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@Desastated

 

First - welcome to the Forum - you have found a safe place for the support you need right now..

 

Lelani hit the nail on the head - H will help you weed out the guys who won't be there when the going gets tough. It helps you slow things down so you really get to know the other person... and when they decide they are ready to have sex with you, you know they are into YOU....they don't just want to get INTO you. :p

 

AND, he may just need to research and get to know what Herpes is. You really need to get him on here and tell him to NOT use Dr Google to find everything out...Google Images are the WORST and there are a lot of very negative forums out there..

 

I wrote a blog about using Herpes as your Wingman awhile back...it may help you see it in a different light ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

 

(((HUGS))) You will be fine... Promise. It may take time for you to believe it, but there are tons of us on here who live very normal lives... in fact, we live very authentic lives because we get the value of honesty and integrity ;)

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We are the same age.

 

Dating is hard. Herpes or no herpes, that shit is hard. Being "rejected" for things such as "no chemistry" or just not fitting into each other's lives is normal. Expected even when your into something new with someone. Feeling like you're being rejected for something you're already insecure about makes it feel even worse. I would assume things wouldn't work out between you two later on down the line if you didn't have herpes. Not to add rain to you already rained out parade. I'm a firm believer in the idea that if someone wants to be with you, then they will do so despite the things that make it difficult. Especially at first. I know this sounds crazy, but be glad he feels this way over "just herpes". Chances are he isn't the kind of guy who would stick things out for you. I was talking with a friend (the only friend that knows I have this lovely skin condition) and we were talking about the guy who passed it along to me. I was falling for this guy pretty hard, he didn't feel the same. Since telling him the news we have not spoken. I have left it up to him to decide if we remain friends or not. I made a joke that it would have been easier to tell him I was pregnant. Then I realized, no, it wouldn't. If he went from talking to me daily to nothing after this, then I could bet my ass that if I was pregnant he would be no where to be found. I already do the single mama thing and it's definitely harder than herpes.

 

My point is, while this hurts and your feelings are justified, it's actually a good thing. You found out early that you two aren't compatible. You're not as emotionally invested as you would be a year down the line. You were honest, and that is so hard. Most of us are in this canoe because someone wasn't honest. Bravo to your bravery, it's hard. You also know that you have the ability to disclose and be "rejected" and still live. It could be a lot worse. I want to get all girl power on you and say he isn't man enough to handle it, but that's unfair. Him not wanting to risk the herpes isn't a character flaw on him, it's just the deciding factor to why you two aren't compatible.

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BTW, this post came up this morning... and I have tons more links if you need more for inspiration :

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-disclosure

 

I made a joke that it would have been easier to tell him I was pregnant. Then I realized, no, it wouldn't. If he went from talking to me daily to nothing after this, then I could bet my ass that if I was pregnant he would be no where to be found. I already do the single mama thing and it's definitely harder than herpes.

 

Amen @Sparklepony ... pregnancy is also a Sexually Transmitted Condition ... and one with a MUCH bigger impact on your life

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